I have read many of the postings here and found them to be extremely helpful. I wanted to share my current situation as I am very confused as to what is happening and how I should react. My situation is as follows:
I have known my W for 10 years now and been married for 7. We have two children ages 4 & 2. Over the last couple years our marriage has suffered and looking back now I see how I missed some of my W’s distress signals. I will be the 1st to say that I have not been a perfect H in terms of being affectionate and emotionally supportive. I can be critical at times but I have always had good intentions for my W.
Earlier this year she dropped the ILYBNILWY comment. It was a difficult thing for me to hear but again I went on the offensive to make things better. In June of this year we traveled across the globe for a work related trip with no kids. We felt this would be a great opportunity to work on us. Three days into the trip I made a comment with no malice intended that set her off! (I said something about her being tired with no kids around, no long work commutes etc). When we got back to our hotel room she dropped the D bomb (June 27). She said she had been thinking about it for months now and that this was the final straw. I was completely shocked to hear it. She asked me to go home and I begged and pleaded to stay. In hindsight I should have probably left. Needless to say I spent the rest of the 3 weeks pretty much by myself. She would go out on work outings with colleagues and I would do dinner alone. We did celebrate my bday over dinner one of the nights.
We got back from our trip late on a Saturday and on Sunday morning (July 15)the two of us were having breakfast. She broke down crying and said that she had something to tell me and that I was going to hate her. Right away I knew what it was. She came clean about having PA during the trip. I knew who it was without her having to tell me. I hung out with OM a few times which continues to bother me even today. That day was very emotional for both of us. We could not believe how low we had gotten in our R. She said that she had planned on telling me the R was over and that she wanted the D but then did not want to give up what we had after being in our house as a family.
I can’t explain why but we bonded so closely that first week. I asked her questions about the PA and she answered all of them. She was upset for letting it happen but stated that she thought the R was over. I honestly thought we were going to try to work things out but after the 1st week things took a change. My W started to get more distant with me and saying that she wanted a D. She did not think things would work and could not commit to it not happening again (if the R was in the same situation).
I tried to suggest counseling and signed up for DB. She agreed to participate but has since decided not to. A few weeks ago we met up after work for an outing with friends. On the walk home she said it was not fair to me that she was keeping me in limbo and said that she wanted to D after a trip that we have had planned with friends for months. I supported the decision and the day after started to put together financial statement and analysis of what things would look like for both of us. She then started to take a different stance and said that she was confused and did not know what she wanted. Her next request was to have space. I said I would give her all the time and space she needed and moved out. The only communication we had was when I sent texts to speak to the kids every night. We then decided that I would move back into the house so that I could spend time with the kids and she moved out for a few days. We did this for two weeks. On the day when I was set to move out she sent me a text saying that she missed me and if I wanted to come home to see how things went. She said that she could not promise me anything but that she would take it one day at a time. I agreed. When I got home that day she asked for a hug. I have not kissed or hugged my wife for over a month now. We spent the long weekend together and did things with the kids. She talks about long term plans but just last night she said that she has no expectations for the R and that she has not make up her mind.
I am so confused as I am trying to give her the space she needs but hearing that she is still undecided makes it difficult for me. I have just about stopped all emails, texts, and calls to respect her space. My W is in party mode. She dresses different and has told me that she has put herself in the backburner for years and that it was time to focus on her. Her friends have even noticed that she does not mention me.
I don’t know what to do at this point. I guess the situation is not all that bad as we are back to living under one roof. She talks to me and we laugh at times but there is no speak of R. How long will this last? Friend have been telling me to move out to let her know what it would be like to not have me around (I help the kids get dressed in the morning, I cook dinner everynight after work, I help kids get ready for bed everynight, and I clean the house regularly).
In my heart I want us to work. It is just hard as it feels like I am doing everything and she is doing nothing….any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!
