Breakdown - I'm really impressed by the way you've handled all of this. What a lot of growth for you. You've taken the hard steps of looking inside and fixing what wasn't working. You deserve a lot of commendation. I wish my H could meet you.
Interesting to hear that you thought that your W would leave you. I know that my H thinks that for sure. It is his insecurity coming into play. For example he doesn't understand that my sexting thing had nothing to do with the actual guy and I wasn't planning on leaving him. However, about 3 years ago there WAS a guy who I might have left him for and I think that really kicked his insecurity into high gear. So now I think he's playing this game to get me to leave him.
Also of note here is that his own mother abandoned the family when he was 13 or 14 and I guarantee he has not processed that. This is playing in to our sitch for sure. One time he even started comparing me to his mother.
Ironically the only time we can really have a good discussion is after we ML. I'm still very afraid to talk to him about my feelings because he just turns it around on me eventually. He isn't endeavoring to understand where I'm coming from at all. He claims he isn't ready to work on the R and I think that's true: he doesn't know how to get where he needs to be so that he can work on the R. And he certainly won't let me help him get there.
I do know exactly why I engaged in the whole sexting thing - not only was it exciting but it made me feel wanted and validated. Not just wanted in the sexual sense, but wanted as a person. My H's contempt for me was palpable, and I was going through a tough time at work. I had a terrible boss and that coupled with my H's rejection led to almost a complete loss of self-esteem. So to have this guy interested in me felt good and I engaged in it to feel better. Plain and simple. And it worked. Of course, I didn't really realize any of this at the time.
I probably didn't put enough effort into the M. Neither of us really did. We were too caught up in what the other person wasn't doing to focus on anything good that was there. I was selfish and he was destructive. We have HORRIBLE communication together which doesn't help... let's face it, we are a mess. Now he is saying he wants to move out and we can barely cover our expenses as it is.
Your sitch gives me hope - I know it's not perfect but you are both trying hard. Keep going. I know it gets so frustrating sometimes, but that's what all of us are here for - to help when the going gets tough.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page