Divorced #4

[suppo]

We didnt have much romance either. And we didnt really make time for ourselves. We lost "us" through having our kids, work... life.

Oh how familiar this sounds! Kids came along & that became the focus! No date nights, pretty much nothing without kids in tow the entire time.

[Mrs D]

Yes she is the GF. So. Am I supposed to stop wanting to make things right and not want to be with him because shes in the picture?

In all honesty Labug, if I were said GF and I thought there a chance a marriage and family could be saved? Darned right I would back out so they could try again. Especially if Id have been seeing him 7 weeks compared to 12 years.

But I also know he isnt in that place. Yet. And he might never be. But Ill still be doing what I need to do to make myself a better person. And yes. In hopes what once was my marriage could be saved.

[suppo]

I'm trying real hard not to be so hard on myself, but I think thats just me. I expect more out of myself.

I will check out the book as well. Thank for for the recommendation.

We are always harder on ourselves! Don't stress that! Our expectations of ourselves IMHO are sometimes out of reach & may need to come down a few notches!

[Mrs D]

Sup - its definitely something that needs to be added in our new improved relations in the future!

[Mrs D]

Yeah... another thing I need to work on. Shoot. Sounds like Im going through a whole remodel! Lol

[labug]

You will want what you want, and you can continue to hope that things turn around but have no expectation and pull back on the mindreading about things he does and says. I think your best bet is to back off and let him come to you, if and when he has a change of heart.

I would guess that he feels a lot of shame related to your extra-marital stuff, and every time he sees you, it's all stirred up again. Fade into the background except when you need to deal with things about your S. Be only your son's mother right now and give your H the chance to heal.

Yes, continue to work on yourself, become the better option, as I said before, he knows where to find you.

[Mrs D]

Happy Wednesday. This morning, storms are rolling through. I absolutely love thunder, lightening and the sound of the rain. It also brings back many memories of cuddling in bed with X, the ML that always happened. Something about ML and storms.. always seemed to be the best contact. I really miss that with him. Not only during storms, but all the time. I miss the intimacy shared after the fact... just laying there in his arms.

I wish the GF would show her true self soon. And I know that it doesn't mean he would head back to my arms, but maybe hie site wouldnt be so clouded as it is now.

Therapy day today!!! Thats about all the excitement I have at this time. I still feel as if Im in something. Not necessarily the funk, but its something. Sorrow? I just miss us I guess.

Happy Wednesday.

[Mrs D]

I wonder if the storms are a trigger for him as well.

[Arsene]

I also know the comment to him that I was going to laugh when they failed didnt make him happy either. I cant take it back. It was very unlike the person that I am. ALL of this is unlike me. I am not the jealous, insecure person that I am portraying right now. I never have been. So why now?

Never email/text/call out of anger or impulse. Always run important stuff through here before sending it. I think I remember you promising you'd wait 24 hours before doing anything (or 2 X 12 hours). Stick with this rule. Chance are after 24 hours, you'll be thinking clearly.

The conversation tonight seemed to me and please tell me if you think not, but when the conversation turned to more of him moving on, and such after the CS question - it seemed as if he got flustered maybe and turned the conversation to C. Like hes still feeling things out even after I sent the text last night? C was outside playing - he said hed call later. Still hasnt called. Doesnt mean anything I know. But maybe he is still thinking things through? Just words for thought ...

Here you go again MrsD. Let it be. Don't worry about him for now. You don't need to let him know you're not done. Just stick with your plan (NC) and let him stew for a bit. No one thing is going to make him reconsider and no one thing is going to push him away forever. Stop reading into everything he says and does. You are driving yourself crazy. Let it be, for now.

Ok.... Im lost. I want him to think Im done. Even though Im not?

Thanks MrsD. This is my second belly laugh today. You absolutely hav to start reading your own stuff. I'll show how confused and (sorry) clingy you seem to be. Relax. Just let it be.

Listen! don't beat yourself up over this. Just pick yourself up and carry on. But this time, plan what you are going to do. Go through DR and figure out what you've done and what worked. Give yourself a long timeline to work with (I think you need a timeline) and then stick with the plan, tweaking when needed but DO NOT pursue again. Let him come to you, all the way this time.

Cheers girl!

[Mrs D]

Arsene,
Its kinda surreal you wrote that I should never email/text/etc out of anger. I have to tell you, I wrote the text and gave my phone to my GF to read. I dont know if I really had any intentions of sending it - especially the part "going to laugh when they failed". Cause after she read it, I said I dont think Im sending that. She said - I already did. So. I took the fall for that one..

So - here is my question, because I really AM confused. Am I supposed to NC or am I just supposed to detach? Im getting conflicting things to do in this sitch. Bond and KD think I should detach, do the little things sparingly. Everyone else thinks I should just NC. I just want to do the right thing.