Tomorrow is a New Day

[hopefulinga]

No, will be gone for 6 weekends and partial weeks in a row. I would just like 1 day to myself to regain some sanity.

[hopefulinga]

I meant H will be gone. Not me. I'm at home.

[mamabird]

I feel for you. H wants you to pack for him, photo copy his crap and be nice about it and then won't compromise when you mention, hey buddy, you're going to be gone for 6 weekends in a row. Not good. I am sure you feel horribly unappreciated and powerless.

This is a tough one. You're trying to be nice, but the nicer you are, the more BS he comes up with. This is happening in my house too. Do you think he's trying to get YOU to pull the D trigger by being such a jerk that you can't stand it? It's also unfortunate that D16 has to be right in the middle of it.

People have been saying on my thread that I have to stand up for myself. I was totally an advocate of being nice but it's not working that well for me. If you do stand up for yourself and demand that he give up one weekend, he might call you a B and selfish and whatever else, but he's really not being fair and anyone would agree with that.

What do you think? I think you'll lose respect for yourself if you don't push back. Read my thread if you want some encouragement.

Yesterday I was totally at the breaking point too. Sometimes it just does not seem worth it.

[scaredsilly]

i think there's a difference in being nice and being so afraid of abandonment that you lose yourself trying to make them see how good you are.

you'll need to set boundaries and "expect" MUTUAL respect. you're not someone's doormat. it's ok to say, no, i'm sorry, i can't. you don't need to explain why and don't be pulled into explaining why. you just can't.

any relationship should be a two-way street. there should be a give and take to it, not just take, take, take and give, give, give. as long as you keep giving to a person who does not give in return, that person will have little respect for you and will, almost sadistically, keep taking. KWIM?

[hopefulinga]

I do KWIM, scaredsilly, and I've been trying to think of ways to set boundries without being a bitch about it, which is my normal mode of operation. I don't know if I am afraid of abandonment because I already feel abandoned. I want some of me back.

We lived together and thus it is hard to really say I can't. The only way that I can think of would be to disappear. We're at the point that when I do try to set boundries and say I need some me time, H's voice immediately gets loud and I have to hear about poor pitiful him, like I'm supposed to feel sorry for him and how dare I compare my situtaion to his.

He does not directly tell me what he is up to, he says what he is doing in front of other people so that I am thrown off guard and do not have time to really say no. And that's if he tells me at all. I've gotten the morning of, Oh by the way, I'm going to so and so with so and so, see you tomorrow.

You are correct about the give and take and the little respect. I am trying to find ways to make it a 2 way street, but am failing miserably. I welcome any ideas. I sometime wonder if it is too far gone.

And, LA, sometimes I do think he is trying to be such a jerk that I will pull the D trigger. I've thought that for quite a while. Because then he can be the ultimate victim. He tells everyone how horrible I am and then can say, can you believe how bad she is? Look at poor me. I am so wonderful and she left me. No one knows how bad he treats me. Everyone assumes he is wonderful to me and treats me like he treats other.

I am also dealing with a guy that is way overstepping the friends boundry and H has no back bone to push him off. The loser even buys the same shorts and shoes that H has. He is ALWAYS around at the airport, will not let me get a word in edgewise, knows when H is away and then is there when he gets back before D16 and I can even see him, competes with my cooking for H. And the list can go on. I've tried to discuss this with H and he tells me I'm jealous, blah blah, there is nothing wrong with it.

I also think some of this is hold over from the last marriage that I cannot do anyting about and may never go away.

I've read part of your thread and will go back today. I thought about having the maid conversation last night when he was again 30 minutes late for dinner after I knew he was out talking to his BFF at the airport. I felt like telling him to go have that guy cook for him, do his wash, etc.

After dinner, he told me that he wanted to go back to the airport and pack his motorcyle, which is where he keeps it. I looked at him and said, now? He thought about it for a minute and then said, well, I guess I can do it tomorrow and stayed home.

A couple of observations that make me know I am not crazy and there is something going on with him:

1. This am he asked me where I put the baggies. I assumed he meant the recycled grocery store bags, as he had a pair of shoes in his hand he wanted to pack. After I got that, he said, no the baggies with my clothes. Less than 12 hours before, he put the baggies on the table in the dinning room and actually rearranged them. I told him they were on the table where I put them.

2. I did some billing for him this am. I asked him about a work order that only had 1 of 2 pages. The page I didn't have showed the customer and the work. I asked him who the job was. He couldn't tell me and then told me it was already billed. Well, it wasn't. It was a job for 9 hours of labor.

3. I've asked him repeatedly about a job he did in June out of town and how much to bill. I asked him about it earlier this week and he said, didn't you already send a bill for $$? No, you never told me and I've asked repeatedly and I needed the work order.

Last night I did tell him that a client invited us to his farm and how nice it would be for all 3 of us to go and that he would get along great with the client. He told me that if I wanted to go, then to go. He had no desire to go to a farm. He then said, with all the driving I do, you should know that I don't want to drive around on the weekend. I just bit my tounge and let it go. So, 5 to 6 hour bike trip this weekend, and driving 3+ hours at the end of the month for BBQ competition and drove 3 hours 2 weeks ago for BBQ competition?

I am seriously considering not doing his wash while he is gone. I'm sure I will be accused of being cruel and whatever else he can come up with.

[scaredsilly]

First, why do you care how other people feel about you? If they think badly of you, then they don't KNOW you and don't matter.

I would tell him you will have dinner ready at a certain time and he can decide for himself if he wants to be there. A boundary is: I will make dinner. You are welcome to have some. I will not be responsible for waiting for you or keeping it ready for you without prior notice that you will be late or not coming.

Then, enjoy your dinner with your D.

Another boundary is: I have people I want to spend time with. I will help you with your laundry and billing but I will expect something in return. I, as well as you, need time for myself. You decide.

You can still be pleasant and cordial but you have to respect yourself before you can expect others to. Especially, someone who is acting so selfishly.

Just my opinion.

[hopefulinga]

Thank you, that is great advice. I know I go off the handle too easy, and those suggestions are wonderful and I can do them.

I honestly don't care what people think about me and you are right, those who know me know it is not true. I've had people tell me that H made me out to be horrible and once they got to know US better, they realized he was the problem.

I guess I've unknowingly set a boundary. This week, H has been late a few times. I've decided to go ahead and eat with D when it is ready. He is the one who said 730 was dinner time and now doesn't show. I will continue to eat when it is ready and leave the rest on the counter. I do feel there is some disrespect when he does not arrive at the time he designated for dinner.

I will work on the boundary of spending time with other people, or even exercising. That may be a harder nut to crack, but I have nothing to lose at this point.

I believe I still respect myself, but am beat down. And I'm sure H knows this and knows it is another way to control me. All the more reason to set the boundaries.

[scaredsilly]

And when he raises his voice to try to intimidate you and beat you down more, tell him you will not be spoken to that way and will walk away when it happens.

Then do it.

[hopefulinga]

That will probably be the hardest 180 for me - to walk away and not continue the fight. I will try.

Today is proving to be difficult and I am having a hard time focusing at work. I am emotionally drained. While I don't really miss H, and am looking forward to his being gone, I've thought a lot about the good times today and how much I miss them. How much we used to share together and laugh together. And how did we let this go so wrong.

I just bought our tickets for the dinner tomorrow and thought about how much fun H and I had the past 2 years. I'm sure I will have a good time tomorrow, but it won't be the same.

[timbits]

oh hopeful. i find that i tend to think about the good times and wonder what happened, too. mom was looking for a picture for my sister's wedding and found a bunch from the cruise we took in 2011 before h went "off". she said that we looked so happy and she knows we were really, genuinely happy and had a great time. i know she didn't mean to make me upset, but it bothered me for the entire day. what happened? what changed?

i'm waiting for the day when i can look back at the happy times without getting sad. i'm not quite there yet, but it is getting easier.

have fun at the dinner. and take care of yourself.