DB Bootcamp - dawnmarie and zig et al

[zig]

Hi sweet dawn -

i'm sorry i've been away on a trip and also needed a break from the boards.

I did go over and read a bit on your thread, and also your posts here tonight.

Dawn - i am going to be straight with you here. There's a strong pattern in your posts and the main impression is that you are really stuck where you are - in terms of yourself an din terms of your relationship to your h.

It's time to get unstuck - and it's a decision you have to make and commit to - by yourself - without paying ANY mind whatsoever to how your h or your relationship with him may be affected.

What we need to do it get you to emotionally move in a positive direction - and that is going to take some determination on your part to get there.

The smallest tiniest shift, will make a huge difference.

From what I understand your h is repeatedly telling you that he is quite quite comfortable where he is.

And he is comfortable there, because YOU are there with him. Can you see that?

I think what I am trying to say is that you need to not be there - and you need to figure out what you have to do so you are not there in the way you have been all this time.

In order for you to figure that out - you first have to figure out and see clearly how you are there for him - how you feed his comfortable-ness - and once you've figured that out - stop doing it.

My first suggestion would be to absolutely stop having those conversations with him that you describe - where he tells you how he's going to stay that way. Allow him to face it on his own. I have a feeling that you are somehow validating it for him .

this is the equivalent of a severe alcoholic who absolutely refuses to change or make their life better. what does the other person do? enable it or let it go.

you need to start letting go of where he is. and that means looking at and inspecting yourself and where you fit in to the equation - and changing that equation.

have you finished Co-Dep no more?

did you get the Dance of Anger yet? this one will really help you to learn to recognize the patterns - they are so hard to see at first , but then when you start to see them, it's like a waterfall - non-stop the patterns emerge and then you can change them

so Dawn - let's get you to focus really hard on other things than your sitch right now with your h - let's get you a small set of goals that are very specific, to do with patterns - within yourself first.

i'd love it if you wrote down some of the patterns that you see yourself doing - for example - how do you react when you are disappointed about something? how do you react when your h sleeps for 2 days and you have to eat dinner on your own?

really specific answers - and from what you write, we'll figure out what we can do to change those within you to more positive reactions that help you keep moving forward

will that work for you?

i'm looking forward to doing this with you - i think if we can get really specific - you can make some positive movement within yourself

when is your apptmt with the therapist?

also - i'm sorry you didn't get the job - but Dawn, the more you focus on that as a means to an end (you wrote that getting the job will give youa stability that makes you feel independent) - the more elusive it will become.

you can feel emotionally independent also - and that will benefit you greatly right now - and i think it's a necessary step before you can truly step out into the world. so let's find that emotional independence for you, eh

have you read the analogy of the castle and the picnic?

you are smack in the middle of the castle right now - and i want you to start walking to that big huge heavy door, use all your strength to open it, walk through, pull it closed behind you and walk across the moat.

walk as far as you can, spread out the blanket, and sit down, with your back to the castle and everything in it. and there you can take a deep breathe and rest a bit. we'll all come join you - but you have to come out there okay?

big hug and lots of positive energy your way

also - every time you catch yourself thinking "i can't do this" stop and ask yourself why - there's usually not a good enough reason not to try something different or new

(((((( ))))))
zig