Dealing with Anger

[Arsene]

Here the re-post of my questions. Thanks for your thoughts.

Ok, so here are a few questions I've been pondering on over the last two days. The way I see it now, I have to live a good life and make the best of every contact I have with my wife without being walked all over (avoid cake eating).

1. Where is the line between being kind, pleasant, funny, fun to be around and pursuing? How can I be loving and not be seen as pursuing?

2. Because my wife lives in a boarding house, a lot of her time with D8 will be in our home. If I can manage the dynamics of this (not get dragged into arguments or be detached enough not to be hurt), is this a good idea or should I consider other options? (none comes to mind right now)

3. I never initiate contact unless it is important and re: logistics/D8, however, I have in the past offered subtle invitations to join D8 and I in our activities, which wife has readily accepted. Is this not a form of pursuing? I have to admit that as much as I do it for D8, a part of me also hopes to rekindle in W the family spirit which we had in the past. I must add that I never have any expectations when I invite her.

4. OM is not on my mind at all. I have been able to totally forget about him (or at least chase any thought of him that comes to mind). As I am starting to find my way through the music scene in this city, it seems very likely I would bump into him, either with or without W (as just happened with Suppo). How should I behave when/if I do? Does this change if he's with W? Does this change if I'm with D8?

5. On the same issue, I am also bound to bump into many of her friends (musicians and singers) and not knowing what W may have told them about our sitch and about me, how should I behave if/when this happens? It's to be noted that people in this country have a different sense of "small talk" and that they are very forthcoming with personal questions.

6. I find it difficult to assert myself on certain things such as what I have done over the last few days i.e.: Ask her to leave so I can go to sleep, Ask her to take her stuff with her so she won't wake me up when she comes to fetch it, ask her not to expose D8 to OM, etc... I find that I'm often graver/sterner than I want to be when I ask her to do things which "go against what I would really like" or which "ask her to do something which I think she would dislike". Is this bad? How can I change this?

7. "I love my W without conditions... so accept what she does, feels and thinks with the knowledge that she is on her own journey." I do not accept everything she does (OM). I accept that there is nothing I can do about it. Is this the same thing?

8. As my W seems to be a bit erratic in her behaviour (to say the least), it's difficult for me to gauge what is working and what isn't. Furthermore, if we are really doing this for ourselves, why should it matter whether it is affecting our S? I truly believe that the changes I am making are making me a better man. Nonetheless, I do want my W to reconsider her decision so how can I see if it's working considering her erratic behaviour?

9. I know many vets have different idea of what constitutes "cake eating". Denver's definition of "doormat" as posted in his plan of action, says:

I am a doormat IF ... I do something that I do not want to do bc I believe W expects it or will be upset with me about if I don't do it. I am NOT a doormat if I CHOOSE to do or not do something bc it is what I WANT to do.

Is "cake eating" the same? I allow her to "cake eat" if "I do something that I do not want to do bc I believe W expects it or will be upset with me about if I don't do it" or if I expect her to do something or act differently in return?
If not, what is "cake eating"? is it simply W coming to me to try to fulfill (or get) something that she can't get out of OM? Is it W taking advantage of me still being in love with her? If I only do what I choose to do, in a loving way, am I not still allowing "cake eating"?