Tomorrow is a New Day

[hopefulinga]

Thank you, timbits. I have a picture of us, my favorite, on the dining room table. It is from early on in the relationship. I see how happy we were. I would like to feel that way again, but also don't want to fool myself. I also look at it and wonder what happen to those 2 people.

I took D out to dinner tonight and she picked the restaurant. I tried to enjoy it as much as I could. She sent her dad a text to call her and he said he would in a little bit when he was done with dinner. That was over an hour ago. The last time he went away and told her that, he never called her. Because of the fact that he is traveling without her and will not travel with us, she told me today that she does not want to go on any trips with me without her dad.

When H left this morning, I asked him to let me know that he made it ok. He said he would, but I am not going to hold my breath. He is so far into himself that he cannot see beyond his own face right now. I cannot imagine that the guys he is with haven't checked in at some point.

I am going to read tonight and try to enjoy the rest of my evening. I am trying not to think about him. I know it will get better each day, and then when he returns, I will have already gotten used to him not being around.

[hopefulinga]

Talked to H for about a minute. D ended up calling him, leaving a VM and he called back and she gave the phone to me after she talked to him. He sounded very upbeat and told me about the great band he heard at dinner and said they were headed back to the hotel. I asked him to call me if he had time tonight because I would like to hear about the ride, which is the truth. He sounded like the old, sharing H. Maybe this ride and time to himself will do us both some good. He's with a group of guys he doesn't know, save one, which is encouraging to me.

I'm going to have to contend with 3 dogs that won't sleep well tonight. And I've noticed bits of my blanket gone each morning. I guess I sleep so sound I don't even realize the darn dog is eatting the blanket! Just hope it doesn't plug her up.

[mamabird]

sometimes I do think he is trying to be such a jerk that I will pull the D trigger. I've thought that for quite a while. Because then he can be the ultimate victim. He tells everyone how horrible I am and then can say, can you believe how bad she is? Look at poor me. I am so wonderful and she left me. No one knows how bad he treats me. Everyone assumes he is wonderful to me and treats me like he treats other.

This sounds awfully familiar. At least our mutual friends know the sitch from my side. Before our bomb no one knew how badly my H treated me either. They were all shocked to hear it. He went on and on about all the wonderful things he did for me, but neglected to mention all the horrible things he said to me.

So frustrating, Inga. Stuck between b*tch and doormat. We're damned if we do, damned if we don't. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." We need to try to remember that, always. At the end of the day, you gotta work from a place of self respect, because if he does leave, at least you'll still have that.

[hopefulinga]

H did call and tell me about his ride. I did have to catch myself trying to interrupt to ask questions. He did not ask what we did, but I don't know that I can recall him doing that in quite a while, maybe since we lived in different states. I told him that I was glad that he was having such a great time. Am I mad that he has all the fun? Yes. But I am glad that he is getting some time to blow off some steam, which you can do when you are riding around.

I know he was tired and he had to go to the lobby to call me. He is with a guy that I know does nice things for his wife, like buy her a Mustang made in the year she was born (ok, he's also pretty well off). So, I am hoping some of that will rub off on him at some point! Except for the size of the gifts/nice gesutres.

I told him we would miss him at the dinner tomorrow, but that I knew that he needed some guy time. I feel very positive about the interaction tonight. I've been all over the place with my emotions today, so this is a nice end to the night.

[mamabird]

I'm such a dope. I keep calling you Inga and I just realized it stands for IN GA. DUHHHHH.

[mamabird]

Congrats on the good interaction though. Keep track of those!

[hopefulinga]

I had planned on not calling him until tonight but I had to call him about an issue with one of his customers that he emailed me about. He was very pleasant and told me how he wanted me to handle it, which I will do. I told him that I will not be able to do it until later because I have to check my computer at home for some emails. My hope is that we can keep up the positive interactions when he comes home.

I guess it would have been helpful if I put some caps in my user name, huh? I wasn't thinking all that clear when I signed up here.

[hopefulinga]

H just called me. He went to a bike shop and found one he wants to trade up to, which will require cash. I am happy that he called me and it is a good sign that he called me. I told him that I had no problem with him doing this (even though it makes me want to be sick cause I don't want to spend any more money), but I wanted to get better about his billing becuase it is killing us. He said ok.

I asked him to sleep on it and not to make any decisions today and he said he wouldn't.

[Breakdown]

Hi Hopeful. I just finished reading your threads and I'm going to apologize for the long post in advance, because I jotted down thoughts as I read thru.

First, what are you doing to work on you? At the beginning of your thread, you mentioned that you had some issues, and others became apparent as I read thru your sitch. Do these sound like they fit:
- jealous?
- critical?
- controlling?
- insecure?

Where do these come from? How are you addressing them?

I like that you read 5 LL and have started the codependence book, but are you really digging into your own issues? Do you even know what your H's LL is?

You seem to be focused so much on H. He's an @ss, he's rude, he's disrepectful, he doesn't listen, he is always gone, he doesn't appreciate you. You can't change any of that. What are you doing about the things you can change?

Some of the things you have an issue with seem trivial to me (no offense). The BBQ sauce thing? Really? The motorcycle seat? You wanted to be taken for a ride, but instead of simply saying something like "I'd love to go for a ride when you have time" you say some negative things to take out your frustration. That just pushes H away.

I know how this is, because I've done it a lot myself. Even recently I said something to W (jokingly, but there was some seriousness in it as well) about wearing sexy panties to work, but wearing crappy ones at home. It was a criticism, with a goal of control, and she knew it straight out and got irritated with me (rightfully so). What I should have said was "I'd really like it if you wore some sexy panties around the house sometimes....it turns me on." Again, this is silly stuff to argue about....say what you want direct.

There is an awful lot I'm confused about in your sitch, because the two of you seem to be living singles lives. You both are super busy with your own stuff, but don't really do anything together. Is this the way it's always been? Is this the way you want it?

I don't know about H, why he's always gone, or why he's always pissy, but it may be a coping mechanism. Frankly, I would stop worrying about him, and really focus on you being happy. And not just alone, when you are around him! I wouldn't pursue him, and I'd probably stop doing the dinner thing (you can cook it, but I'd stop waiting on him). Do what feels right to you, but stop looking for a reaction to it. If you are only making him dinner for a "thank you" then stop it. If you do it because it's not a big deal to throw in one more piece of chicken, then go ahead.

I struggled for a couple of years now with being taken for granted, being home all the time, doing the dinners, the kids activities, etc. W actually came out and told me not too long ago that she was trying to get me to leave (I guess I'm too dumb or too stubborn!). What Mach1 helped me with was to stop worrying about what W was doing and when, and just planning my own days. When I'm doing dinner, I say "W, I'm making dinner and it'll be ready at 7...be great if you could join us." When I'm not, I say "W, I have plans tonight, and won't be making dinner for kids." I don't get mad when she doesn't show up, and I don't worry about whether she's going to take care of kids when I'm gone (ok, I worry a little, but if they have to eat PBJ, that's on her).

I found it interesting that you said your H was insecure. I definitely didn't get that vibe from your threads. If anything, he sounds pretty grounded...you seem to be gone a lot and that would freak me out if it were me. It sounded to me like he likes to feel valued and appreciated. Maybe that's why he goes out of his way to help others?

I know you said you think there's a lot of similarity between your and LA's sitches, but with LA's, I think her H has abandonment issues, much like myself. With your case, I don't think it's your H that is more like me...

[hopefulinga]

Thanks for the long response, I will try to do my best to answer.

First, what are you doing to work on you? At the beginning of your thread, you mentioned that you had some issues, and others became apparent as I read thru your sitch. Do these sound like they fit:
- jealous?
- critical?
- controlling?
- insecure?
Where do these come from? How are you addressing them?

Yes, those fit. I do know why I some of them, and see IC to try to work through some of it. As for other things I am doing for me, I was exercising and going to some social events while D16 was with my mom. That has stopped some now that she is back. I teach as well. I sit on the board of some organizations that I feel strongly about.

I like that you read 5 LL and have started the codependence book, but are you really digging into your own issues? Do you even know what your H's LL is?

Not at this point. I've thought about sending him the link and asking him to tkae the assessment, but I've chickened out.
I think I am going to do it when he gets home.