Okay, time for more journaling during my lunch break here...

I know I have to expect days like this, and I know that when they come, they're only temporary. I also know that putting these feelings down seem to help lift my mood in at least some way, so here we go.

I'm having a tough time getting the image of my W with her Ex-BF/Current OM and her family hanging out together last weekend out of my head, which pretty much s*cks. It's certainly dimming my hopes of a future R right now, which also s*cks pretty badly. Still, despite these thoughts and feelings, I'm not going to give up, give in, or stop fighting for myself and my R with W.

Looking back over the last weekend with friends and family, I know there were quite a few great times, but today I'm mostly focusing on the Not-so-great moments...

It was a recurring theme in my mind about how much I missed W almost the entire weekend. We spent countless hours hanging out with friends and family, each of which are married, many with kids, and seem to be doing quite well. We even went to a friend's housewarming party, which got the old "Thinking about W" ball rolling even faster.

I couldn't stop thinking about how badly I wanted to be on the other side of this... To be the one looking at houses with my W, especially now that my financial situation is improving. This was also around the time which we'd decided that we would start trying to have our first child... She didn't want to wait too long, as she feels she's getting up in age and had medical issues when she was younger which would make having a child very challenging... We decided to be married for a year and a half or so, to enjoy our first year and honeymoon before starting to try to have kids... I'm certainly glad we waited now, but I can't help but get melancholy about it some times, especially when I'm seeing so many friends and family having kids, buying houses, and moving in positive directions in their lives.

Some days, like today, it's hard to hold onto hope and keep the fear and doubt at bay. I'm sure its a combination of last weekend and the images that go along with it, the fact I haven't heard a peep from her in a week, and the fact that I've been slacking off WAY too much on my workout routine these last two weeks...

I know I can change one of those things immediately, as I hit the gym this morning and will be doing so tomorrow as well, so I can get back into the daily routine. And I'm pretty sure the other things will ebb and flow throughout my mind. I just need to make sure I don't get too high-with-the-highs and too low-with-the-lows... And you wonderful people help so much with that!