I have been praying for my family, and for a sign that they are doing ok. After 3 weeks without seeing my W and SS13, the Lord has blessed me with seeing them.
This Monday, I went to the house we were renting to clean the back yard because this coming Sunday I will return it to the landlord. I was on the back yard when a boy came in and said that someone was looking for me, and to my surprise it was my W. I said hi, and she asked me if I had picked up the dogs, I said yes. I smiled because twice before she had used the excuse to call me about her worrying about the dogs. She smiled too, and said "what an excuse, uh? She just said she was driving by to the store when she saw the truck, and stopped to see how I am doing, and before I said something she got all defensive. She was saying that she knew what I was going to say and that I could keep all comments to myself. All I said was that she did not have to worry about what I think of her, that she is a grown person and it was up to her to deal with her emotions. She calmed down and ask me for a hug, to which I denied. Her face and eyes were dim, there was no light in her, she seemed very distant from everything. I was struggling real hard inside, every single cell in my body wanted that hug. I asked her about my SS13, and for her to allow me to see him, she agreed on that moment, but she is very fickle and may not keep her word. We talked for a little while longer about simple stuff. It was getting dark and she said she was leaving to the store to return some pants, but instead of getting in her car she started walking to the my truck. She said, "Please, go with me, just this time", there, I lost everything I have worked so hard to detach. I got in the truck with her, she asked me why I have not rented an apartment, and the reason is because me and my partner might close our drafting company in the next month because of tax issues. She held my hand and said she was sorry, but that she knew what I am capable off to be ok. I asked her if she was not worried about OM finding out she was with me. She said she did not care and that she wanted peace for everything that is going on. We exchanged her pants and went to the truck, and when I was driving she kissed me on the cheek, close to my lips.
From there, is just histoy. After a few hours we went back to pick up her car. On the way back, she asked me to move together out of town. I said no, that I still love her but that my trust in her was gone. She told me she were she was working and that I could go see her there if I change my mind. I do not even know how to explain how I am feeling, I do not want her back in my life, but I do enjoy her presence. She was crying, and saying she was sorry things did not worked out for us. She was blaming me for our brake up, I remind her that she was the one being unfaithful, and that her decision of being with someone else and whatever guilt she was feeling was hers to deal with. She said she misses me and can not let go of me. She said she still considers me her husband, to which I said if she really believes that, why she did not do anything to restore our M, and why she still with OM. She just said I can end it whenever I want to. I said that is "fine".
I am gathering up again, but now I realize that my co-dependecy for her is still very strong, and that I have to work even harder to deal with it.
Enough of that, and to more pleasent things, I saw my SS13 yesterday!! It was a great moment, again I went to the house to do some more cleaning and he was there picking up some of his stuff. I walked in and he hugged me real thight. I said to him that I miss him and he says he misses me too. We talked about him going to school, and what he needs to do when he does not understands something. Just to let all of you know, SS13 has battled speech, attention and learning dissorders all of his life. I have been there with him all the way thru. When he was 8 he made the promise of not being a "special kid" anymore. It brings tears to my eyes, because he has kept his promise and 2 years ago he got out of the special education program. Last semester he got "student of the month" for the complete school.
I wish I could extend the hours longer, but he needed to go home to his grandma. I took him, put his bike and his stuff in the truck and drove him home. I gave him my phone number, and told him he needed to let his mom know that he saw me and that I give him the number.
It has been a great week, I got from the Lord what I have been asking for. The only bad thing is I did not want to resist the temptation of being with my W. I have gathered up my self pretty good, but it makes me think if there is something I am covering unconsciously to accept seeing my wife.
