denver, do you think it was your request to D that woke your W up?
"You asking for D woke me up to what I was doing. I realize that OM was just an escape for me." My W's words to me, June 2012.
So the answer to your question, is yes.
However, I had spent 18 months consistently showing her my changes and that our M would be different than it was before she left.
Originally Posted By: needgrace
do you think that not helping her file ended up being something that helped you and her R?
thank you suppo and denver!
Had I gone along with her request in December 2010 to jointly file for D, we would now be D'd. I guess that I can't say for sure that we would not have reconciled anyway, but I don't think that the odds of it happening would have been as good... and they were already pretty damn low (I gave myself a 10% chance of saving things in January 2011).
Hope that helps.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Suppo: Im way behind but am gonna try to catch up some although my view is probably much the same as Denvers and I think he's given you great advice. To answer your question about the text...of course it was anger and lashing out, but it was also her wanting this done so that she doesn't have to feel badly about being with OM.
If this plays like most others do (at least mine did years ago when we went through our first seperation) then now you will get the pleasure of hearing how what she's doing isn't an affair because she is done with the marriage and you just can't get that through your head. That normally comes not long after the A is confirmed, especially if your already seperated when its discovered.
I guess the only difference Denver and I have is on the helping/not helping thing. Denver said he wouldnt help his wife but if she had filed he wouldnt have hindered her. (I think thats right, if not please correct me Denver) For me, I would personally drag my feet absolutely as long as I could b/c I personally feel if the D goes through its harder to reconcile. That is a completly personal opinion and im not even sure that im certain why i feel that way, but its how I feel. And im not sure where you live or what your state laws say.
I said a while back in my state there is no such thing as a no fault divorce so the filing spouse must state the grounds....now if the grounds are adultery or abuse thats one thing, but my wife can't file on either of those grounds, so then it comes to 'irreconcilable differences', or the newer version of that 'general indignities' and again this is only in my home state, but im told by more than one lawyer friend that its almost impossible to "prove" those grounds in court. So then it becomes a matter of having to be seperated for 18 months before the divorce will be granted. Again thats only one state and its only if I choose to fight the grounds, but there may be a similar way in your state to drag it out if thats your choice.
It may not be what I should do, and certainly there are some things that might change my mind when and if the time comes and my wife files, but at least for now i'd drag it out as long as possible b/c I think its possible that alot of whats going on right now could be hormonal problems or depression and I really believe that if she has to wait longer to get it done she'll see things differently, and if not then I really don't feel as though i've lost anything holding on that long because its not like im interested in dating or anything like that right now anyway....heck for that matter it would keep me from jumping into another relationship while the time ticked away and I had time to come to know and work on me more.
Might not be what you want to do, but if you wanna drag it out im betting there's a way in most states.
Great advice all around. Carnac, that's the way I see it as well. We need to give them time whether they want it or not at this point. if in a few years they still feel the same, at least we will be in a different place emotionally and we'll be better able to cope with it. In the end, they can always divorce later. Getting back together after a divorce might be a bit more difficult.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Unless you have been served a legal document with a do this or suffer this... signed JUDGE
Has not been legal or signed by Judge...Just draft by her attorney for review & revision. This was told to me by Divorce Court Clerk & L that I consulted with.
You can take your time. You do not have to follow her timeline. It is your divorce that you are working on. So get the t's crossed and the i's dotted by someone who knows the in's and out's of your states divorce laws.
Not 100% on divorce laws & am very intelligent to things...But as example Sister lives in same state & has been going through paperwork changes with H for 19 months now.
If that takes an extra month to get the funds to go over it so be it.
Tell her they are being reviewed. And you will get back to her when it is done.
Short & sweet & to the point! She hasn't pushed me on them until last night after lashing episode to me and kids at house...Then text about 5 minutes after she left stating: "You NEED to give me a response/changes if any to the papers"
If she presses, state that yes you are seeking legal council to make sure that you both are getting as fair a shake as possible as there are 4 of you that are affected by this piece of paper.
Agree, I just know that attitudes & moods can change on a dime! And after her being confronted with Om & in front of me and kids, emotions have taken turn for worse presently...But we all know these things are volatile & change sometimes hourly
Suppo: Im way behind but am gonna try to catch up some although my view is probably much the same as Denvers and I think he's given you great advice. To answer your question about the text...of course it was anger and lashing out, but it was also her wanting this done so that she doesn't have to feel badly about being with OM.
If this plays like most others do (at least mine did years ago when we went through our first seperation) then now you will get the pleasure of hearing how what she's doing isn't an affair because she is done with the marriage and you just can't get that through your head. That normally comes not long after the A is confirmed, especially if your already seperated when its discovered.
I am sure you are right & this is justification for the A
For me, I would personally drag my feet absolutely as long as I could b/c I personally feel if the D goes through its harder to reconcile. That is a completly personal opinion and im not even sure that im certain why i feel that way, but its how I feel. And im not sure where you live or what your state laws say.
I kind of feel this way as well about dragging feet, it shows I am still fighting...But then the catch-22 of it might show you are being selfish & un-cooperative!
so then it comes to 'irreconcilable differences', or the newer version of that 'general indignities' and again this is only in my home state, but im told by more than one lawyer friend that its almost impossible to "prove" those grounds in court. So then it becomes a matter of having to be seperated for 18 months before the divorce will be granted. Again thats only one state and its only if I choose to fight the grounds, but there may be a similar way in your state to drag it out if thats your choice.
I definitely would like to drag it out, as (maybe I am dreaming), but I truly don't believe her when she stated to kids and I that the almost 16 year M has been all un-happines & a sham, and the only good thing that came out of it was the children. But what do I truly know. Tough decisions at any right and I really want & think this can work out with more time for healing etc.
Might not be what you want to do, but if you wanna drag it out im betting there's a way in most states.
I definitely want to drag it out as I stated above, I feel that no matter how much venom she spits right now, she really doesn't know what she wants at the moment. But what the heck do I know & this would be mind-reading at its best!
Great advice all around. Carnac, that's the way I see it as well. We need to give them time whether they want it or not at this point. if in a few years they still feel the same, at least we will be in a different place emotionally and we'll be better able to cope with it. In the end, they can always divorce later. Getting back together after a divorce might be a bit more difficult.
Suppo: I guess the only difference Denver and I have is on the helping/not helping thing. Denver said he wouldnt help his wife but if she had filed he wouldnt have hindered her. (I think thats right, if not please correct me Denver) For me, I would personally drag my feet absolutely as long as I could b/c I personally feel if the D goes through its harder to reconcile. That is a completly personal opinion and im not even sure that im certain why i feel that way,
I agree with you. And yes, that is what I am saying. I wouldn't have hindered her simply bc I did not want to actually be blatantly using it as a tool to drag things out. If she was going to go as far as to actually file and have me served, well, so be it. But I was not going to help her by filing jointly, paying the filing fee, walking it to the courthouse, etc.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Suppo: She's rewriting history....every walk away spouse does. And honestly because of the lens she's looking through right now she probably actually can't remember any of the good times in the entire marriage.
I'll share a brief story that happened a couple of weeks before we seperated....obviously I know now that by that point she had already mentally checked out but I didnt know it then. My S11 and I went to play golf and my wife rode along...we played 9 holes and he and I had a great time, but at some point on about the 3rd hole he kept getting 'too' upset about hitting bad shots and I told him not to be so hard on himself b/c he hasn't been playing that long.
Well after that he went completely the other way and wasn't even really trying to hit the ball correctly and when it went sideways he would just say 'oh well I haven't been playing that long so i'll get better' or something to that effect...that went on for about 2 holes and I told him very calmly that while he had too high expectations in the beginning, he couldnt let go of expectations completely b/c then he would never improve, he needed to find some balance.
So we finish 9 holes and end up on the range hitting some balls and my wife decides she would like to hit some so she grabs one of my clubs and is hitting them well and im being complimentary b/c i've always wanted her to play. Its starting to get dark and a good friend of mine shows up with his wife and kids.....he was there to check the tournament board b/c we were having a member guest that weekend....anyway this guy played in college and is still a 0 handicap so he starts helping both my wife and my son with their stance and swing and im just enjoying watching them hit. She's smiling....my sons having a blast.....so it gets almost dark and we've quit hitting balls and are simply all standing around talking when the superintendent comes by and says we may wanna move off of the range b/c he's about to turn the sprinklers on.
Well when the sprinklers come on my friends daughters all want to play in them, they're like 11, 10 and 8 so he said go ahead....well now my son takes off his socks and shoes and starts running in them as well and sliding on the ground....eventually I go out there with the kids and we run through the sprinklers for about 1/2 an hour laughing and having an incredible time....my son still talks about it.
Whew im finally to the point of the story. A month later my wife was talking about us never having fun and I say well what about at the golf course.......all she can remember from that day is that i told my son not to be so hard on himself and then when he quit being hard on himself i got on him again and said you can't just not care. And she said she couldnt wait for the 9 holes to be over b/c she could see he was hurting. She actually didnt remember anything about the range or the sprinklers or any of that, it was a rewrite of history through some incredibly gray filter she has.
My son remembers nothing about the golf part and everything about the sprinkler part....and obviously it wasn't bad for him b/c we played golf just last week and he's always wanting to go.
I know thats a long example, but it seemed to exemplify to me how they filter things when they get in that state of mind so of course she says there's never been anything good in 16 years....he!! she might not really remember anything good right now....its why we have to stay the course.
I think what Arsene said captured alot of why I would drag my feet....it will give me the time needed to heal and at the same time it will force her to wait a bit and see if her mind changes....if she does, then great. If she doesn't, then what has been lost by waiting another 15 months to divorce? In my mind nothing is lost in that time b/c ill be doing exactly what I would hope to be doing if we were actually divorced....being a great dad, improving me and helping others.
