Thanks Coach! I wasn't sure if this was a time to comment on the R or not, per the standard DB rules.
Listen, I think that you state it ONE TIME so that she knows what your position is. No need to repeat it after that.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I haven't clicked send yet. I have stated this before. Would this be a repeat? Also, my birthday is this coming monday. Our 9 yr anniversary is next Thursday. Do you think any of that is effecting her thought process? I know you can't mind read her, nor can I, but just to add those little facts too.
Oh, one more thing, in regards to the wording of "open marriage," her stance is that we are separated, and "whatever happens happens."
Hey, Afa. You were so kind to write to me, so I thought I would read your thread. Wow. An IH separation must be so hard. I remember when my H said he was moving out and it took him 2 months to do so. Those were the worst 2 months of my life. I was being super nice and loving, and nothing worked to change his mind. Your upcoming bday (happy birthday) and the anniversary must be affecting her; maybe making her feel angry/guilty. It's a tough sitch. I would try to avoid her moving out bc once she's out, things will get worse, but at the same time, take care of yourself and practice the LRT. That's my 2 cents. Good luck.
I haven't clicked send yet. I have stated this before. Would this be a repeat? Also, my birthday is this coming monday. Our 9 yr anniversary is next Thursday. Do you think any of that is effecting her thought process? I know you can't mind read her, nor can I, but just to add those little facts too.
Oh, one more thing, in regards to the wording of "open marriage," her stance is that we are separated, and "whatever happens happens."
You're right, I can't mind read. So have no idea if it is affecting her thought process. Right now though, it really doesn't matter.
I think that you make that statement as an explanation as to why she shouldn't expect that things are just going to be hunky dory. You should make the statement and then follow through with what you have been doing.
"in regards to the wording of "open marriage," her stance is that we are separated, and "whatever happens happens.""
That is HER view of things. HER perspective. Are you okay with that? If NOT, all you are doing is making a declarative statement about your view of things. Your perspective. Stop letting her dictate to you how YOU should feel and how YOU should act.
That's what she is trying to do with her last statement to you. She is seeing that you are not just going along with her plan and she is wondering why. Next, my guess is that she will become angry because you aren't just going along with her plan.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Okay so here's a few things. I was busy at work and did not have time to type it the way I wanted. I came home, the W chatted me up for a few about some bad bacterial infection she has. Ouch. So anyways, logged onto FB and the photo of them popped up because evidently they have worked thru their "tiff" as they are making flirtatious type of comments about it. Gotta love that. So that small dose of anger, caused me to sit down and finish the email to her. I sent it. Signed it "lovingly, your husband". So when she returns from zumba I'm sure she'll have a chance to read it. So for all the supporters I have on here (and elsewhere) think good thoughts for me. I'll update you later.
I did the same thing, Afa. Doesn't work. I would try to show her this behavior is not tolerated or she'll continue doing it, and it'll become a habit. The FB thing is unacceptable. Communicate this. Again, my 2 cents, but it feels like the right thing to do. If she gets mad, okay. Don't react. You can't let her treat you like that.
Don't believe she's read my response yet. But here's something funny, she caught me talking trash to a workout dvd and proceeded to share she heard me singing last night, and ended with "Who's this guy?" in a very positive way. Glad she's at least noticing what she might be missing out on, a new and improved me.
So we sat down and began having the awful talk. Not the R talk, but the money / budgeting talk. We mutually stink at that. So anyways, we've sort of worked through some of that. If anyone has good resources, feel free to share. And so of course money talk did lead to some R talk, including the email. I remained detached. I even agreed with her that we were good friends, previously with benefits ;), and that one of those benefits was my unconditional love. I told her I had detached from our M problem. She at times got a little reset eyed, but said she wasn't going to back down from this choice. She did admit that she can see previous good times. She even spoke of using different "lenses". So in short, we talked, I followed her lead, we are still in the such, but at least she knows I'm not to going to take all of her stuff. I'm hopeful this will get her to re-evaluate us; and if not I'm going to continue to improve myself with or without her (something I stated to her). We'll see what tomorrow brings. Off to read a book. Good night fellow DBers.
Afa, it seems that you've been getting positive results from some of the things you are doing. I'm glad :-)
What I did that didn't work was signing "with all my love, your wife," and being extremely devoted and loving when he was pulling away from me and being unfaithful. I was also not asking about his whereabouts. I later found out he was with the OW, and he told me that my not asking "helped" him have the affair. I wish I had asked. I guess DB didn't work so well for me last year.
I think my behavior gave him the message that I would tolerate everything he did, and that he could walk all over me and I would still be there. I think that situation hasn't changed much. I'm GALing and not contacting him until he contacts me (it's been a very long five days) but he still thinks I'm just there, waiting for him to change his mind. Anyway, my point is, when someone is involved in an EA or PA, all you can do is better yourself so the other person realizes he's being foolish by leaving you. And wait. Lots of patience. It's tough. I hope I'm helping a bit. Good luck Afa.
