and so many messages - and zig withdrawal! that's so sweet to read - made me feel good - at least someone missed me!!
i can't say i'm in the best of places right now - it's been a good trip and a not so good one. i've actually been struggling quite a lot through it all - and especially today coming back.
s had a great time, but tbh, there were times when i was really struggling and they were not so perfect.
we did a lot - and i did things that were huge steps for me - driving alone in houston with s was definitely the big one
overall, s is very happy. i feel very mixed - i saw sooo much the things that i still need to work on within myself, and there were moments where i was stressed and reacted so easily in the old way of getting overwhelmed, that it puzzled me - i thought i had come so far. the weird thing was that my mom is under so much stress and anxiety that she was acting like i did after the accident, which really freaked me out.
h stopped by after his meeting tonight to see s - who was soo delighted. by the third day away i had texted him that he needed to call s - it's like the man needed an f'ing invitation to do the right thing!! he did do so everyday after that
when he came tonight i was quite cool, off-hand and actually did not really care at all to see him. i know he noticed - he asked me if it was ok if he stopped by and i said casually yes, but i wasn't all friendly and happy to see him - just neutral and i think that unnerved him - but i couldn't care less. i'm really struggling with the fact that he took ow over to meet his parents over the weekend, and besides she just left yesterday.
that was a big emotional hurdle for me to face - and i'm working through it - actually trying to figure out why it is so big for me - why it hurts me so bad. i think i associate it with him truly moving on with no turning back whatsoever. and so i am really giving up completely on any hope in this sitch at all.
mil is a bit of a mess and won't talk to me - she's also very very sad.
i feel as if the real thing is starting now - the real stuff to deal with - and that this last year has just been the universe helping me get strong enough to deal with it.
i feel sort of numb these last few days - find myself thinking i just have to get through the next few days and not think too much about any of this at all. of course, as we all know - one can hardly stop thinking about it at all. and as for numb - well, hardly - been having quite a few crying jags!!
stubborn - i've been saying mantras like you for the last 3 days!!
reading Beattie's Daily Meditations is all that's saving me right now -i just keep reminding myself that surrender and letting go of all of this is the only option - alternating with wondering why after another has continually caused so much pain for so long, would one even want any more of the r!!
so busting, ng, brit, stubborn, vera - my ladies of the picnic - i've thought of you all and especially today when we came out of lunch - there was this huge pool and suddenly all these turtles came up and there was one that was just staring at me = and i decided that that was definitely Surrender.
does surrender always come with a lot of tears and grief and pain? can it also come when one is serene?
so i wish i could say that our trip was fantastic every moment, and it was - in a lot of ways, but it also felt very painful at times. in an ironic way i was almost petrified to come back here and at the same time couldn't wait to get back so i can start work tomorrow.
not to mention getting back to my goals "duties" ...
i've missed you all too, but i did need a bit of a break
hope you're all ready to keep going with the goals thing = because i've decided that's the only thing worth focusing on right now, for me!!
i hope all of you are well and thanks so much - everyone for stopping by and wishing me well and waiting for me to come back
((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))) to everyone
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
