Yes Chatter, a TON of things need to be done by her... I'll make the path home as smooth as possible, but I certainly won't be driving her down it... I'll make sure it's smooth, well lit, and has plenty of signs, but she needs to CHOOSE to follow the path without any pushing from me... Besides, if I have to push her down the path, I'll never be able to be confident that she wanted to go down it in the first place.
I love this Alkaline, so true. I often think that in order to heal the feelings from being the LBS, i will need my W to make a turn, entirely on her own, in my direction. thanks for the reminder.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I'm glad that football starts again tonight, as it'll definitely help get my mind off the sitch for at least a few hours a week... Although I closely associate football with W, as it used to be a hell of a great time and tradition for us to watch all the games together...
Today marks 6 days since W last reached out to me, which is the longest stretch we've gone without talking for over three months. I'm torn about this, as I know I need to be dark right now and let the new information (about her bringing OM on a family vacation evidently) sink in... but it still stings to not hear a peep from her in so long.
I'm planning on trying to find someone to watch the game with tonight... to get out of the house and be around people in a social setting. Starting my workout routine back in full force tomorrow, so that should boost my mood considerably as well.
So long story short, I miss W (as always) but I'm working on GAL and detaching... Working on paving the road back home, putting up the signs and lights and making sure I don't push her down the road myself... Some days, that's tougher than others.
Today marks 6 days since W last reached out to me, which is the longest stretch we've gone without talking for over three months. I'm torn about this, as I know I need to be dark right now and let the new information (about her bringing OM on a family vacation evidently) sink in... but it still stings to not hear a peep from her in so long.
It's okay AT. I believe that 90% of the progress that was made during my sitch occurred when my W and I were NOT having contact. I know that its hard. Oh how I know. Stick with it, and have faith that you are doing what you need to be doing right now.
Hang in there.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thanks Denver. I really need to hear those words of encouragement. Going a week now without hearing from W is so damn tough, especially knowing how apt she is to hold major grudges and strengthen her resolve the more slighted she feels by someone.
I'm supposed to see my IC tonight, but may have to put it off for financial reasons... I'm awfully curious as to what he'll say about the current situation, although I have a feeling he'll suggest that I reach out to her...
Went out to watch the first of the football games last night with a couple friends. While it was nice, W crossed my mind almost constantly, as this was the first game in over 3 years I watched without her by my side... Then I dreamt about her, woke to a painfully empty house again, and now need to get ready for work.
Today might be a little rough, but I'll work on gathering up my strength and PMA, try to look on the bright side, and try hard not to notice the hole that seems so visible this morning.
Okay, time for more journaling during my lunch break here...
I know I have to expect days like this, and I know that when they come, they're only temporary. I also know that putting these feelings down seem to help lift my mood in at least some way, so here we go.
I'm having a tough time getting the image of my W with her Ex-BF/Current OM and her family hanging out together last weekend out of my head, which pretty much s*cks. It's certainly dimming my hopes of a future R right now, which also s*cks pretty badly. Still, despite these thoughts and feelings, I'm not going to give up, give in, or stop fighting for myself and my R with W.
Looking back over the last weekend with friends and family, I know there were quite a few great times, but today I'm mostly focusing on the Not-so-great moments...
It was a recurring theme in my mind about how much I missed W almost the entire weekend. We spent countless hours hanging out with friends and family, each of which are married, many with kids, and seem to be doing quite well. We even went to a friend's housewarming party, which got the old "Thinking about W" ball rolling even faster.
I couldn't stop thinking about how badly I wanted to be on the other side of this... To be the one looking at houses with my W, especially now that my financial situation is improving. This was also around the time which we'd decided that we would start trying to have our first child... She didn't want to wait too long, as she feels she's getting up in age and had medical issues when she was younger which would make having a child very challenging... We decided to be married for a year and a half or so, to enjoy our first year and honeymoon before starting to try to have kids... I'm certainly glad we waited now, but I can't help but get melancholy about it some times, especially when I'm seeing so many friends and family having kids, buying houses, and moving in positive directions in their lives.
Some days, like today, it's hard to hold onto hope and keep the fear and doubt at bay. I'm sure its a combination of last weekend and the images that go along with it, the fact I haven't heard a peep from her in a week, and the fact that I've been slacking off WAY too much on my workout routine these last two weeks...
I know I can change one of those things immediately, as I hit the gym this morning and will be doing so tomorrow as well, so I can get back into the daily routine. And I'm pretty sure the other things will ebb and flow throughout my mind. I just need to make sure I don't get too high-with-the-highs and too low-with-the-lows... And you wonderful people help so much with that!
So haven't updated in a couple days, but there's not a huge amount going on.
Session with IC went very well. His thoughts and theories on the text exchange from last week were very interesting, as he confirmed they certainly showed she at least WAS still "involved" in our R (otherwise she wouldn't have shown such emotions), but she most likely was at a point that she needed to "other" me...
He also commented on how much I've grown over the last month or so, how the statements I'm making during IC are much more decisive, strong, and positive while still maintaining the caring person I am...
He and I spoke about when/if I needed to have "the conversation" and I'm pretty sure I'll sit on it for a little longer, but my tentative plans are to sit down with her in person when I go up to Central Florida for business in a few weeks... Obviously I'll keep the board updated!
So other than that, I have no plans for today, so I'll be cleaning the house, hitting the dog park... maybe catch a movie or something... Tomorrow is Football with my buddies, which will be great.
Still sad W hasn't tried to reach out in so long... I still miss her terribly. But I'm spending more time focusing on the good things IN ME, the things that anyone would like, the reasons I'm pretty kick a$$, and trying to focus more on those things than the fact that W isn't seeing them... because I can... and most other people can too...
Still sad W hasn't tried to reach out in so long...
Do you believe that you have not crossed her mind AT? If you do, I have some swamp land in FL that I'd like to sell you. It's close to your neck of the woods.
I think that she is testing you right now. She trying to remain in control by NOT contacting you. I'm mind reading a bit here, but this is what I have generally seen with other situations as well as my own.
Continue to wait. Be silent. The space is good. She no longer has you to go to for emotional support or to vent. Only OM. And THAT is good too. Push them closer and soon the luster will wear off of that R. That is what you want.
I would not reach out to her on this business trip if you do not hear from her first. The conversation does not actually have to take place at all. You are communicating to her right now... through actions. Eventually, IMO, she will call to check your temperature. And THEN you have that conversation.
I know it's hard. Hang in there.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
