My Story WAW due to Gaming Addiction

[twisted9999]

Situation:
Wife told me she loves me but does not like the person I have become around 7 weeks ago. I am 30 years old and wife is 31. We have been married for 9 years on 8/8/2012, known her for around 11 years. We have 3 kids 6 year old daughter, 3 year old son, 1 year old daughter. I have a computer gaming addition that has caused the downfall of my marriage. Moved out 5 weeks ago and she filed for a Petition for Divorce on 8/3/2012. This is not the same thing as filing for divorce in the state of Louisiana and it last for 1 year. Once that year is up we can either extend it or she can file for divorce. At the beginning she was somewhat open to R if I were to show true change but I have kind of pushed her away and now she does not know if it is too late for R but she is still somewhat open to it. Will not go to marriage counseling till I fix myself and she also will not consider dating during the separation.
Prior Marriage Background:
Both wife and I had difficult childhoods. Her father was an alcoholic and was physically abusive to her mom. My parents were alcoholics that did not know how to parent a child so my early life was faced with a lot of loneliness. I also had a rather large settlement from my biological dads death that allowed me to go through college/high school without having to work AKA never got a chance to grow up. Both wife and I have Master degrees, hers in social work and mine in Business. We got engaged at the age of 20 and married at 21/22.
Marriage Background:
First year of marriage was rough. I was not ready to grow up and be married. Didn’t have a real job and would spend most of my time playing online video games when not at work or school. I had graduated in Accounting but had no desire to look for an accounting job. She on the other hand was supporting us with her job and we were blowing through the settlement to make ends meet. She kicked me out and said if I don’t find a job she would not let me back. I got off my butt and found a job and she let me back in after a few days. I had always played games but what I didn’t realize at the time was that I was developing an addition that would soon ruin my life. I quit playing games for a while maybe about 6 months or so but started playing them again. We had a first child after 3 years of marriage. I was so preoccupied with gaming that I would neglect both her and my daughter. The first year of life I had never fed her, rarely changed a diaper, would not stay up with her, and was sleeping in another room so that I would not “roll on top of her” but really I was in the computer room playing games. This went on for the next 3 years, I would start playing and wife would nag me till I would stop but it only last a few months then I was back to playing.
Wife’s mother had a stroke and husband left her. We took her in and she has been living with us for the last 6 years. This was a blessing and a curse. The blessing was she no daycare, cooked for us, help clean helped with the kids. The curse was she was there for my wife to go to when I was not being emotionally there for her which made me feel like I was not needed, her helping with the kids made it easier for me to not help with the kids, no privacy, and I became jealous of her relationship with my wife and would lash out at her. We had our second kid 3 years later. I help more with him. Fed, cleaned, played, etc but not the extent I should have. I would stay up with him because it made it easier for me to play games. I would stay up 5-6 nights a week till 2-3am in the morning and only get like 3 hours of sleep. Wife got sick of this and threatened to kick me out. But let me back in that same day. I stopped playing again but secretly played behind her back. Few months later I started playing again just not nearly as much. This was the story up until D day. I would stop then start. Getting my IPhone was the worst thing I could have done because I could easily play games no matter where I was at.
1 year ago she went to see a Decon at our church and she was ready to leave me. He convinced her to give it 6 months and if things didn’t change he would OK the divorce. I didn’t know this at the time and when they brought me in for counseling I was angry and hurt. I thought things were ok and that I didn’t have a problem. So I did not fully participate in the counseling and we only went to 1 session. 3 months later I started playing again and she told me that night “you make decisions in life and you will have to live with the consequence”. I ignored this and did it anyway only playing 2 nights a week. My wife stopped nagging me and I thought things were OK that I finally found a balance. Boy was I wrong.
Sex life to me was great 2-3 times a week. What I didn’t realize was she just did it so I would not argue with her. When she didn’t want to have sex I would guilt her into it or get pissed and she would sometimes give in. She would never initiate it and that bother me. Also the thing we used to do she stopped and it was more of let’s get this over with. God I was so blind and selfish.
My addition made me repress and I was very unsociable, would lash out at people, and was an all-around miserable person to be around. But we had our good times but it got to the point we were constantly fighting and she would feel like she was walking on eggshells around me until she just gave up. I was selfish and put my own needs before everyone else. I would hide the fact I spent money on games and lie to her about monthly subscriptions or the fact I was even playing them.
She held this in for so long it just all came out at once. She told me she was done being married to me that she cannot stand the sight of me that it made her angry. She had no emotion towards me and was like a different person. I cried, begged, pleaded, etc and she let me stay but that was only for 1 week before she just said I had to leave or she would. That we both needed time to cool off and figure out what we both wanted. I moved out and started researching gaming addictions and that was when I realized I had a problem because when I read the stories I saw me in every one of them.
Separation:
Have not played a game in 7 weeks and have absolutely no desire to. Been in addiction therapy for 5 weeks now and she has been a tremendous help. Move out of my parents into an apartment 3 weeks ago. Have been working on my relationship with my kids and they actually enjoy being around me now. I have done a complete 180 when it comes to being a father. My kids though are not taking it too well especially my oldest. Usually it’s a 10-20 min fight to get her out my car because she wants to stay with me.
I have taken this whole thing so hard. I am lonely, afraid, lost 20 pounds, have not slept longer than 4 hours a night in over 7 weeks. I have been screwing up left and right. I would have good days and think my wife is coming around then do something stupid like talk to her sick granny. She called the wife and told her to take me back I was a changed man and this infuriated her. Or last week I drove to the house and sat in the driveway because I could hear them playing in the play room (garage) and the mother in law saw me and they called the cops…yeah I am not proud of this but I was so low that all I wanted to do was hear her and the kids voices. She was scared but after talking to my therapist she understood why I did it and is not mad at me. I also had good moments. Like she invited me to breakfast with the kids 2 sat ago and we talked about the Hurricane and invited me to evacuate with her and get one hotel (followed by a change of heart and told me I was on my own she was evacuating with friends). I had a talk 2 days ago when I gave her the signed divorce papers. Some of the phrases she used were…I love you and I care a great deal about you, I don’t regret marrying you, I am no longer angry with you, you were not a horrible husband and we did have good times, I just said those things because I was angry, I am not doing this to hurt you and I don’t like to see you in pain. But she also said she does not love me romantically and does not think she ever could and that was not normal. I told her our situation is not normal but people fall in and out of love during the course of their marriage and that is normal part of marriage and not a reason for divorce. I also said that yeah we could find someone but the divorce rate for second marriage is 60% and third marriage is 75% so there is a good chance we drag our kids through this all over again.
She still has not said she wants a divorce but she took all pictures down except a few of us in the living room and our wedding picture on the wall by the front door. Does not wear her wedding ring and is making plan in the future without me. Says she hopes we can work things out but if not we are young and can find someone else and whatever happens she wants to be friends. Says if I show real change she may consider letting me back in but does not trust me and is holding onto a lot of pain.
You know what they say…you don’t know what you have until you lost it…well those words could not be any truer in my situation. I finally understand how she has been feeling and I am so angry at myself for being so blind and selfish. Hopefully she will give us another chance and realize that divorce is not the answer but as of right now I don’t have much hope for that.
My first telephone session with Laurie is this Saturday so wish me luck.