Not sure if you're talking to me or Mandy. If you're asking me, then unfortunately, it went nowhere. WAW is still lives in the house, cordial (more or less), but acts as if my only role is to provide family income, and watch over autistic son.
It's obvious that Mandy's H isn't in the same head space. I think there's more hope for her
I don't want to hijack Mandy's thread, though. I'm not really looking for advice. I've been DB-ing for a lotta years with mixed success. No magic bullet. I've resigned myself to the way things are. Things might change some day, but I believe that in my case, any new changes have to come from W.
The "pause" happened on the way home from the trip. She noticed that he wasn't "there" with her. (No kidding - he was emailing me while she was driving!) She felt she had to step away to give him the opportunity to see what he wants. It's a weird term "pause"...not a break, not together - he's just free to explore what he wants/needs without consequences.
It's been a nice change for me, even though it's only been 24 hrs, I no longer feel like OW. I don't feel like I have to "hide". But he still feels/does guilt when we're together. And that makes sense...but it hurts too!
I was all ready to give him a big lecture when we met yesterday, that we couldn't "fool around" because he'd just be throwing away his new R, instead of ending it respectfully. Well that went out the window quick enough. I did get to say that there are 2 decisions to make - 1)does he want to be with her? 2) if no, does he want to be with me? While he can't have both, it doesn't mean he should base one decision on the other.
The problem is he misses her when he's with me and misses me when he's with her.
He's messed up. I think it's too soon to say what he wants, but he seems to think he needs to decide "yesterday". He's afraid to end up losing us both and at the same time doesn't want to hurt either of us.
The house being sold and him having to move doesn't help either. Too soon to "move in" with either the gf or me & so he's feeling like his whole life is getting away from him.
Oh - I know all too well that this is all my fault. He'd be so much better off if I could step away...but I just can't - I want him and us too much!
I told him that it might be too late, but I'm not going down without a good 'fight'. He knows a lot more of where I'm coming from now. We had a good discussion tonight - I let down my 'wall' and confessed to a lot of things I did/said/believed/felt that were wrong.
"...but I just can't - I want him and us too much!"
See that's your problem. You're not thinking about HIS needs. You're only thinking about your own. Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about him.
Release the chains around him and see if he comes back on his own. Right now you're causing major pressure on him. His GF has the right idea.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
It is so sad to see a sitch like this.... I feel for you Mandy, my W is exactly where you were before your H found OW. My W says because she hasn't felt that spark for a few years that it means we are not meant to be together. I know I have played my part just like you know now that you played yours.
I can tell you right now that you NEED to detach and be the better option. It has helped my sitch out tremendously. The OW is doing what you should be doing. Be nice, cordial and keep any correspondence short and sweet. But PULL back hard. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life but it gets easier with time. Just work on you more, this promotion looks promising and a great distraction as well.
I hope my W doesn't have to feel what you are going through right now. I feel your pain and will read your sitch from time to time to see if there is anything I can offer.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
