Tomorrow is a New Day

[hopefulinga]

I think he could be MLC as well, but my IC discouraged that and told me he is told old. Well, whatever, he's in some crisis.

Somedays its a catch 22. Being nice doesn't always work and neither does being evil. I read a little bit of DB tonight and will re-read DR when I get a chance.

I'm going to weigh the reunion tomorrow. And look at the finances. If I decided to go, I will send him an email, which he probably won't look at because he is "too busy".

He came home 30 minutes late to cold dinner. I turned on the pan after he tried to turn it up to high, which would have destroyed my new pans. I didn't look at him and didn't say a word while he eat, just continued to read my email. D16 and I were long done. He did tell me it was good and i said Good. I usually say thanks, I appreciate that but couldn't get it out.

I am now at the dining room table with my laptop and he is in the computer room with his computer and the dogs. I will probably go get ready for bed and entertain myself with my James Carville book that I got last week.

I will do my best to continue to try to ignore him tomorrow and see where this goes.

[mamabird]

Don't be nice or evil. Just be pleasantly neutral and go about your business. I know that's hard. I have a really tough time putting my game face on sometimes but it usually works. Gets them wondering what you've been up to.

Now that I am home, I may try to arrange some late night movies or drinks with girls just to get out and add a little mystery. I have to be careful though because my H does not trust me yet and I don't want him to think I'm cheating on him. I just want to let him know I'm GALing.

[hopefulinga]

I went about my business for the remainder of last night and this morning. Last night I read in bed until he came in. I laid down and left the overhead light on and he let out a big sigh when he had to turn it off.

This morning I had some bookkeeping to do. Before he left he asked me to generate some bills for him, which I did. It was a bill I had been nagging him to get done for months, so I was happy he was finally doing it. Neither one of us had an attitude in our tones of voice.

Before he left, he went to the door to say goodbye to D16 and then walked back over to where I was to say goodbye. I let all of yesterday go, which is somewhat of a 180, and went about my business with out being crappy to him or making smart remarks.

I spoke with a friend this morning about how frustrated I am with the inability to GAL and started to come up with solutions. She also gave me some advice on how to word things with H. From what I can tell, I've been asking his permission to do things that I wanted to do instead of telling him what I was going to do and asking if he was available to watch D16. Something for me to work on.

[mamabird]

Good. Baby steps.

[hopefulinga]

My Codependent No More came in today. I may put the DB book aside and see what this has to offer. And then see if I can merge the two. This book may help open my eyes to some more of the problems and help me to set some goals and 180s. I already see something in there about being the rescuer.

I also thought back to what my friend said about how I ask my husband for help and end up letting him control my actions or behaviors. I don't think I realized that before she said it. Maybe my take charge attitude on some things is a way that I make up for the fact that H pretty much controls what I do and when I do it by virture of his behavior and/or willingness to help around the house.

[hopefulinga]

Made it through the day with no calls to H. I sent him a text to let him know I had something ready for his signature (work related). I did call him when I left work to see if he was back in town before I headed to buy groceries for dinner. Hopefully he will be in a good mood. I know that he had a long day and had to travel.

I am going to again try to steer clear of him this evening. I do need to get some more of his billing out, which I will try to do tonight. If he doesn't want to work on it, then I will do it in the morning.

[hopefulinga]

I kept busy away from H last night. I did go into the same room with him for about 10 minutes or less right before we went to bed. He got off the internet and made some small talk with me.

This am he asked me to pack him for his trip this weekend. He used to like me to pack for him. At some point, something was not in the bag, he got mad and told me he would do it for himself. He wanted me to pack for him because the clothes are going into ziplock bags and apparently he thinks I do a good job.

He also asked me to photo copy his passport for him for next weekend so that they can file the flight plan. I did that as well, even though I know that he knows how to use the copier.

I am hoping that D16 won't be a pain while he is gone. Sometimes she is whinny and gives me a hard time.

[hopefulinga]

Planning an outing for next weekend while H is gone. Will possibly try to do something this Sunday as well, I just have to see how the weekend goes.

I saw something that D16 would like to do in October. I am planning on emailing the event to H to see if he would be interested in going. If he says no, that's fine. After riding a motorcycle on a 5 or 6 hour trip this weekend, any bs excuse I get about not riding in a car for 90 minutes to do something as a family will roll off. I don't care about him not doing anyting with me, but if you can ride for that long on 2 wheels, you can take your D 90 minutes to do something.

[hopefulinga]

I am again questioning whether or not this M is worth it.

I stopped by the airport so D16 could see her dad and get a soda. We made some small talk and then he says something about putting an alarm system in for a friend and then Wow, D16, I get to go for a motorcycle ride, FL and an airshow all in one month.

Yes, he's made plans for the only weekend he would be home this month. I told him that I was thinking about going to PA, and he said, well go then. I told him that I could not go if he was not around because I was not bringing D with me. I also said that I had asked him to check in with me or let me know when he made plans. He stumbled around that and then said it wasn't definite. I told him he would be gone for 6 weeks in a row and he didn't get it. He doesn't get that he's planned stuff for 6 weekends in a row.

I told him that I needed some down time and he said "So I do, big time." I understand how busy and stressed out he's been, but really, 6 weekends away? And he hangs out with his buds every evening from whenever he stops working until 7:30 at the earliest. Am I asking too much? He has no idea what it is like to do what I do everyday. The closest he came was when I was in DC. And I know that he went about his business and ignored D for most of the time I was gone.

I am really about to crack and I don't know how much longer I am going to be able to do a 180 on this one and not pop. I keep thinkning "Well Mr I want a D, how would this work if we were separated like you want? You certainly cannot think I would take D for 6 weekends straight when you want 50/50 custody."

I also feel like I am going to lose my mind. While I can get someone to stay with her for a little bit, I can't for days at a time. And spending $8-10/hr makes doing things not fun.

This is beyond a one way street. It is a freight train. I cannot tell if this is his way of pushing me out or basically doing an in-house D.

[scaredsilly]

am i understanding you correctly? you want to leave your daughter for 6 weeks straight and have your husband take care of her?