Freedomland Ahead

[forward]

"However, I've also lost all that time, where I could've been having fun, going out with other singles, and just getting on with my life."

Being, I wouldn't look at it that way. It's also a time to become detached, evaluate the situation, and, basically, heal. Personally, I liked the quiet and although I was lonely at times, when I decided it was time to stop being lonely, I was ready to get out there.

I used the time to try to get healthy and feel good about myself again. I would suggest that it is helpful just to hang out with other singles, or other people, for a while before you jump into the scene.

[BeingMe]

I agree, Forward. In retrospect, I did use the time mainly for becoming detached, thinking about what to do, started studying, and healing in more ways than emotionally (it was during this time that I was getting past the cancer thang). But, every time he came home, I started hoping again, only to have it dashed. Little by little, the hope faded after each of his visits home, until now I have no hope of reconciliation. I feel ready, now. So, I don't see the time as wasted per se, just that if I knew that he was seeing other people, then I would've moved on faster, and the hope would've diminished quicker.

Nothing to do about it now. Just learn from it, and step into the future with that knowledge. I don't feel resentful, or cross ... just, like ... hey, you could've told me, dude!

Sooooo .... I had that coffee date. It was nice. He made me laugh ... he has this British dry humour. He may be a tad older than I like, but I won't write him off because of that. We'll see what happens. I'm not going to jump into a R with anyone until I'm divorced and had some time to let that sink in. Meantime, I'm all for hanging out, having fun, laughing, etc.

[BeingMe]

I got this email from STBXH (he left on Sunday afternoon, and I got this at about 6pm today):

"I am still amongst the living. I had to get up early for a conference call and once again things have turned to s**t in Brazil, so I could not get out till later. The traffic was terrible today and the bike unstable with the load, so I turned back. Looked at some apartments in R but it's pricey so I came to V. Just looked at a complex near the airport and it is more affordable. Found a short term place in M for now.

Hope you had a good day"

I replied (showing him a positive outlook, that I really am not too worried about where he is, or what he's doing, and that is true at last):

"Nice to know you're amongst the living. M is nice. I had a very
good day, thanks. Tomorrow, D19 and I start classes.

Just in case you didn't notice, we got a really good review on the condo. Yay (name of reviewer)!"

The condo will still be partly mine/his. We rent it out to short term businessmen. This was meant to be the first in several as we go into retirement because we don't have enough pension saved. Ah well!

To give y'all an idea of where he is .... he was supposed to go to C, 12 hours away (including a ferry trip of 1.5 hours), with his motorbike. He ended up in M, not even 2 hours away, and back on the island (which included a 2 hour ferry trip going further south). Weird, but not my problem anymore ... or, my business, as he has stated on more than one occasion. Yet, there he is, trying to pull me into his stuff. So, as y'all can see ... did not mention his job sitch. This, by the way, is more info he has given me about what's going on in his life, in a long, long time. I don't know if he's still in MLC, or if this is just his personality, or he just doesn't love me, but he sure doesn't let go easily. He doesn't even mention any of the children. Perhaps, he's in contact with them directly ... I hope so.

[beatrice]

FWIW I do think your h is in MLC. They function on one level but nothing they do makes sense to anyone except themselves, and that only at the time they are doing it. Very occasionally my xh had admitted to people he has no idea why he did many of the things he has done over the past 7 years

Although they don't know what they want, they are very sure they don't want to be with us. it is as if we are the wrong magnetic pole, if you see what I mean. We repulse them on some very deep level - not that we are repulsive, but they can't be close to us.

My xh did something very similar - he vacillated where he wanted to live all one summer, and then set off for where OW lived, but he didn't go there directly and he took a week to drive about 700 miles! And they go on sucking us into their lives. I do not understand, psychologically, what is going on with them, but it is strange.

One idea I have is that they are deeply unhappy but have to pretend that they aren't, but if they come close to us they will have to face what it is in them that is unhappy, so they displace it on to us. Some of them are mean about it, others just cold, and a few are emotional and weepy about their actions. But they are impervious to reason, and talking it through . . .. I guess if they could talk about it then it wouldn't be a crisis.

Sad, very sad for us, and for them, because they lose everything. My kids really have no time for their father, and don't respect or admire him for the way he has behaved. I have learned to stay away from the relationship - it was hard watching him screw it up and then reap the consequences. But, they still don't get it. People say they hit bottom. Some may do, but many just contiue in what I can only describe as a twilight world of half life.

[job]

BeingMe,
Your h could have been my xh. When my xh left, he was basically homeless for about 6 weeks. He lived w/co-workers and bummed rooms from all of them or lived at the firehouse. One day, I told him that he was basically homeless and he needed to find a place so that he could establish a place for his mail to go. He phoned me up two days later to tell me about this unfurnished room he had rented for more than what our house payment was. I told him I was glad he found a place and left it at that.

I honestly don't know why they have to tell us about such stuff unless it is the fact that they look at us as the authority figures in their lives.

Bea's thoughts are pretty much my own as well. They really are very unhappy and don't know how to get out of that mode.
They want everyone to think that they are living the glamous life and happy as can be, but they also know that we know them extremely well and can detect the lies.

As Bea mentioned, some do hit bottom and grow from their experiences and mature into adults and want to reconcile or possibly go on to other relationships. Some don't. My xh is still living in the fantasy world of a teenager and I serioiusly doubt that he will hit bottom until he is actually 6 feet under. It's very, very sad.

[BeingMe]

It is sad, but I don't believe that they can't control their actions. Maybe, I've become less empathetic during this whole time that he has had this MLC. I asked him once, "who do you think knows you best in the whole world?" I thought he would say his mom, or some OW, but he emphatically said, "you" with an expression that seemed to say I should've known that. Yet, I still look at his actions and words, and shake my head. I thought I knew him, but not anymore. Which is why he had to leave.

[job]

BeingMe,
Stay strong and stay true thy self. We all thought we knew our spouses and once the switch is flipped, we don't know them at all. Very sad.

[BeingMe]

I didn't respond to you, Braveheart, so I'll do so now (sorry, didn't see your post). As you can see, I did hear from him. No dangling R's, just a sad man trying to find himself. Yes, I know I was supposed to say, "come home, H" when he made the "homeless" comment. But, I didn't. I asked him twice during the summer if he wanted to reconcile and go to MC, or divorce. He chose divorce. I will never ask him again. And, finally, I chose to let him go, to beg him to go, almost. The world has lifted from my shoulders since he left. I'm not going to fall for the "poor me" attitude. When I asked him to leave the house, and find his own place, was when I was truly, honestly DONE. He has commented that his dating is not my business ... well, it isn't anymore. Not only isn't it my business ... I don't actually care. I'm not going to be his little wife to go home to while in Toronto he's separated. He can't have it both ways. I even unfriended him from FB. I don't care to know his business, except where our children and our finances are concerned. That is my business.

The terms I quoted above, was his too. I actually gave back some of what he wanted to give me. I know it's guilt driving this, so the quicker I get an official signature on the docs, the better.

[BeingMe]

So, in the spirit of GALing, I took a kayaking class on Wednesday. Super fun, but I fell out when trying to get out of the kayak. So embarrassing, and also funny at the same time. My balance is not quite right after the radiation on my brain. It's the only real downside I've noticed, and it's so annoying. Luckily, my friend was there to drive my wet, soggy a$$ back home.

Same friend is a fitness nut, so she has volunteered to get me fit and thinner. Threatens to use a whip! She took me for this walk yesterday in a park. It must've been more than an hour, maybe two hours. I lost count ... I was trying to survive. We were walking up and down those wooden stairs you find in parks, through forests along narrow paths, across mounds of rocks and tree roots. We stopped only to see the view a couple of times. My body thinks it's done something wrong, and I'm cross with it. It was ultimately great fun, when it was over.

I've been dreaming a lot about my H this week. Last night I dreamt he made the moves on my niece in front of me and my D19, and all the time he was denying it. My niece wasn't saying anything. It was like she was hypnotized. Then I thought I heard his voice in the house. Weird!

[job]

BeingMe,
I am so glad you took the class. So what if you fell out...it's okay. I understand the balance situation and I think you did well in getting into it. I would have fallen out before I even started the class. My balance isn't the best either.

Sounds like you are going to be busy in the next few months! Your friend is a good influence on you!