Dealing with Anger

[25yearsmlc]

Arsene,

I think you can just re post the question b/c it's just easier to ask it again rather than have to hunt for it. (Maybe it's the time zone change, ?, but I don't see ANY post of yours with 9:01 as the time marked)


14. IF NEEDED - CLOSE THE GATES nicely and lovingly, and without being a martyr. I must continue being patient and giving this time. And I must take advantage of this time to show my W more of the new me... she has seen if for 3+ months.


I'm sorry Arsene, but imo, you have NOT been at this for 3 months.

You've been troubled, and trying to change some traits, yes. But you have NOT been DBing for even one month, imo. NO offense intended. Heck, you only got the book a week or so ago, right?

If I were you, I'd avoid any monitoring for results soon. It's just way too soon. Your wife has noticed some behavioral changes, and she even said so. That's great!

But by your description, the changes you are taking on, are deep and profound. They affect the way you view your whole world, how you see others, how you are with them, and not just how you treat your w. It's a many layered process.

It'll take time to truly discover those new ways, to implement them, to stay consistent with them, and or for them to show, and a lot more time before they are manifestly true and lasting enough for her to trust them.


She needs to see more of it. BUT, the time may come when I need to take the new me away from her. When she must be forced to see what her life will be like without the NEW me... This conversation must be done nicely and with love.

Merely that her indecision has gotten to the point that it is not fair to me, OM, or to SS. That I will now be taking myself out of the equation. That I will still be here if and when she decides that she wants to commit to me and M, but that I don't know for how long.

While I get this^^^contingency, in theory, the fact you are already planning it on "Day 5" of a 730 day plan, reminds me of what I said earlier about expectations/hopes/frustrations = anger = backsliding...

and when the word "but" is inserted after a clause or sentence, it tends to negate the sentence before it. Your wife needs to see

Don't watch the clock/calendar so much. Learn about YOU and your d, and GAL for real. (Requires, imo, meeting at least some new people).

GAL makes the changes you want, come faster. GAL makes the time pass more quickly and GAL makes life a lot better, right now.

Small consistent changes + Sufficient time = change she can believe in.

Day 5 of the new plan of action - Update

No contact with W today other than her texting me to ask what my schedule was ---see how we can manage our schedules.
--Again very polite and closing by telling me to take care and have a nice day.

I texted again saying that the sooner we can find a live-in maid, the sooner D8 and I can move in the house and that would take care of these problems. I asked if we could try to arrange moving day for this Friday.
She didn't reply.

I have been feeling a bit down as well and meditation didn't help today. I guess I'm wondering if it is possible that my belief in her is misguided. I know that there is nothing else for me to do but to follow this plan of action but I wonder if she will ever reconsider. What if she feels like she has done too much harm, or has gone too far to come back.

Arsene, I'm gently reaching thru this computer line and

smacking you upside the head!!!....GEEZUS It's been 5 DAYS and you are not 1% of the way into your "Plan" and already the second guessing??

Okay give up...fine. See how much better you feel?? Oh, what's that? You don't feel better giving up?

Then buckle up and buckle in for a ride that lasts more than 3 minutes, and carry on my friend.

It's not even day 7.3...(which would be 1%)

How about inserting into "The Plan" a part that says

"REFUSE TO SECOND GUESS 'PLAN', BEFORE 3 MONTHS"...and then reassess and reassert that, every 90 days?

Right now, it feels like we are friends (not best friends, just friends) and I wonder if this is good for us. I know that both Denver and Jack3B have told me that before reconnecting emotionally, friendship was necessary but I also know that many have said that friendship is a dead end street that will keep you just there, in the street.

Well then,

maybe you can give NO behavioral changes a real chance or sufficient time, and flip flop every week, and see how THAT path works...



I keep telling myself that the life she is choosing to live now is nothing like what we had. She had security, comfort, love, regular holidays, freedom to work when she wanted, time to work on her music, time to spend with her D8. I wonder how she can measure what she had with what she has now. What if I'm wrong? I don't think I was ever as bad as she portrayed me but, to her, maybe I was. Maybe this life she has now is way better than what she had with me, in her mind.


To an extent she must think you are wrong or she'd have come home.

But the NEW YOU is not the old you, so the new marriage would be better and different.

So this re-hash of the past and looking backwards, is counter productive b/c you cannot change the past - you can only learn from it.

(Or revise it in your mind, or wallow in self pity, or shame and self loathing, none of which I recommend)

so focus on creating a better today & tomorrow.

My one other suggestion atm, is for you to work on being in the present.

You spend a lot of energy and time, NOT being in the now.

It's not helping your cause, or your d, or your happiness.



And what am I gonna do about this? Stick to the plan!!! It's the only thing to do.

I'm still fishing for more comments on my Questions (post #2277061 - 09/01/12 10:58 PM ) if anyone has a bit of time. Thanks!

(Just re post that question. I have no idea what # my posts are, or where you find that out, but just asking again seems a lot simpler.)

So, Denver wrote a lot to you about some hard conversations with his wife and some wacky events.

(Remember to Take in what we post to you, too. I know it's a lot but it is worth noting and processing, truly. Denver's sitch may help you a lot).

You have anything to say about all that he wrote? I mean, have you really read how far apart they were, how very ANGRY SHE was, and then processed that?

And they are restoring their marriage now. Not merely reconciling, but restoring and recreating.

What if Denver second guessed and changed his paths, as often as you seem to be suggesting?

(I am positive he second guessed, like we all do when we are here. But when you are trying to be a better, kinder person, that part needs never be second guessed and it's the bulk of the changes you are trying to make, n'est pas?)

Did you see any of Denver's wife's words or feelings, as words your wife might say or want to say, or feelings she might have?

Given your history, and goals, there's nothing reasonable for you to do NOW and in the near future, but stick to the plan.

Then reassess as necessary, or as events call for.

((( )))