More patience??? Really???

[2chiquitos]

playful affection is when H tells me, you're getting pretty dolled up to go to the beach. and I respond, it's so I get looked at (sounds better in spanish

H will ask, what are you plans today? Me: enjoy the weather, it's a beautiful hot day! (I used to hate the heat and he loves it!)

H will eat a muffin and say, I think I'm getting my muffin top back. Me: I never had a problem with your weight.

Sometimes I use the kids for this too. D1 will frown and I say, she looks just like you (in a happy playful way). BTW: my daughter looks EXACTLY like me but he loves to hear that she has his eyebrows!

Say whatever they like to hear that gets them in a good mood. You know your W well enough to know what gets her excited, build her self-esteem. Right now she feels like an awful person so just build on her self-esteem. It really makes a difference (it's gradual but I like to compare in terms of months, ex. 3mos he was soooo different!)

[labug]

Fun stuff, inside jokes, laughing and smiling a lot, sharing funny things that happen during the day. What happened with going out to Sonic once/week (or whatever)?

[ces67]

Thanks for the suggestions. W is on her "cleansing diet" again so no trips to sonic for a while. But we have MC this Friday and she asked me if I had time to go to lunch after the appointment. So we have a lunch date on Friday and I'm looking for a fun place that will work with her diet.

So here's what I'm doing for fun. W shared with me these shoe commercials on youtube over the weekend. The basic gist is a teenager who is disgruntled and unable to really express how excited they are about getting cool new shoes picked out by their mom. So the responses are very understated. However, to a mom of a teenager, they're huge, so at the end of each commercial a giant sign reading "Victory" falls down and fireworks go off.

So D10 and I are making my W "victory" signs on posterboard so as she has those "mom moments" where she's right but the kids don't want to acknowledge it, we can grab a "Victory" sign and hold it up for her. We just have to find time to make them while W is not around.

Other stuff. W stopped by the retail store where she is applying for a job. Apparently she struck up a good conversation with the sales people and in the process helped sell a customer on a belt to go with an outfit she was trying on. She called me to tell me about it and I laughed and enjoyed the moment with her. Later in the evening I brought it up again laughing about only she would get a cross-sell before even starting a job.

W is also training for her first olympic length triathalon next summer and is taking swim classes. So last night she had class and stayed longer so she could get a full mile in. I came home and have handled dinner for the kids and me and made extra for her. She got home later but made her goal of swimming a mile for the first time and I made a big deal of it and gave her a high five for her accomplishment.

So Bug, our "thing" seems to be turning into lunch every other week after MC which is nice. I also have a business trip to NYC in November and have told W I want to take her with me. She's never been. We have no family in the area so that is a challenge but I can tell W really wants to go. I've already talked to friends at church and got recommendations on a college student who house-sits and takes care of kids for other families. My kids are pretty low-maintenance so its mainly someone to fix their meals over the weekend. There is also a chance my parents may come down for the weekend to be with the kids.

I'll keep looking for the inside jokes and things we can interact about. Its one of those things we use to do but after living separate lives for 2 years, we need to build them up again.

Oh and Vero, I think just about everything sounds better in a Spanish accent! :0

[zig]

hi ces

so pleased to read your posts and hear about so much progress with your w.

it makes my heart warm up and smile

(((( ))))

just wanted to point out - your posts are ALOT about where your w is at and her responses and what you are all doing for her - which is as it should be - definitely coaxing the wild cat back in.

but i would love to hear about YOU - are you still making sure that you are working on yourself, focusing on filling your tank from other sources and not totally depending on your wife's little offerings to keep you in a good place.

it's easy fro us to feel so good with progress that we become sort of dependent on it only. so i just want to make sure that you are aware of that part of the slope for yourself.

i'm noticing more and more, that in the letting go for a certain thing to happen, it seems to start happening then - and somehow your letting go of the financial stuff in even a small way, seemed to allow space for this other progress - i keep wanting to say how glad i am that things are moving for you guys - over and over.

big hugs

and hope you all have a wonderful week

zig

[ces67]

Glad you're back Zig, I was reading over your thread and it sounds like a lot of mental and emotional activity for you from your trip. Glad you enjoyed it with your s. I know you will work through all the stuff that is going on. Its a rough process but its such a growth experience.

Still living my life. I got with my buddies so we can restart our Friday coffee tradition after our summer vacations. This friday we get back into the swing of that. I talk with a friend out of state every Tuesday for catching up and support. I continue to work out and exercise. I play softball with friends from church. I love my job and have a blast working with my team and taking part in events across the country.

I've also reconnected with a good friend from college who lives 3 hours away. I've spent the weekend with him and he's suppose to come spend a weekend with me soon as well. I'm planning on heading back over to see him soon. He went with me this summer when I got my first tattoo and so I'm heading back over to sit with him as he finishes up getting his entire arm done.

We are also talking with a few other college buddies about a guy's weekend soon. I may even host it at my house because I live in an area with some very rich musical history and that's a common interest of these guys.

Oh, and I'm training for a 5k this december which will be all of my family (W, S13 & D10) and am contemplating a 1/2 marathon in April which means I need to get busy on the training.

I read daily things that interest and inspire me and am staying active in my communications with friends here and other places.

The one thing I've not started yet is guitar lessons. I need to do some self-teaching and just set aside time each night to practice but its not caught on in my schedule just yet. I think as the weather gets cooler, I'll pick it up.

So that's me at the moment. How about you?

[ces67]

journaling:

2nd MC session took place today. IMO, it went well. We had homework to discover our "conflict styles" W and I are very similar in that we both approach daily conflict in the same way typically. We both start off as "harmonizing" and then move to "avoiding". There are 3 other styles in the eval as well. no style is "wrong" but as with any tool, you need to pick the right one for the right job. And we typically get comfortable with one tool and use it everywhere whether it works or not.

This led to other conversations about our lack of conversation over the past few years. The MCr had us to a "speaker/listener" exercise where one of us spoke, the other listened and then repeated back what they had heard.

Set up:
So to set this up a comment my W made was that she had stopped talking to me because to her I didn't listen and didn't care. I expressed that W thinks and talks much faster than I process. W even said she has multiple ideas running through her head at all times. For me, it takes a moment to process and connect the dots sometimes when she speaks to me.

Example: Last night W said, "I need gas for the car because I have to go into town tomorrow".
Me: At first I was puzzled because I didn't immediately connect that "going into town" meant going to our MC session. It took me just a second or two to process but in that moment, my face looked puzzled and my W got frustrated, assuming I had not remembered our session and therefore devalued her.

So from this, the exercise started with MCr asking both of us to write down 3 things that our spouse could do to help the other feel safe when talking. One of mine was that W listen to all I have to say before offering solutions. Here's what I said:

me: "It would help me feel safe if you listened to all that I had to say on a topic. Sometimes it can take me a bit longer to process all that I need to say and sometimes I just need to speak to process. You have good solutions and I want to hear them but it would help me if you let me talk through it before you offer solutions. I feel like my thoughts/ideas are not really heard when I'm interrupted with solutions before I can complete my thoughts."

W turns to MCr and says: "and what I just heard is that he doesn't want to hear me and my opinions don't matter."

MCr did a great job walking us through that scenario again and even pointed out that I had complimented Lisa by saying she had good solutions.

W talked about how during the day she can feel comfortable that she is where she needs to be and that she wants to work on our M but when get home she tenses up immediately and feels defensive.

MCr pointed out that W is perceiving threats where there are none and part of that may be related to her abusive upbringing.

We got more homework that will cultivate conversation skills between us and W and I went to lunch together after the appt. Also, W called me after lunch to tell me about her talking to a hiring manager about a job she has applied for and was able to see notes from the other employees stating she would be a good fit for the job. I feel very fortunate that she shared that good news with me and I commended her for her efforts.

So far MC seems to be providing the structure I was hoping for to help us reconnect. Still a long journey but the first few steps seem to be productive ones.

[labug]

Sounds so familiar. I'm glad you two are working through this.

[ces67]

Journaling:

Good weekend. Some basic observations/positives:

--W is wrapping up her work with friend and this job will be history and reduce the need for W to travel back to former home.
--W continues to talk to me about new job opportunities and discuss a plan for how it will create change for how we operate as a family. Not bad or good. Just adjustments.
--W was able to get our D10 to bible class this Sunday (as a reminder, W's absence at church had been a big driver of D10 not wanting to go, IMO)
--While I was washing the car this weekend, W came outside and we just talked while I was doing it for no reason but to do it.

[ces67]

Oh, and for those of you who recall this little bit of history, the infamous "t-shirt" has been removed from the bathroom and tucked away in the closet for a week now...

[zig]

how are you in all this ces?

neutral, encouraged? more patient, less patient/

I'm all into energy and vibes now - make sure your vibes are high and vibrant - it radiates out and reflects back ...

I think you are really doing a great job of standing back a little, and letting things unfold in their own time

hope you have a stupendous week

zig