Divorced #4

[labug]

Good advice, Carnac. But my rule is wait 48hrs, I can hold on to things, sometimes.

What was your motive for calling him? Really think about that because this is going to help you stop and think in the future.

You've also set up another expectation about him not having his GF around your son. How do you think that will work out and why do you think he should not have her around your S?

You do run on emotion as Carnac says (I did too). Emotions are feelings that pass, not every one is meant to be acted on. Learn to sit with your feelings and let them pass through you.

Is who you are now the vision of who you want to be?

[labug]

All of this above is at the core of making changes for you. It's difficult because you are rebuilding you and becoming a thinking, responding being, not a reacting being.

It takes time and effort.

It doesn't come easy.

That's why we keep saying take the focus off him and keep it on you.

[Mrs D]

Carnac - yes. I know I should have waited, but like you said, I am an emotional person and shot from the hip with that call. Ugh..... I hate this Carnac. I hate being this way. I hate that we all are going through this horrible thing that I did. Im just not in a good place today...

[Mrs D]

You've also set up another expectation about him not having his GF around your son. How do you think that will work out and why do you think he should not have her around your S?

Is who you are now the vision of who you want to be?

My son is having an awful time with this divorce. If he brought her around, how more messed up will he be? Shoot - he thinks now his Dad and his GF are going to get married not because of this.

No - this is not the person I want to be. I just am not strong right now. I dont know how to stop the emotions from getting the best of me. I was doing well Tuesday and yesterday - just to get slammed with this crap.

[labug]

And when GF is around S, which will most likely happen, there's another load of crap that will slam you.

Let it go, girl. You can't control him, so don't sit around thinking "if only he did (whatever), things would be OK" because they wouldn't. You were unhappy in your marriage before, and I would guess the reason for that was you were unhappy with yourself.

You have the opportunity to turn that around and become a happy person, a person with self-esteem and person who can truly love.

What are you doing to turn your life around?
Are you reading the detachment list?
Are you reading something uplifting everyday?
Are you doing a daily gratitude list?
Do you get exercise everyday?
Are you meditating?
Do you spend time just having silly fun with you S?

What are your goals?

[Mrs D]

Thanks Labug. You have actually cheered me some and I do appreciate it. I am a better person that what I am displaying right now. I dont like this person.

What am I doing to turn my life around?
Im in therapy to work through my issues that made me unhappy within my marriage. Learning new things weekly about myself. I am GALing with my son, and close friends. Ive removed those "friends" that were bad influences on me and my relationship with H when we were married. I dont place myself in bars, pubs, etc because I knew that person was out of control, and in the wrong. I go to Church. I know there is more that I can add to the list, but you do you want a long one?

Are you reading the detachment list?
Yes - I have it printed. I read that and the 37 steps daily.

Are you reading something uplifting everyday?
When I find time. I love reading, its just hard sometimes with my sons schedule, work, etc.

Are you doing a daily gratitude list?
No. What is it?

Do you get exercise everyday?
Depends on the day.

You are meditating?
Not as often as I should.

Do you spend time just having silly fun with S?
Yes, when I have him. He makes me smile.


What are my goals?
I feel like I should rewrite them. Mine were to work on being honest. To learn patience. To learn how to communicate. I think I need to start with smaller steps though?

[Mrs D]

I think I need to set bounderies...

[labug]

You don't need boundaries, you need duct tape!

I think your goals should start with the things from that list you are not doing consistently. BTW, gratitude list is easy-every day you write down 2, 3-whatever number you choose but keep it low-things you are grateful for that day. That's it. It gets your mind off the bad stuff and makes you realize how sometimes we allow ourselves to be caught up in the drama of woe is me.

Zig has a great goal-setting at the top of this page. Get involved. This is what focusing on yourself is, doing things for you and sometimes you have to push yourself.

[Mrs D]

Isnt that the truth Bug? Maybe I could use it on my fingers as well so none of those darned bad texts are sent either! I will rewrite my goals later on tonight. And thank you for pointing me to Zigs thread. I will definately check that out as well.

C's school has an open house and cookout tonight. I said something about it to X - wasnt sure if he knew or not. I did send him a text this morning to let him know the time since I wasnt sure last night when I told him about it. I have to be honest - I have no idea how to interact with him right now since things seemed to have changed between us to what I feel worse, since last week. I know I need to go in light, positive, happy - but right now I feel so guarded for some reason. I dont even know if he will be there for sure. Suggestions?

[Arsene]

Why should it matter whether or not he's there. You go and have a good time. You informed him? That's all you had to do (and just because it's at your son's school). Stop focusing on him and what he does. You are all over the place MrsD. One second you say yeah, yeah, yeah this is who I want to be and the next you start worrying/thinking/talking about X again. Focus on yourself. YOU (and your kid)should be the only thing on your mind right now.

Take care girl.