More patience??? Really???

[ces67]

Thanks 2, honestly, I have been praying specifically that a wedge would be placed between W and her relationship with this family. So to me it is an answered prayer. I'll admit that I've run a few potential scenarios through my mind but decided what matters is she is focusing less on those relationships and more on ours. Truth will come out when it is the right time.

More journal stuff:

We did have a brief talk about the money last night. We reviewed what bills were due and what money was coming in. W decided we needed to wait on some painting until she has a job. She is even planning potential travel scenarios to manage new jobs and our normal holiday schedule.

She's stressed but not overwhelmed. The reality of where we are and most likely the realization of the impact of her choices are hitting her a bit.

I am staying calm and working through what is necessary. I am working to create an environment of opportunity and not punishment. The past cannot be changed. The future is open for potential.

[labug]

ces, I' so happy for you! This all sounds great. I know it's hard work but look what's happening.

[ces67]

Thanks, Bug. Good stuff is happening. I see the temptation to notice bad things that still exist but I'm getting better at setting that down and watching the "trend" as you reminded me not too long ago.

Last night was open house for my D10's school. W and I walked around and talked to the teachers together and it was almost normal. D10 is starting her 3rd year in this school since the move and it looks like she's finding her place again. Her teachers from the past 2 years praise her and give her hugs and her new teachers this year talk about enjoying her in class. It took a while but its fun to see my D10 enjoy the social relationships in her school again.

W appeared to have fun as well. She was working the book fair and talking with the teachers. One of D10s teachers was talking to W about subbing for her class. My W taught kindergarten when we were first married. She's great at it but has enjoyed being home with the kids even more. She likes being up at the school and involved in that aspect of their life as well. It was good to see the teachers show an interest in my W and recognize what she can offer. Its a boost my W has needed as well.

Second MC session is a week from today. I had to turn down a business trip so I could attend and was glad to do so. Painting for the weekend got nixed due to finances but the town we live in is hosting a family bike ride tomorrow morning so we are all getting up to take a 5 mile ride together. My son is less than thrilled about getting up early on a Saturday, but he'll live!

[ces67]

Journaling:

Decent weekend. Friday night was a family night. We just hung out together as a family and watched a movie together. Nothing major on Saturday or Sunday either. We got some stuff done around the house. W and I had some normal conversation about stuff we're doing.

Now that W is not going to be working for her friend we spent a lot of time talking about other job options for her. All options were her idea and I was only a sounding board for her. I am thankful she is looking at job stuff so actively on her own. My main encouragement is that she picks something she enjoys and wants to do. She has a couple friends who do the self-employeed selling jobs. One sells jewelry and the other skin care products. Both would allow the flexibilty my W enjoys so she can be with the kids and help as school when she wants. The library job was already filled. She applied for a retail job at a local mall as well. Plus she is tutoring and getting her name back on the sub list at school. She is determined. At some point, she will need to narrow and focus her stuff so she isn't overwhelmed but that will come.

Took a day trip with the family on the holiday just to get out of the house and spend some family time. It wan't the best of destinations but my W said "at least it was time together as a family" and that made the day worth it.

A couple other nice instances...

D10 was talking about how she and her mom want to go to Hawaii after D10 graduates from high school. W has mentioned this a few times over the past couple years but always in the sense of it was a trip for "her". This time after D10 mentioned it W said, "And your Dad & brother can come with us"...

On the way back from the day trip, I asked if W had done her homework for MC. She had started it but not finished it. We had to do a self-eval survey on behavior styles we have in dealing with conflict. It prompted a good conversation on the drive home.

Things continue to go better. Still no affection going on between us. Last night as we were telling the kids good night, W as hugging and holding our son and being a bit playful. I have to say, it made me a bit sad that we are still not that way and I miss it. But, things are still getting better and I am optimistic that this too will return to our M in the future.

[labug]

Are you playfully affectionate with her? I don't mean touching yet but just with your words and actions?

[ces67]

I'm getting better at it. This weekend was definitely more joking around and humorous than it has been.

I confess that the rality of our financial issues weighs on me a good bit but I feel I'm better at setting that aside and joking & laughing about stuff. There were a few specific things over the weekend where I felt back to my normal goofy self in our interactions. I also have some homework on my side to finish off a fun joke that came up. W was sharing some funny stuff with me too.

[labug]

ces, my hindsight advice to ME would be-focus on the Rs that are important as my #1 priority.

I made the money issue the #1 priority. That didn't work out so well.

Money problems can be fixed, sometimes Rs can't.

[afa75]

Ces,
Just read this entire thread, and want to say a few things.
First, you are an inspiration, I'm more hopeful about my sich based on reading yours and how you managed to overcome obstacles.
Secondly, I must agree with Labugs, last comment, about changing priorities. Part of my sich is due to myself working too much / too late in order to make more money = more financial stability versus tending to my W's actual emotional needs (QT).
If you agree, remember the song, "Even though we ain't got money, I'm still in love with ya honey"

[RoRoinMD]

Are you playfully affectionate with her? I don't mean touching yet but just with your words and actions?

Ces, Bug asks a very good question. I think "playfully affectionate" words and actions from you will lead to the physical affection coming back.

This hit a nerve with me. I was totally doing this with H a few months ago, but somehow I'm not doing that so much now. I could tell he liked it because it reminded him of the me he met when we first started dating. Not sure why I stopped. Something to think about.

Thanks for the poke, Bug.

[ces67]

Thanks Bug, good advice as always. I feel I am doing better with not focusing on the money too much. My W knows what our sitch is and hopefully will engage in a solution as she starts working more. I think as it comes up in MC it will get the attention it needs as well.

For now, I am being supportive and living my life with the stuff I like as well. We are doing more family things which is great but I am paying attention to keeping my own interests and not losing myself.

I'd be curious for some examples of what you ladies think is "playful affection". I think a challenge for me is that W has pushed me away for so long I'm not quite sure how to be playful with her as it was so unwelcomed for so long. I guess one thing is to let go of the fear of rejection and just do it. (Come on Ro, I know you've got some ideas in there....:)

Afa - thanks for stopping in. I love that song! Sang it a lot when we were expecting our son nearly 14 year ago! Its definitely been the hardest 2 years of my life but the light at the end of the tunnel is brighter and I can at least tell its not a train!