Stronger

[mishka422]

The way I look at things, I'm the peacekeeper. I don't ruffle feathers, I just suck it up and act like an adult. It's not worth the fight usually. Don't get me wrong, if something happens that completely undermines my boundaries the it's ON! Otherwise, I vent here and let it go...eventually.

There is something you guys just hit on that I didn't notice though. You're right, when something happens I assume that I've blown everything apart by my reaction or my words. In my mind I see Gabe as having a box in his head where he stores all of my mistakes and he's filing them away. One day that box is going to be full (and every mistake I make I feel it's going to be the ONE) and that's when he'll say he's done and walk out again. Why don't I seem to have a box like that?

This made me think about a few other things as well.

Why is it that I constantly think about what I'm going to say or do and how he is going to react to it? If I feel it won't be positive, I say or do nothing. If I think it will be neutral or positive then I go ahead. I do this no matter how I truly feel about it. That's not honest. That is not me! I fly by the seat of my pants in all things but, then again, that has gotten me in trouble too. Yes, I'm overly critical of myself but I don't know anyone who isn't. It's just hard to be constantly worried that I'm going to say or do the wrong thing.

Does he ever worry about how what he says effects me? I would seriously doubt it. It's something I would like to ask him though. I don't understand this dynamic at all. Does he ever think of my feelings or my needs (other than the practical) at all? I just don't know.

Borrowed time. That's how I feel all of the time. It's exhausting.

Gineen, you said that you think he nearly blew it with me. He knows that's not possible. He's done the worst and I've taken him back with no consequences. I feel like I'm paying some kind of pennance for being less than in the past. No, he isn't imposing this, I'm doing it to myself. There just seems to be no way to stop myself from it. It goes back to my mess in my head, my lack of all sorts of things that I've been trying my best to break free of. It stinks.....big time.

Oh well....I really need to stop thinking about it. It makes me even crazier and I sit at my desk and cry. Not a good way to be in an open office with my co-workers staring at me!