Divorced #4

[suppo]

Carnac, I love your posts and you are right. I need to get back to that form of confidence. I need to be fun again. I need to be... me! I will go back and reread them. Thank you.

Carnac is exactly right! You put put in about 2-3 days of good detaching & whatnot, then let your emotions take back over control & start at square one. According my IC, over 15% of couple she see after D, end up reconciling after they work through the own issues & end up having a better R, because they get past the selfishness of what caused it & try to truly look at other persons perspective of things.

You have good moments & bad moments! And like I have stated to you many many times, you are way to hard on yourself! So what if in the World's eyes the piece of paper states that you are legally D. In God's eyes you are still M & you both made mistakes.

Give him the space he wants & work on that time to better your own PMA. Remember, you were the WAW first, then he tried, but the time you wanted him back, he gave up trying.

Unfortunately peoples perception of things sometimes becomes reality for awhile & take some healing time & separation to see clearly what it is they were missing on both sides of the fence!

Keep up the work Sister, Freshman class will persevere!

I have ridden that damn roller coaster for last few days, when all along I should have been waiting on the platform for the emotional cycle to come back full circle & make baby steps during the right moment.

Have you read "Love & Respect"? Great book about the viscious cycle of relationships etc. And how we need to get off that cycle first by validating each others opinions whether you disagree with them or not.

Sorry I rambled on this one, but I have always had Faith in all of us because we all want the ultimate goal of reconciling, but need to get our emotions in check. I have always had anxiety issues, which always contributed to my low self-esteem/confidence in the last few years.

Some situations are what they are & don't really need analyzing.

[suppo]

Problem is that he's got the OW to fall back on and you haven't gotten his trust back yet. I still feel there's something there but you're going to let it take it's time. Again, start by doing small little family things here and there and then expand them.

Kind of like the current sitch I am in with OM! She knows I am not done, but now has someone to fill the void & give her that Euphoric feeling of what she was missing when I a blatant fool & disrespecting JackA$$ to her during last couple of years. Everyone has a breaking point, and I am no way in favor of my W finding and reaching out to OM this early when we aren't even D, but I can't say as I blame her for what a raging lunatic I was with projecting my unhappiness in life out on her, when she was never even the cause of my unhappiness.

My W tried her damnest to make things kosher & I am by no means suggesting that she hasn't made her mistakes, but I empathise & understand.

Not sure if this post makes sense, but I had taken a Xanax after another Roller Coaster ride I was stupid enough to join in on today.

God Speed Sister! I think our Freshman class will prevail if we support & keep each other humble/grounded.

[suppo]

We really are in such a similar sitch. I also kind of "left" my M when someone came along who I thought might be better. I certainly had left it in my head and it took me about a year to come back.

Ditto! I think that is where my W is right now, although one will never know! Maybe when things get tough, she really does reach out for someone to make her feel good & give her that happy euphoric feeling at the moment.

[Mrs D]

Ok. So I shouldn't be NCing but detaching again as I was before. But keep it tucked inside me. (Dont get all emotional) and not so often so that it doesnt look as if Im pursuing again?

[Mrs D]

But I really dont think I ever left. Not even in my head. I think it was more about the attention I was getting.. ??

Goals.. yeah. Ive set them. But they were hard for me to write because we didnt fight. We were best friends. When I had the fling, yes there were problems then - but it was things he wasnt providing. He tried to fix them after. I couldnt forgive myself for that one night. That is actually one of my goals for myself. To be able tio forgive myself. Still working on it...

[suppo]

Ok. So I shouldn't be NCing but detaching again as I was before. But keep it tucked inside me. (Dont get all emotional) and not so often so that it doesnt look as if Im pursuing again?

Not sure! You have to have NC when you feel your emotions are in check, but IMO if contact at certain time is being reciprocated in a somewhat positive way, then go with it.

Just stop with the gentle embraces & whatnot, so that he knows you care but aren't going to get touchy feely etc. He does technically have OW in picture right now, which my guess is pretty stress free as they are kind of in that euphoric Hollywood stage. I think Hollywood romance & euphoria is horse crap, but I think romance needs to be maintained throughout a M...Something I really screwed the pooch on when I went through my dark stage 7 totally became a selfish prick to be around.

[Mrs D]

Sup - you pick me up as quickly as I go down, and I so thank you for that! I wish I was able to give the advice you all do to me, back to you. Another goal. Communication skills. Im trying real hard not to be so hard on myself, but I think thats just me. I expect more out of myself.

I will check out the book as well. Thank for for the recommendation.

[Mrs D]

Ok. So I shouldn't be NCing but detaching again as I was before. But keep it tucked inside me. (Dont get all emotional) and not so often so that it doesnt look as if Im pursuing again?

Not sure! You have to have NC when you feel your emotions are in check, but IMO if contact at certain time is being reciprocated in a somewhat positive way, then go with it.

Just stop with the gentle embraces & whatnot, so that he knows you care but aren't going to get touchy feely etc. He does technically have OW in picture right now, which my guess is pretty stress free as they are kind of in that euphoric Hollywood stage. I think Hollywood romance & euphoria is horse crap, but I think romance needs to be maintained throughout a M...Something I really screwed the pooch on when I went through my dark stage 7 totally became a selfish prick to be around.

We didnt have much romance either. And we didnt really make time for ourselves. We lost "us" through having our kids, work... life. Heck we didnt even take a honeymoon, and I heard he wanted to take her to Mexico!! Im like REALLY???? I think it was just something to make me jealous again. Who knows.

[suppo]

But I really dont think I ever left. Not even in my head. I think it was more about the attention I was getting.. ??

Goals.. yeah. Ive set them. But they were hard for me to write because we didnt fight. We were best friends. When I had the fling, yes there were problems then - but it was things he wasnt providing. He tried to fix them after. I couldnt forgive myself for that one night. That is actually one of my goals for myself. To be able tio forgive myself. Still working on it...

That is your perception of things & there are always 2 sides on how things are perceived...That is the unfortunate part of perfecting communication skills!

We all make mistakes & yes yours is deemed a large one, but you do have to forgive yourself. I made lots of mistakes. Drank way too much right after layoff & bankruptcy, but she told me what I was doing wrong in a plain and simple manner, so I went to AA meeting & got myself back on track for about a year. I slowly got back into social drinking & totally controlled it, which she admitted...But then the unhappiness & black hole set in, which in turn was projected out onto her. She tried her damndest to make things happy for me & supported every hair brain idea i had to get out of where we currently live etc...But in reality none of that would have helped either, cause my self-confidence & leadership took such a down-word spiral she eventually broke.

I in no way condone or agree with going out & having an A such as her,l but empathize & can see why she is!! [censored] oh yeah, but understand how how I could have broke her last shred of trying.

[labug]

Isn't she GF not OW? I think continuing to think of her as OW confuses the situation, even in your mind, Mrs D.

If he is really trying to have a R with this woman, do you think your actions are bringing you closer to him or driving more of a wedge?

Try to put yourself in his shoes and her shoes. What would you think and feel?

This is not an affair, this is a man trying to move on after a D. A very different story.