Now separated. Am I doing the right things? Pt 2

[roughenough]

I am not a chump. I try and be understanding however W will test me. I don’t think she’s trying to do it on purpose, maybe it’s just natural for her. I loaned her some money the other day and I doubt I will do that again. Sometimes she asks me to take time off work, I doubt I am going to be doing that on a regular basis. W calls me and wants me to discipline kids over the phone, sorry W, I will do it every now and then. I will discipline them when they are under MY watch but I won’t always be there for you. She gets frustrated and starts making demands. My W is selfish but I still love her. Yes, I need to take focus off W and turn it to me.

Just letting off some steam. I need to remember to be consistent. I also know Denver never bad mouthed his W. I don’t know if I am wrong for doing so, it’s me venting.

[Denver_2010]

Thanks Arsene and I also want to thank Denver. I appreciate your guidance with the “one liner” that I texted W. I told her, “no, I am not in a relationship right now”. I didn’t receive a response back from her but I don’t really care.

No problem Rough. I think that your response was better than the one that I suggested! It was a little more vague. Love it.

Here’s my game plan. From others perspectives, please let me know if I am on track. I am going to dress nice, smile, be friendly and focus on daughter. When there’s chit chat going on, I will give the impression things are ok on my end. I don’t want to send the message that, “things are great” at the same time I don’t want to send a message that “I am in the dumps”. I would appreciate opinions from any of you.

Actually, I absolutely think that you should act like everything is GREAT with you. That you are happy and living your life. There is NOTHING wrong with that. This situation is not YOUR fault. Your W has created it. So if anyone has the perception that you are moving forward and living your life, and they think that is wrong, they should look right at your W to blame. NOT you. And you shouldn't feel like you have to please any of these people.

That's my very strong opinion.

Denver

P.S. I read your next post too. I may not have ever stated anything negative about my W. And I can't even be completely sure of that without going back and looking at all of my threads. But I certainly had negative thoughts from time to time. My W was selfish as well during our S. It was frustrating. I too gave her more than I probably should have. I loaned her money, and went out of my way to do favors for her. The ONLY difference that I see Rough is that doing those things for my W was my 180. I was pretty selfish during our R/M and I was trying to show my W that I now recognize that and was capable of changing. I'm not sure that you are in that boat.

Bottom line is that you do what is best for you and your situation. You have to balance being a man that only a fool would leave with, well, not being a doormat. What you are doing, and what I did, may be a woman's version of "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"!

[Carnac]

What you are doing, and what I did, may be a woman's version of "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"!

LOL Isnt that why things are so tough? While MWD gives a great set of guidelines and a roadmap for us to follow, its far from a cookie cutter one size fits all do exactly this method.

Im in the same boat in that I have probably according to some done too much for my wife since we split, I haven't given money but she's not gonna ask for that. What I have done is been responsible for all of our son's practices, games, getting his equipment bought etc. But im with Denver on this on, its a real 180 for me b/c in our marriage I was more likely to tell her what he needed and have her get it. And I was also not very likely to try to leave work early to get him to practice, she was mostly responsible for getting him places on time and i'd make sure and pick him up and bring him home.

Rough you've gotta do what you think is best while following as best you can the outline we've been given.

[roughenough]

I picked up the kids tonight, W was a bit more smiles. I acted light and happy, she mirrored me. When we left she said “I love all of you”. Don’t know if she was talking to the kids or if she was including me in that comment. It caught me off guard so I didn’t respond. If she said it directly to me, I would say the same back but I didn’t want to chance it since there was a lot of ambiguity.

[roughenough]

Hi Paulie,
I feel for you buddy. It’s very evident that you have outstanding morals and love your W very much. You come across as a man that “just wants to live a simple life”. Get married, and stay married the rest of your life and not have to deal with all the “emotional and complicated” issues that come with the territory. I really commend you for your work ethic, buying a home, 4 cars, etc...To be honest, I failed at being the financial rock, and while it's very commendable and I am working on being financially secure, I also relize that's not always what it takes to meet W's needs.

Listen Paulie, Bond has helped me a lot. There’s multipule vets on this board, I have a lot of respect for them and I value there input very much. All of them have a little bit different styles. I highly recommend hearing Mrbond out, he seems well suited for your sitch.

Bond, I must say, I haven’t seen you write this much in quite a while, it’s not the usual one or two liners I am accustom to. BTW, new movie is coming out soon? Anyway Paulie, I wanted to drop by your thread and let you know I understand how difficult this is, take care and God bless.


_________________________________
Freshman class of 2012
Me(M):38
W:43
Together: 14 Married: 11
D: 4
S:8
W wanted separation 5/5/12
Stopped living together 5/5/12

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson

[roughenough]

Sh!t, wrong thread.

[Carnac]

rough: Glad you had a good night. Doesn't matter who she was saying it too if it put a little pep in your step thats a good thing and if she was saying it to you and you didnt respond well I don't think thats necessarily a bad thing either.

Im in a great place today and really am going to try to carry this with me all the way through the weekend. I've got alot of plans and really don't want to dwell on my sitch during a fun packed weekend that starts tomorrow morning with a charity golf outing. Keep working hard

[roughenough]

Thanks a lot Carnac- I noticed you added a passage on your signature. I will need to look it up. Great to hear ya got the right attitude going on. As I am sure you can agree, it’s a nonstop struggle to keep the PMI. One of my attributes is I’ve always had a fantastic attitude, always been a glass half full kinda person. All that somewhat went out the window after all this bs. I will be just fine though. I am glad you have a busy weekend, we all know that’s a good thing. Anything to help get our minds off our sitch!!!

Over the last couple months I haven’t been to good at GAL. Ya see, I haven’t been much of a party animal over the last 10 years or so. Some of my buddies are night owls and stay up till 2-3 am, I just can’t do that. Money has also been an issue so it's prohibited me from doing a lot of the funds things I would like to do. I am usually ready to hit the sack by 10:00 PM. At least I give the perception to W that I’ve GAL however I know I will always struggle with detaching.

Regarding daughter’s birthday, I am glad Denver gave me the advice to act happy. When people ask me how things are going, I will let them know things are going really well for me. I obviously don’t want to go “over the top” or it will be perceived as fake but at least I have a little better roadmap.

Kids came home from first day of school the other day. They were with W so I didn’t get to be there with them. Very odd because I’ve always enjoyed being with them and hearing about the first day of school, phone's just not the same. I also have a separate birthday present for daughter’s birthday tomorrow. They used to always be joint gifts from us, just so odd. I guess this is all the stuff that comes with the territory.

[Carnac]

Its actually the first lengthy verse my son ever had to learn and I helped him. I think he was about 4 or 5 at the time and he had an entire quarter to learn to recite it and each child that could do it by the end of the quarter got to go to a pizza party. He and I spent time every night working on it and since then it has meant alot to me. When this all started it really hit home with me and so its kind of become my mantra.

I agree with you about the kids. Its tough not getting to be there for everything because I always have. Luckily for me my son has been spending more and more time with me. I think he's only staye with her 4 days out of about the last 14 or so and he's with me now and I think staying til at least Saturday night, maybe longer. Its actualy worked in my favor I think for him to be with me more and more because she's seeing what its like to miss him and im pretty sure she doesn't like it.

I've made the point of having him call her each night but just like i found out rather quickly and you said...its just not the same. I dont know what the future holds but I know today's a good one. Hopefully for you as well.

[Arsene]

Have a good time at your D's party. Big kisses and hugs from all of us here I'm sure. I hope all goes well mate!!