Can Turtles climb?

[StubbornDyke]

So true. I was tempted to impersonate her on the goals thread, but I restrained myself...

[zig]

hi everyone - we just got home a few hours ago.

and so many messages - and zig withdrawal! that's so sweet to read - made me feel good - at least someone missed me!!

i can't say i'm in the best of places right now - it's been a good trip and a not so good one. i've actually been struggling quite a lot through it all - and especially today coming back.

s had a great time, but tbh, there were times when i was really struggling and they were not so perfect.

we did a lot - and i did things that were huge steps for me - driving alone in houston with s was definitely the big one

overall, s is very happy. i feel very mixed - i saw sooo much the things that i still need to work on within myself, and there were moments where i was stressed and reacted so easily in the old way of getting overwhelmed, that it puzzled me - i thought i had come so far. the weird thing was that my mom is under so much stress and anxiety that she was acting like i did after the accident, which really freaked me out.

h stopped by after his meeting tonight to see s - who was soo delighted. by the third day away i had texted him that he needed to call s - it's like the man needed an f'ing invitation to do the right thing!! he did do so everyday after that

when he came tonight i was quite cool, off-hand and actually did not really care at all to see him. i know he noticed - he asked me if it was ok if he stopped by and i said casually yes, but i wasn't all friendly and happy to see him - just neutral and i think that unnerved him - but i couldn't care less. i'm really struggling with the fact that he took ow over to meet his parents over the weekend, and besides she just left yesterday.

that was a big emotional hurdle for me to face - and i'm working through it - actually trying to figure out why it is so big for me - why it hurts me so bad. i think i associate it with him truly moving on with no turning back whatsoever. and so i am really giving up completely on any hope in this sitch at all.

mil is a bit of a mess and won't talk to me - she's also very very sad.

i feel as if the real thing is starting now - the real stuff to deal with - and that this last year has just been the universe helping me get strong enough to deal with it.

i feel sort of numb these last few days - find myself thinking i just have to get through the next few days and not think too much about any of this at all. of course, as we all know - one can hardly stop thinking about it at all. and as for numb - well, hardly - been having quite a few crying jags!!

stubborn - i've been saying mantras like you for the last 3 days!!

reading Beattie's Daily Meditations is all that's saving me right now -i just keep reminding myself that surrender and letting go of all of this is the only option - alternating with wondering why after another has continually caused so much pain for so long, would one even want any more of the r!!

so busting, ng, brit, stubborn, vera - my ladies of the picnic - i've thought of you all and especially today when we came out of lunch - there was this huge pool and suddenly all these turtles came up and there was one that was just staring at me = and i decided that that was definitely Surrender.

does surrender always come with a lot of tears and grief and pain? can it also come when one is serene?

so i wish i could say that our trip was fantastic every moment, and it was - in a lot of ways, but it also felt very painful at times. in an ironic way i was almost petrified to come back here and at the same time couldn't wait to get back so i can start work tomorrow.

not to mention getting back to my goals "duties" ...

i've missed you all too, but i did need a bit of a break

hope you're all ready to keep going with the goals thing = because i've decided that's the only thing worth focusing on right now, for me!!

i hope all of you are well and thanks so much - everyone for stopping by and wishing me well and waiting for me to come back

((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))
to everyone

zig

[vera be fierce]

welcome back dear zig (((( )))))

reading your post actually brought tears to my eyes. i'm sure the rush of the new experience is also contributing to you feeling a little "not so great" but perhaps when you look back on it you really will see how much you've grown even if you felt like at times you were reverting to your "old" ways.

i think surrender can come both with tears and grief and also with serenity.

in one of the first chapters of pema's "when things fall apart" she talks about accepting hopelessness and reaching peace through doing that. i'm not sure if you have that book but it might be something for you to bookmark and return to occasionally, because it sounds like it might be helpful for you right now.

and how fabulous that your S seemed to have a great time. i think this will be a trip that he'll remember forever. how lovely that you were able to create that for him.

for now, get some rest, and we'll see you ready for work tomorrow

[StubbornDyke]

Welcome back! Just keep swimming with those turtles...

((((( )))))

[zig]

thanks vera - and thanks for the reminder to go read pema's first chapter - i have done that periodically and it sits by my bedside - so will go do it right away.

maybe if i look at it from a different perspective - i could say that yes i have grown so much = just the fact that i was so aware of how i was reacting.

and i did start to spin off a couple of times - but went straight to meditate, and that helped me to surrender in the moment as much as i was capable of. and so i also was able to stop right away and even think of going to meditate, let alone doing it. the last few days, i have realized that the only way to get through this for me is huge amounts of meditating - like every hour on the hour if i have to!!

after i read what you described about what pema's says - a little light went on - i think this feeling hopeless - it's very new and very raw and very different.

i have been so determinedly focused for so long on DB'ing and hoping and believing in it, that to finally allow myself to feel hopeless, is making me feel very vulnerable. i feel raw and open and very emotional. but instead of trying to talk myself to a good place, i am finding that it is okay to sit with it, to just face it completely and i find myself saying, it's okay - soon you will feel better, even if in the moment it's very hard to see that possibility.

i think for the first time, i am in the beginning stages of truly becoming comfortable with the unknown. i'm not quite there yet - but at least comfortable enough to think about it without immediately wanting to control it in some way.

i've thought a lot about control and wanting to be right vs. wrong and what triggers me off the most when i get frustrated. reading about frustrations from Turtle's website, helped me work through and uncover some of what was going on there. i like his approach on how to solve it - by turning within and looking for what the underlying issues are within oneself.

how are you vera? - i have a lot of catching up to do. i hope things are going well for you

thanks again sweet friend - i'll come over soon
(((( ))))
zig

[zig]

thanks stubborn - coming over to check on how you are - hey and you can impersonate me anytime ya like

[labug]

It's another layer peeling off, you will soon feel much better.

[zig]

I know, labug - this time, I actually know that!

how are you? well, i hope?

((((( ))))))
zig

[needgrace]

dear sweet zig,

i wish i were there to give you a big hug and that we were all together IRL to hang out on the blanket tonight. to see you hurting is hard, it really makes me angry with your H (sorry, hope that doesn't make you feel worse...)

on days and weekends like that.. i try to remember that i was okay without W before i met her and so i will be okay without her now...

and that as Rilke says, no feeling is final...

and i fill my ears and eyes with pema, pure unadulterated pema who can calm me down in the midst of anything...

and i watch ab fab episodes...

and i read my cainer forceast just for a laugh

and i eat chocolate..

and i meditate and imagine myself floating...

and i cry until i am done crying...

and i read your words and brits and bustings and veras and cadets and bugs and on and on....

and i remember that i had the courage to keep my vows..that i am hurting now but will not regret later that i stood for what i believed in...

and i use positive self affirmations...

and i remember that the more time distances me from this day, the less it will hurt...

and i remember that it is MY choice when to give up... that MLC is a long, long road and I choose if/when to get off of it...

and i feel good that i almost fell off my bike last week when i saw a pretty lady run by bc it is a sign that i am healing and alive again...

AND dear sweet zig...you have every right to hurt about this weekend.. and anyone would hurt, but what is incredible about you....

is that you, in your strength and courage and wisdom are finding and will find a way to use every bit of that pain to GROW....

you are an amazing woman..you prove that here every day...

and only a FOOL...

((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))

[zig]

oh ng - you sure know how to make a chic feel good. you made me cry with a smile on my face

i LOVE your poetry - i love the way you put things and i love that you take the time to write them to me.

what a wonderful wonderful list - that's our armor isn't it?

and i feel good that i almost fell off my bike last week when i saw a pretty lady run by bc it is a sign that i am healing and alive again...

I say - Oh Yes!!! - i find myself checking out the guys now also!! but sadly today i realized that i don't think i'm ready yet - too bad - would be such a nice diversion. it's still a look but don't touch sort of situation for me...
you have said such beautiful words to me tonight, ng - i will savor them - it is sooo much encouragement - and i am so grateful for it.

i wish, too.. IRL...

but in some ways this IS IRL, isn't it?

i think the way you write is magical -write some more for us won't you?

I think we are all really mad at all the WAS's here who hurt all of us beautiful LBS's - and no, it doesn't make me feel worse at all

(((((((((( )))))))))))))

let's go have a shot on the blanket eh - i've missed that all week

love ya, ng

zig