Divorced #4

[Breakdown]

So - here is my question, because I really AM confused. Am I supposed to NC or am I just supposed to detach? Im getting conflicting things to do in this sitch. Bond and KD think I should detach, do the little things sparingly. Everyone else thinks I should just NC. I just want to do the right thing.

How are they different in your mind?

Honestly, you can't go completely NC with kids regardless. But personally, I think you need to keep it to kids only for a while. I don't think you have the self control yet to "do the little things sparingly." Focus on you, stop worrying about what he is thinking, doing, etc.

[Carnac]

MrsD: You have to do what you think is best, everyone here is giving advice based on what they feel is the best, but in the end your the one thats going to have to live with the outcome. Personally, I think for YOU right now NC would be your best bet. Obviously NC doesn't mean you never have any contact....you have a child together so there is going to have to be some contact, but it means you don't initiate anything that isnt child related. If he wants to 'banter' with you about other things you might entertain a comment or two but keep it brief and cordial and leave the conversation first.

And by all means dont do anything that can 'hurt' your cause like sending nasty texts. Go with the 24 hour rule.....if something has to be responded to then do it immediately, i.e. anything related to your child, if it doesn't need immediate response then wait 24 hours to formulate a response, it will be a real challenge but he'll figure out rather quickly that your not immediately there for him anymore.

[labug]

Detaching is not a so much a physical thing (although that is sometimes a necessary part), it's an emotional detachment, allowing the other person to live their life as they choose, your emotions are not enmeshed with theirs, you don't try to influence or control them in any way, you respect their right to live their life.

I think I might have mentioned the livestrong list on detachment, print it out and read it everyday, that and a Melody Beattie daily meditation book got me through the oh, so difficult early days and I still use them for keeping my head straight.

[Mrs D]

OK - thanks guys. I am in NC - maybe I shouldnt have answered his call right away, but let it go to VM to see what it was he wanted? But I havent reached out to him since Monday. Day #2 then! I think I have to agree with both of you that I need to NC him unless its about C. He doesnt miss me. Im the one thats doing all the missing, right? I wish I would have listened to you all when I registered to be on the sight - Id have been a month into getting everything straight. And I dont expect that they will get straight anytime soon, but I do wish for a future again with him. Im not giving up on me. Im not giving up on us. Im just going to stand in the background and work on me while he does whatever hes doing.

I did have a thought today, and its just a thought - maybe hes alittle in MLC now.... Just bought himself a motorcycle, dating someone 8 years younger, bar hopping on weekends he doesnt have C. (he isnt a bar person), putting her in front of C. IDK - just a thought. And not that it matters, cause it doesnt. It was just a thought.

[Mrs D]

[quote=BreakdownHow are they different in your mind? [/quote]

NC - no contact about anything but our son.
Detaching - still contact, but not having emotions attached to it. And that is where Im having issues because I am still attaching and reading into things more than not. So I guess I answered my own question.

I need to NC for now, except when dealing with C. Thanks!

[Mrs D]

I decided to read alittle more on MLC this morning on my breaks, and it really hit me right in the middle of my forehead reading on the Avoidant Personality. Woah. I could have been looking in the mirror reading it. I just wish he could have held on alittle longer. No. It was the divorce and him walking away that made me realize what I had, and what I had done to our relationship. I wish I had taken the time then to learn what I do now.

[Arsene]

MrsD,

First of all you do both these things for yourself. You don't NC someone. You NC because you need time on your own to figure things out without interference from S. NC might also help you detach. Detaching is defensive. It protects you form being hurt by his actions or words or even your own thoughts. When you are detached, you don't really get affected by what he does or says, it just bounces off of you because you decide not to take sorrow from him. It's a conscious choice.

That's the way I see it, Hope this helps.

[Carnac]

MrsD: While I think its great to recognize what caused your problems b/c you don't want to repeat them, don't beat yourself up too much over it. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not guaranteed so lets make today the best we can.

I know that sounds like such an oversimplification of things, but its true....if we continue to live in the past then how can we expect our spouses, or ex-spouse in your case not to look back at the past as well. We've got to leave it behind because we're expecting them to leave it behind, otherwise what hope is there for ever reconciling?

[MrBond]

Which section did you find the avoidant personality info. Someone else was asking about that earlier, but I forgot where I read about it.

[Mrs D]

Which section did you find the avoidant personality info. Someone else was asking about that earlier, but I forgot where I read about it.

I didnt find it here - I was surfing the net then and thought I would share what I found. Can I direct to the link?