Hey NG. Thanks for the mantra suggestions. I can always use those! Yeah, I'll be able to post, though one of my 180s is to not spend so much time in front of the computer...
DB coach always asks, "What will she SEE that's different?" Mentally, I have to add, "And what will she not see that's more of the same?"
Thanks, Zig, for the jelly bean trail out of my funk. I focused and got some work done this morning, then got my bike ride in (while getting my counting up to nine in Spanish). Those endorphins really are magical.
Some of the stuff on my list is about having the house all clean and neat. Some is about getting things lined up for the roof project. In both cases, I have fears about flunking P's (conscious or not) tests. I have to keep reminding myself that it all has to be good enough for me, that what matters is that I respect myself.
Thanks Zig, also, for the thoughts about the housemate. Since P left, I've spent a lot of time and energy sorting through it all. And there's still a long way to go.
It took me a long time and a lot of meditation to get to the point where I could have a reasonable conversation with him about a couple of my biggest complaints. I thought it wasn't fair of me to expect him to read my mind and it was rather immature of me to just be frustrated and angry. I started with some simple requests, first general, then more specific and blunt, restated over time as they didn't seem to have any effect despite his nodding or saying yes. We had a scheduled conversation a few weeks ago. I was truly touched by his sensitivity, responsiveness, and kind approach. And not one bit of change resulted.
Now if I were P or, say, Mother Theresa, perhaps I really wouldn't mind cleaning up after him. But I do. Now, I can see that this is a great opportunity to practice kindness, letting go of some things, stepping outside my comfort zone, and on and on. I'm willing to do that some, but likely not as much as would be required here. My approach to this is to practice all of the above, along with asking for what I want, and trying to discern and decide on my own reasonable limits.
I'm at the point where I can deal with most of the daily issues without getting homicidal, but it is exacerbated when I'm away for a week or (wow) a few months on a winter gig. It's really discouraging to get home from the week long trips and have to deal with a week's worth of disgust. Obviously much worse if it's a few months.
I've put a lot of time, effort, and money into fixing up my house so that I can sell it at some point in the near future. One lengthy project was redoing old pine floors in a large room. The second it was finished, housemate started wiggling cat toys on it, causing his cat to gouge it. Last winter, he moved heavy furniture around for a photo shoot and left multiple long gouges that I can't even fathom how to repair. That stuff just makes me sick. I worry about what he might do to my bathroom project. And I can't bring myself to do the desperately needed kitchen improvements because it's way too likely he'll ruin them.
P says I'm overreacting. If she's willing to do things twice, or throw money away, that's fine. But she's taken herself out of the picture. I'm not willing to do things twice and I can't afford to. There's a "same old" - me being pessimistic and P thinking everything will be fine. I supposed if I stated it differently it could be framed as me being prudent and financially responsible.
Just more thinking out loud. Welcoming feedback on what y'all are seeing.
