Divorced #4

[Mrs D]

Thanks Bond. Your wise as always. Ever thought of changing your name to Yoda?

[Mrs D]

MrsD: I agree with Bond....can't tell you how to do it because I haven't gotten there yet, but I know its what has to be done.

I also wanted to tell you that i applaud you. You have good days and bad and get down on yourself at times, and at times i've been hard on you as well, but the truth is you are willing to still stand for your marriage even though you are divorced and your husband has a girlfriend and that is an admirable trait in this society we currently live in.

Even if the reasons for your divorce were because of your own mistakes you've been willing to own those mistakes admit your flaws and work toward becoming a better person. You should be proud!

Thanks Carnac. I really needed to hear this today. I really just feel like Im losing a losing battle. I have NEVER been not confident in anything I do. I really feel about as low as I did when I first found out about her.

[Mrs D]

....but I know how badly you want this and i've seen a few signs that tell me you might be able to get what you want if you could simply figure out how to get out of your own way. Give NC enough time to work....let him go and see what happens....worse case is he doesn't come back...but really he's not there now right? So you have nothing to lose by trying.

Out of curiousity Carnac - what signs are you seeing?

[Mrs D]

X just called. Apparently he just got the message I left last night that I was taking him to court for support. (We are 50/50 which I am starting to think is bunk) He like is this the way its always going to be when we argue? I told him just to disregard the message. The call was because I was hurt. I told him I was sorry and that you've obviously moved on or something to the extent. He said Trish, youve moved on years ago. You told me you werent in love with me anymore. I said I did. And explained that Ive been doing alot of reading and realized that I was in MLC. He said. I told you that along time ago. I said yes you did, but at that time that wasnt something that I needed you to tell me. It was something I needed to learn and go through on my own. I told him that I never left him -because I just questioned what if there was something better because of the problems we had, and then the problems I added to the mix.

He said he didnt want to get into any of this now, and asked for C. He was outside playing so he said hed call later.

Idk what your thoughts are on the conversation, but it felt good that he wqs questioning some things I guess. I am still on the - do whatever you need to kick. Im just tired I guess of the emotional stress. Strain...... I really feel as if Im done. And that sorta scares me.

[MrBond]

"I told him that I never left him -because I just questioned what if there was something better because of the problems we had, and then the problems I added to the mix."

Just because in your mind you didn't leave physically, doesn't mean that you didn't leave him. You just mentioned that you wondered if there were something better. He's going to interpret that as something better...THAN HIM.

Again, he has no assurance from you than you aren't going to leave in a couple of months.

"Strain...... I really feel as if Im done. And that sorta scares me."

This is where all that stuff you swore when you first began DBing comes into play. Did you really mean it when you said that he's the love of your life? That you were willing to stick by him forever? If you don't "feel" it now, he's right. You could leave him high and dry in a couple of months.

You have to show him commitment and trust on the long haul. Are YOU up to it?

[labug]

Another great post, Bond.

[Mrs D]

Yes Bond. Im in for the long haul. What I meant by done is that Im finished trying to make him come to me. He needs to figure this all out on his own, because I feel he is confused. I may be wrong. I may not be. Im going forward working on me and my issues to make myself a better person. Im done trying to force him to come back to me. Thats what I mean by done. Oh no. I am NOT giving up on us. Not at all.

Im not sure how I can assure him Im not going to leave. Other than working on myself, trying to regain trust by being as transparent as I can... what more can I do?

[Mrs D]

I just thought of something. When I sent the text that I was done last night, will he interpret that as Im done completely? Because Im not. Im still here. Just in the background working on myself...... if that is what he thought, how can I make him understand that I am truly still here without pursuing?

[MrBond]

From what you wrote, it does sound like you're "done" with him. Especially when you mentioned here about increasing CS. But you see how even I was confused. Even I thought you were "done" completely.

[Carnac]

MrsD: If you look back through your threads i think the positives will be obvious. I think you keep looking for that big aha moment. I had a friend who told me once he spent so much time trying to create and capture these big aha moments with his kids that he failed to recognize all of the small things they enjoyed and wanted more of from him. I think thats where you are, you fail to see the little things.....I think it would do you a world of good to go back through your threads....only the things that you have written and read them again and see what the positives were that you were noticing then, and then see if you can recognize when you scare him off.

You can't assure him you aren't going to leave, but you can assure him that you have really changed who you are. Unfortunately the only way to assure him of that is to truly be a different person for an EXTENDED period of time. It almost sounds to me as if he's looking to see if you can be trusted and maybe you don't show him who you were then, but you certainly show him someone he has no interest in now. The needy wanting woman didnt get him to begin with, why would that work now? Go back through your thread again...you were a cocky fun bartender right? How does the man that fell for that end up with the needy, clingy insecure person you are right now?