Kimmerz - my xh still yanks on the chain occasionally, after nearly 7 years. Oddly enough nowadays he backs off if I act normal, if that makes sense. But that part took a long time.
For example I got birthday greetings this year, after none for several years, and my initial response was to ask him why he was doing this. All this produced was endless waffle about a shared past [which, he being a mean MLCer rapidly degenerated into it all being my problem]. So I let it lie, and then suggested a few months later that we meet up when we were both in the same city, and have a talk. That produced a panicky response and then a longgggg silence. They keep making sure we are still there, but the moment I say the equivalent of 'Still here, do you want to meet up' he heads for the hills. I also think the fact I can say that to him indicates that i have largely healed, and moved on - not saying they take this in at a conscious level but the way we respond to them conveys subtle messages that they no longer have the power over us, emotionally, that they had. And what is the point of 'punishing' someone who doesn't feel punished?
As for understanding them which is hard, I shifted the focus to understanding myself, and why I chose someone who had serious emotional issues [despite being a lovely husband for a very long time and a great father]. I found the book by Susan Andersen 'The Jounrey from Abandonment to Healing' one of the most helpful ones of all the many I read, partly because it had exercises to do, which worked, at least for me.
Bea, I appreciate your sharing about this with your XH.
That makes total sense, them still checking, or even probing to see if we're still there.
I've read that book you mentioned. It helped me understand what I was going through the first several months after bomb.
I've also learne how I had become so co dependent with XH and family. So glad I recognized what was going on with me.
XH annoys the hell out of me and I want it to stop. I know the best thing to do is just ignore it and not say a word.
But what I really want to say is " IT'S NO LONGER NECESSARY TO TEXT ME YOUR SCHEDULE EVERY WEEK UNLESS IT DOES CHANGE FROM XDAY TO XDAY"
But considering he loves to play games, I can see him slipping from that and NOT telling me when his schedule is different. Then there's a mix up of communication, the kids end up leaving for the night when I didn't expect it, and then there's more drama.
My schedule at work has changed 2 times in the last 2 months, and I didn't tell him. Unless it directly affects his time with the girls, its none of his business.
Im sorry to be so irritable, but damn! When you're done you're done! Act like it for Pete's sake!
Kimmerz, You asked if there is a book out there that discusses the apron string effect. As far as I know, there isn't one written about it. I learned about the apron string effect from other posters when I came here back in 2000.
As a wise elderly lady once told me, you will not get rid of someone going through a crisis, i.e., they hang on forever and a day. Why? They still have an emotional tie to you no matter what,i.e., they are children in adult bodies and have to grow up. Once they grow up, they have this need to still hang on to what they once had. Per this lady.
Generally, when a couple separates/divorces, they go their separate ways because of things that have happened in their marriage. Most "sSane" people do not keep poking at the lbs. They work to help sort out the finances, the assets, etc. Mlcers don't do this because they are emotionally immature and leave it all up to "mom and dad" to take care of it.
I agree w/Bea's posting. My xh still pops out of the woodwork every now and then. For example, he sent me an early birthday greeting in August. He's not done that in a very long time. The postcards from Oz are a way of putting their hand on the pulse to see if we are still there.
I know that his texts bug you, but all you have to do is say thank you and delete them. It's his way of staying in touch w/you. If you ignore his texts, he will become annoyed and angry and you do not want him to take it out on the girls or yourself.
I know you are done...but he's not...dig deeper for more patience and recognize that he's still a little boy fighting to be recognized and admired by his "mom". He's still out there exploring and like ET, phones home periodically. It will get better in time, but he's still got a ways to go before he settles down. His texts about his schedule aren't worth getting your blood pressure up over.
Try to enjoy your day.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
As for understanding them which is hard, I shifted the focus to understanding myself, and why I chose someone who had serious emotional issues [despite being a lovely husband for a very long time and a great father]. I found the book by Susan Andersen 'The Jounrey from Abandonment to Healing' one of the most helpful ones of all the many I read, partly because it had exercises to do, which worked, at least for me.
I am working through that book right now. I can tell it is helping me. I am able to be in the same room as him and not get all riled up. I just keep reminding myself to deal with myself, and to let others figure out their own lives by themselves. I am doing the exercses and now I knnow who to blame for the terrible things I do sometimes. (Outer Me... what a wild child!)
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Yes Wendy, maybe I should look at that book again and refresh some issues "little me" has. This probably has every thing to do with me getting so annoyed.
Snodderly, I've heard you mention more than once to posters the wisdom of the older woman that told you about someone in crisis. I've had a words of wisdom from the elderly that I work with daily. I have to say their simple, but spot on honesty just tickles me pink! Because it's so true.
And I do believe what this wise elderly lady said to you. It's all ringing true. Everything seems to be starting to be falling into place in re: MLCer, the affair down, actions, words, etc.
In my heart, my biggest wish, hope, and prayer is that what my XH has become really is an MLC, and that he WILL come out of this, but only for the BETTER. But I fear the Monster that seems to have taken over him is permanent.
I may be done, but I still pray for him. I've let go and given him to God.
When I say Im done, I say Im done with the mind games. The manipulation. The lies. The fighting. The cake eating, and the severe mood swings. Im done with the MLC behavior that XH has been swinging from vine to vine with for years now.
That may require for me to hardly ever speak to him again. It's even hard for me to see his shadow in his truck when he's in the driveway picking up the girls.
But Im not done caring about him as a human being.
Guess I just have to do that from afar.
Sometimes I feel like Im crazy to still pray for him.
But when it's all said and done, someone that does such things as an MLCer needs all the prayer they can get.
Kimmerz, All we can do is pray for them. We all have to learn to separate the behavior from the person, i.e., just like you would do w/a 2 yr old or a teenager. BTW, you are not crazy to pray for him. I believe we all pray for them and do care about them as people, unfortunately, that's about all we can do for them.
You xh will continue w/the "games" until he realizes that you are not reacting to them. In order to change the scenario, you have to be the one to do so, but do it in a manner in which he doesn't realize that the tables have been turned.
Mlcers want attention, whether it's good or bad, it doesn't matter just as long as they get it. The text messages about his schedule is one way to get your attention. Send a text that says thanks and let it go.
The elderly have seen and heard more than we think. Their wisdom is spot on in many instances and they certainly didn't have the technology or the information that we have today.
Always count to ten before responding to his texts. Sometimes it's better to respond later in the day so that you are not responding in a "knee jerk" way. Mlc is a crazy monster to understand and deal with because it's the exact opposite of what you think it should be. I had to learn to choose my battles in order to save my sanity.
On to another subject...how are the girls doing? I assume that they are now back in school and getting plenty of homework. What are you doing for yourself?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Snodderly, The girls started school yesterday. They still wanted to be on summer vacation, but they're doing well. D13 is happy with her classes and teachers, though her best friend has moved to the next town so she's kinda lonesome.
D9 is in a class w/out all her buddies and with a teacher that has a reputation that makes people nervous. She wasn't too thrilled about getting that teacher, but I told her she needed to give her a try. If she ends up having issues with her, then we can always switch her.
As for me, aside from working my tail end off with extra hours and overtime due to shortages at work, Im doing great! Aside from mental and physical exhaustion from work, Im in a very happy place now! I NEVER THOUGHT I'D GET HERE!
Im finally realizing I can create whatever life I want for myself and my girls and that it's actually possible. I've discovered I like camping...but not "roughing it". Im considering looking into getting one of those pop up tent trailers....because I can pull it with my van.
I've made close friendships with many people at work this last year. I have a new partner in my job that really makes life enjoyable and fun at the work place. I had forgotten how well I've always worked with men.
I really haven't jumped into some big swinging social circle. Im not bar hopping or trolling dating sites all the time. Honestly I do so much socializing at work, Im tired at the end of the day. But I probably could use more socializing with people my own age, so that's why I will be going to a BBq I was invited too next week.
All in all I am moving forward in the direction that I wanted to be. I just had to let my heart break and start mending at it's own pace. Gotta say that with the exception of odd schedule texts from XH, the fact that he's backed way off on the contact has helped me tremendously.
I still hurt a little bit at times. I still get sad. I still miss the good XH that I remember. I still get nauseaus if I think about OW and XH together sexually. BUT I CAN QUICKLY RE DIRECT MY THOUGHTS and find better things to do now.
Kimmerz, I'm sure the girls wanted to remain on summer vacation. Who wouldn't want to? LOL! I'm glad to read that they are doing well.
Your D13 will make new friends and she can still stay in touch w/her friend that moved. I'm sure they'll have a lot to discuss and can compare schools, etc., as the school year progresses.
Please keep an eye on D9 and if you see any changes in her personality, think about changing her to another classroom. The biggest hurdle w/schooling is if the children like their teacher. I hope things work out for her and the teacher has mellowed over the summer.
You are staying busy and I understand where you are coming from about socializing at work. I'm sure you are ready for a bit of peace and quiet when return home in the evenings...
As for the BBQ, go and have a wonderful time. Sometimes we need to have a little outing to help us stay grounded. It takes time for the heart to mend and for us to regain our self confidence, but when we do...look out!
I think it helps when we don't have any contact or very little contact w/the spouses. It allows us to breathe and find our footing once again. They don't realize that their contact opens the wound just a little bit and creates a pain that aches for days until the would starts to heal again. You are going to have stays when the hurt comes to the surface, feel the pain, allow the pain to wash over you and then release it.
I hope that you a nice weekend. Plan something special w/your girls, even if it is just a hike or purchasing a pizza or ice cream cone. The little things in life are what make life special.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I've noticed a little bit of the pain and surfaced again.
Truth be known, I just miss my friend in XH.
I just miss that part of him so much at times.
So Im a little sad about this the past few days.
Yes the no contact has been a blessing for me because that's exactly what happened with me! Everytime he contacted me, it just kept pulling that scab off that horrible wound.
And once the contact got to absolute minimum I felt I could breathe again. I felt like the fog had cleared and I could navigate my sails much better now.
I defend my peace and quiet no contact has given me....so hence I get bitchy when I get unecessary texts about schedules that never change. But I can settle into a comfort zone with that eventually.
I found Jim Conway's site online! Good sight and love all the answers to the questions he's posted.
Today my girls are in the parade....anuual big town festival we have.
I am so proud of them! I think we'll go out for dinner tonight and then enjoy the street vendors at the festival!
Does anyone agree that the basis of a solid relationship is a good frienship?
I've really been going down memory lane guys...
It's bad. Im kinda pissed about it. I worked on some healing excercises and was trying to visualize all the hurt and betrayal going away.
Well I think it worked, but now Im rolling in the good memories now.
I realized that I stuffed those down for a long long time in order to help me keep moving foward! I guess it served it's purpose for a while, but now I kinda feel like maybe I finally made it to the finish line.... or at least where I wanted to be!
Im here, but it's not like I imagined it. I imagined me being happy, and independent, and enjoying life again, but to NOT have so many memories of life with XH.
He's be a distant thought. Barely and exisitence. Just something I did once in my life.
But that is the farthest thing I think now. Does it become that way after you get involved with someone else? They become distanct memories, and you acknowledge their exisitence?
I guess it's ok for me to admit I miss him very much. But I miss the him that was happy, and not in MLC. For the longest time I was thinking that maybe he really was like this all along and that I just didn't see it. But no, I don't think so.
We really did have a great time together. The good memories were real.
So I guess I'll just cherish them for what they really were at the time.
