IH Separation-continuing to grow as we grow apart

[Arsene]

I see where you're coming from mate. In the end, only you knows what your sitch is like and what you can and can't do.

Just in the event that things go too far and you decide to drop the rope, you should have a plan "B". Do you have family/friends in the area who could take you and the kids in for a few months if things got out of control?

Are there things you cold sell right now which could help you get a place of your own for a few months? The thing is, no matter what happens you don't need to file for divorce right away. A separation would send the same message. That you are done. Again, I know it's not what you want now but in never hurts to plan ahead mate.

[breakdownbill]

Just in the event that things go too far and you decide to drop the rope, you should have a plan "B". Do you have family/friends in the area who could take you and the kids in for a few months if things got out of control?

There are a few places I could stay with family and friends, but nowhere with the space for my kids. Being separated from my kids is the biggy for me, plus lots of advice from on here helped convince me that leaving my home (because of the children being young) was a bad move.

If things don't work out that's a reality I'm going to have to deal with, not having the kids live with me. For everything that has happened, I can't say that she isn't a good mum and no court would not grant her custody if it was disputed.

If things did get out of control & it was to the detriment of my kids I would probably move in with my sister or a friend for a bit.

We can still do things together as a family & have fun & talk about the kids and what's going on in our day to day. If anything our communication has improved so much over the last 7 months.

That side of our family life is pretty much still intact & all our issues are largely a secret to most family and friends.

So yeah I sort of have a back up plan, financially I don't (yet)but I'm getting there.

Thanks for the advice

Bill

[MrBond]

So when you say that you and your W aren't together, does that mean she moved out? When you stopped ML with her did you tell her it was because of the OM? What did you actually tell her?

[breakdownbill]

So when you say that you and your W aren't together, does that mean she moved out? When you stopped ML with her did you tell her it was because of the OM? What did you actually tell her?

I'll try and clarify a few things, I know it's not a straight forward separation.

We are still living together with the kids & still sharing the same bed.

When we last had an R talk 2 months ago I told her that I wasn't prepared to be part of any love triangle or open M and that we can't begin to work on our M while she is still dancing with the OM.

There was no direct ultimatum, I just stated I wanted no part of that - so I took all physical contact off the table.

In many ways I suppose we are still together, as in living together and the kids not knowing what is going on. I guess it's a secretive in home separation.

That's the best way I can explain it.

It's had no impact in terms of her stopping dancing with him, but I'm not taking that as a reflection on me, I know I'm good in bed

Before you bash me if it was an ultimatum I accept it was a weak one, but it's something I've kept my word on.

In my eyes we aren't together as husband and wife, whilst there is a 3rd party involved. I've stayed true to my vows & not pursued anything with anyone else, because I know it's wrong & it would just complicate things even more - which I know I don't need right now.

My sitch is what it is & this is where I'm at, I fully understand and accept that you would deal with it differently and I appreciate your advice, I'm just doing what I can.

Bill

[MrBond]

"When we last had an R talk 2 months ago I told her that I wasn't prepared to be part of any love triangle or open M and that we can't begin to work on our M while she is still dancing with the OM."

And what did she say about that?

"There was no direct ultimatum, I just stated I wanted no part of that - so I took all physical contact off the table."

I can see she's broken up about that.

"I'm not taking that as a reflection on me, I know I'm good in bed laugh"

I think this is where you're getting misguided. Your W has an "emotional" investment with this man. It doesn't matter if you're a god in bed, if your W doesn't feel any passion towards you then there is no attraction. What have you done about that?

"Before you bash me if it was an ultimatum I accept it was a weak one, but it's something I've kept my word on."

And again, what you told her wasn't an ultimatum. You bluffed her with something that she really didn't care about in the first place, so she didn't feel like she lost anything.

How are your regular interactions together? Do you go out alone with her, have dinners, etc.?

[breakdownbill]

When we last had an R talk 2 months ago I told her that I wasn't prepared to be part of any love triangle or open M and that we can't begin to work on our M while she is still dancing with the OM.

And what did she say about that?

She said that she was sorry, understood, said it was too difficult for her to talk about & just went quiet.

Your W has an "emotional" investment with this man. It doesn't matter if you're a god in bed, if your W doesn't feel any passion towards you then there is no attraction. What have you done about that?

My W does obviously have this emotional investment with this OM and with 2 of her friends in the same class who she is very close to. I'm not trying to justify this, I'm just saying that this is another factor in her not wanting to quit the class and break contact with the OM. I don't know for sure what the situation is with them now, all's I know is that she won't stop dancing with him or stop going to that class.

How are your regular interactions together? Do you go out alone with her, have dinners, etc.?

All our interactions are when the kids are around - we don't do anything on our own together. I've said in the past that this needs to be initiated by my W, so I know that she genuinely wants to spend time alone with me and not just appeasing me. Even if it was just coffee, that would be a start, but for me it needs to come from her.

Like I keep saying, I know what I want to do, but I am not in a position to do it & I am just accepting the situation for what it is.

There is no point in me making an ultimatum that I cannot back up, right now I am keeping it together, observing what's going on, but focusing on what I can control in my life, my studies and my relationship with my children.

I can't change what has happened or what is happening right now with my W, but I can keep on my path and when I get there, yeah it might be too late to save our M, but right now it wouldn't matter what I said or did.

The only thing that MIGHT change this is if I filed or moved out, I'm not in a position to do either right now.

If you had any other suggestions on how I can enforce boundaries, I'd really like to hear them.

I appreciate that you are asking me the hard questions and I'm not taking them personal, I think your a good listener and you say it as you see it and I like that about you.

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Got my 2nd 5K of the week in today - plenty of time between now & the weekend to get a 7 mile run in.

I like doing 2 - 3 short runs & 1 long run (long for me), it's helping me a lot with my fitness, thanks for pushing me Chatterbug.

How are you getting on this week? How many runs & sessions in the pool have you squeezed in so far this week?

[MrBond]

"it was too difficult for her to talk about & just went quiet."

Then you should have asked her why.

You keep mentioning an "ultimatum". No one said you had to do that. Establishing a boundary is different.

"The only thing that MIGHT change this is if I filed or moved out, "

No. Those aren't the only options.

Obviously there's something still bugging her. What is it? Have you asked her what is it she wants?

[chatterbug]

Bill.

You are only in limbo when you have no future.

You made the choice to concentrate on schooling for 9 months and take care of the kids.

You weighted the options at that time and decided what you knew yourself what you were strong enough to handle.

Quiet on the homefront , stiff upper lip and work on your future.

I do not think that you can handle being away from your children , schooling and Divorce all at the same time.

Maybe in a few months but not now.

As long as you see a future with you moving forward you are not in limbo.

Being in limbo is waiting around for your wife to pick you again for awhile.

What your doing now is difficult and if it gets to a point where you cannot handle it. Then go full swing in plan D and help her leave the home.

But do not ruin your schooling over this.

Your future will be fine as a single dad or as a married man with a wife who know's what she did and how it hurt you and your children.

Anything in-between is a waste of time or as we call it. Limbo.

[chatterbug]

Mind you I would start the process so I know that I am ready. But I am a believer of parallel paths.