Can Turtles climb?

[zig]

what's the "something else" Brit's referring to?

me - slow on the uptake - as usual - can someone one spell it out


journaling -

i figured it would be a few days before mil called, but she called this evening - long conversation , with me ending up reassuring her that we would all be okay.

i think i'm only now beginning to comprehend how hurt and helpless she and fil feel s well as my mom

but interesting "tid bits" that i couldn't resist posting about - h went in advance to his grandmother - and told her that he was bringing a friend over. what seemed to be the most important thing for him to get across to grandma was that zig was really really okay with this - that she'd known about it for a while and was happy.

HUH?

needless to say, grandma was very confused and went to mil and asked is zig really okay? and mil of course told her that no way, after which grandma was hysterically crying!. but mil did say to me - zig - h really really seems to think that you are completely okay with this and the divorce. i don't know what you've been saying to him and how your conversations go, but that's what he seems to think.

I told her that i have always told him that i wish it wasn't this way but that i respected what he wanted. i also pointed out that maybe h needs to tell that to himself and others because he wants so much to believe it

i have been meaning to post the following for a couple of days but hadn't got around to it - but it did come up today - for a long time i have sensed very strongly (and mil and my mom both confirmed it now) that h seems to very much need my approval for everything that he is doing. (KD - any insight on this? it confuses me..)

my mom pointed it out to me when we were talking last weekend and then mil said it also today. she also said - it's so odd, but i keep seeing all these things that totally convince me he's not going through with this, but then i also see all this other stuff he's doing.

so i answered like KD - yes, i see that too, mil, but it's only info - nothing more nothing less.

i also said - you know, a few weeks ago i would have gotten crazy to hear that he told that to grandma and would have had the overpowering urge to call him up on it. but today -yes!! serene smile - just info. and Brit - i thought of what you told me - how would I be if I didn't have that info, and just decided to be that way

how odd that he needs his grandma to know that I am okay with this?

I did let mil know that i had given up_ it was a big step for me to admit it to her. that i hoped it would change, but that i had given up.

then she told me how sad she was- and it touched me and made me cry. there's an ashtray in their backyard that for the most part has only been used by me - it's this funky old silver ball that i found at a flea market years ago. she said she was cleaning up in the back yard around the pool and picked up the ashtray to empty it and then thought to herself- oh my gosh this is zig's ashtray and she'll never use it again - and burst out crying.

that's grieving - so mil is finally at that point. and since i've been there on a few rounds myself, i feel a lot of tenderness towards her.

i told her that i would surely use that ashtray here and there, but pointed out that i wouldn't be there when h was around. i think she was happy to see how i was letting go, for my sake.

i will admit it will be a bit hard to go over and sit at the same table with them after ow has sat there - they didn't stop by, they went over for dinner! i did ask how h had been during that visit and she said - very aloof. I just said - well ow must have been very nervous surely and h must have found it awfully difficult. i talked a bit about how it was really important for me to let go of all of this and not need it anymore. she said that fil and her were really struggling with it and were very uncomfortable - but don't forget - mil's dad was military and grandma is the ultimate gracious hostess no matter what, as is mil, so i'm sure they made her feel comfortable. which is what i would rather wish for her as another human being, no matter what.

so i'm here pretty much on the blanket (well, maybe my big toe is off ) - and frankly amazed at myself - there was enough info there to truly set me off, but i am so much more okay than ever before.

Brit - your words on focusing on myself rather than h - you hit me with that arrow at the perfect time - and i am so thrilled to have that mantra in my mind today - i was so ready for it, sweet girl.

as an ending note - s was on the speaker phone with h tonight. i had been mulling all day on how to handle the f'ing violin situation with h. three weeks ago, he had said he would go with s to the rental to pick it up, and i assumed he had, because it stays at school. well, luckily i asked s this morning and was a bit surprised that they hadn't - it had been talked about many many times. i decided to do something different (i've already in the last weeks started expecting h to pick up the slack, by just saying i won't do it, no explanation). this time i decided i wasn't even going to have an interaction with him - not worth the energy spent - so just called to s from the other room - is that dad on the phone? remind him about the violin.
so i hear s saying could you please get the violin before friday as i need it in class. and h's voice completely changed and got really uptight and he said yes

i just smiled quietly to myself - and now i have an insight as i write this. I wonder if people like my h purposefully don't do things they promise to do, just to get a rise out of the other person. because if they get that reaction, then they can keep clinging to that preconceived image they've built in their minds about the person.

i think about the double bind here - there was no way to have that conversation without h either accusing me or insisting that i got it wrong - both triggers for me. so i decided to just side-step. besides, why should s only look to me to get things done? he should look to h equally and feel comfortable asking him

oh and one more great thing - had to talk to s about a difficult issue tonight - and lo and behold - magic - i got it right and it didn't end in a disaster. how cool is that? and in fact - i got a bonus - even though it was upsetting to him, he felt calmed and reassured by me so much that at the end he was talking to me in a really loving voice. so new and different and wonderful.

so i have learned a few things along the way ;), in spite of all the pain

so worth it