It is so weird. I am not an emotional person. In almost all my interpersonal relationships I could really give a sh!t what a person does, or how they move into our out of my life. I'm a cool customer. See ya when I see ya. Get over it or don't. Makes no difference to me. I'll get along just fine. But with this chick... in this situation...uggg. I'm holding on to something that is no longer real. A better time. Memories. The past. It is a pipe dream.
I was excited to see some movement. Some warming. I saw it. And I could not hold my bluff.
I am rational. I know that even if she comes back... I may not be fulfilled. I am putting real work into this. I want to treat her how she wants to be treated. Love her how she wants to be loved. Fill the voids that I left vacant. But what if she does not do the same in return. There is certainly no sign of that now. I won't stand for that.
Love, real love, is given. Freely. With no expectations. I get that. And agree with it. But we all have needs. Recieving the gift of love being one of them.
Here is reality.
I have a wife who left me. Does not love me. Doesn't care what I do, or who I "do it" with. Asked me to sell our home, put my career on hold, and move 800 miles. So she could double her salary while I cut mine in half. Soon after she said ILYBNILWY, and snuck around with OM. Doesn't really matter if "nothing happened" or not. She tried to hide it. That is telling enough.
She has done me dirty. No doubt.
Why should I desire a person who would do that?
Have I lowered my self-worth?
Maybe so.
That is the past. Over. Done with. Kaput.
I would like to think I am standing for something though.
That I am doing the right thing.
That here and now, I am a better person.
That this pain was worth the self-growth.
That this loneliness was needed for inner reflection.
That I will be ok, I am ok, no matter what.
I will continue to love her, unconditionaly. To honor the for better or worse.
Not in hopes of manipulation. But because it is who I am.
Sorry for the rant. I did not expect to go that route when I started the post.
