Wow. Didn't realize that all of us we're having one of those weekends. I feel for you Suppo; and based on me reading your posts thus far, I know you will be able to pick yourself back up. For your kids and for yourself. It seems we all start to do fairly well with how horrible our situations are, and then that darn rollercoaster kicks in and sets us back. We are all humans, and based on what I've been learning, it's to be expected for us to have setbacks. 2 steps forward, 1 back = still moving in the right direction. Hang in there and focuse on what makes you a good person as an individual. I'm doing a self inventory on strengths, so that I can use that to help myself get out of slumps, such as these.
Just take a bit of time to gather your thoughts and have a look at your game plan. It's amazing how having a plan helps. Whenever I feel the blues coming my way, I start thinking about my plan and how I've got to stick with it. It kind of gives me a purpose and something to focus on. Hell it even makes me laugh because every time I'm down, I look at how long I've been on the plan (5 days) and how long I gave myself (730 days) and it puts the whole thing in perspective.
We've not been at this for a long time mates. Look at our mentors/vets' timelines and have a read at where they were at around our time. There is hope my friends. They too had OM in their sitches and they too had a hard time dealing with finding out. It's not an easy thing to do but if you decide that your W is worth it, just accept that it is happening and then forget about it.
"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
First thing you will go through is shock. The symptoms are the same as PTSD. You need to treat yourself as such with it.
Attack the dehydration with a drink of water every hour. Attack the depression with exercise and lots of contact with your children. Remove all alcohol from the house. no alcohol for the next 31 days. Journal to work through revisiting thoughts so you can actually move them along.
The venom from her will come quick and fast. It's purpose is to obfuscate and confuse you. Put you on the defensive and make you feel that it is your fault she is committing adultery. Your only way to fight this is to ignore her venom. And become a rock for yourself then your children. Reassure them with love and words. And let them know that no matter what happens that they are first in your life.
Then you will need to contact the schools to talk to each teacher. And tell them to let you know the moment they start to slip up in school so you can be proactive and deal with that issue.
You will need to teach them about depression and how to overcome it. I would look at your church or any other church in the area that has a divorce care programs for children and family.
Be proactive here with them and you will catch some of this early and you will have a plan in place to deal with their fall out.
They are not only grieving the loss of a family but the fact that their mother is not perfect any more.
I would also recommend that you sit down and talk to your parents and the in-laws and explain that the children know about OM and that you are looking for their support to help you and the children. The visual of an extended family helping out is something that you can use as a point of reference when they are confused.
She will come at you with more venom. So end the conversations. And ignore her.
Then she will switch it up and offer some honey. Your MO should be the same.
Dim ( only engage about children ) 24 hour rule for communications about legal and finances. 36 with the option of ignore on all other communications. Keep all communication in email or text so you can forward to email. Any phone calls. Be a gentleman and end the conversation within 3 minutes. you are busy with life right
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Just caught up on your last few days, and I'm so proud of the way you handled your sitch! It's absolutely brutal to think about, and you handled yourself in a way that most other people couldn't dream of doing... Thanks for providing a roadmap for those of us who've yet to have an encounter with OM!
Once the A with your W was uncovered how was her reaction toward you & kids???
When I confronted her on the EA before she moved out of the home, she denied that it was an EA. She said no such thing as EA. Gave me the 'friends' speech etc. Other than that, it was pure vitriol. But that was basically how she treated me from the point of me confronting her on EA, up and until we began talking again 6 or 7 weeks later.
The PA I didn't learn of until then. And she was just very upfront about it. Calmly and cooly said 'yes' when I asked her about it. Followed by her telling me that I would have to be able to get passed that if we were ever going to have a chance at R.
I don't have kids with my W, so I didn't have to deal with that aspect. Mine was a bit different in that I was dealing with SS who had been introduced to OM as W's friend from the get go.
Originally Posted By: suppo
How did you get through & process the thought???
No easy answer here. I was absolutely miserable at first (with EA first, and then later with PA, and then later with resumed PA). It just takes time for it to settle in as reality. Each 'bomb' got easier to process, but it was never easy. In fact, it still isn't. I still struggle at times when I relive certain things that happened in my head.
I think Chatter said that it is PTSD... That is ABSOLUTELY true.
Originally Posted By: suppo
Kids and I have had a miserable weekend, with last night ending in a huge lashing out at all of us, when she dropped off the kids stuff. Lots of blame, anger, hate words, demeaning comments to kids & straight out hatred stuff that I did when I wasn't at my best a few years ago to the kids in front of me.
I'm not surprised. Again, she is confused. Trying to rationalize her choices. But somewhere in there, she knows that what she is doing is wrong. Not uncommon for it to manifest itself as anger.
Originally Posted By: suppo
I Love her so much & want nothing more for her to come back & us work through this. I know that this will take time (via how long Denver & Starsky spent DBing), especially now that OM is definitely in the picture. But I think my PMA was just shot down over the ocean.
Just work to try and get it back. It is perfectly normal after the weekend that you had. Let yourself feel the pain. I think that it's the only way to heal. But don't let yourself get lost in it. Work on getting that PMA back. It will take some time, but you'll get there.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Kids and I have had a miserable weekend, with last night ending in a huge lashing out at all of us, when she dropped off the kids stuff. Lots of blame, anger, hate words, demeaning comments to kids & straight out hatred stuff that I did when I wasn't at my best a few years ago to the kids in front of me.
I Love her so much & want nothing more for her to come back & us work through this. I know that this will take time (via how long Denver & Starsky spent DBing), especially now that OM is definitely in the picture. But I think my PMA was just shot down over the ocean.
As you've been keeping up with my sitch, you know we've been mirroring one another quite a bit over these last couple weeks, at least when it comes to the lashing out, OM discoveries etc.
Thankfully, we've got so much good help on these boards!
I know exactly how you feel about PMA getting hammered once in a while... But you have to remember (as do I) that it's a very uncomfortable thing for our WAWs to see a PMA from their LBS... It can't feel good for them to know that the emotional turmoil that's brewing just under their surface might not be affecting the LBS quite as much.
Now we all know that it does, but we also know that it's these little shreds of doubt that drive the situation crazy!
It takes a lot of work to keep a PMA, and we're all destined to lose it once in a while. We just need to soldier-on and fight to get it back, because it's the best thing for us. These ups and downs are not only normal, they're a good thing. It lets us know that BOTH parties still care enough...
Thank you so much for chiming in & giving a breath on how to reflect & survive this!
Denver/Freshman,
Again thanks as usual for all insight, it's amazing how well we can view another's sitch, but when it comes to our own we freeze up like deer in the headlights!
Denver/Chatter/All,
I do have too mention that after she left, a few minutes later she texted and stated that: "You need to give me a response on the papers"!
Do you think that was part of the anger?
I know that this would be mind readin, just kind of coincidental that she sent that right after!
Not sure if you remember, but she had papers drafted from L for me to look over, as she stated we would keep this out of court & go the mediation route instead of paying big $$$, which neither of us have & versus dragging kids through things. The papers that were drafted are technically not legal per the court (I called) because it was never filed (which I look at as a blessing). But I have heald onto them per Denver's advice of more time for about a month now.
I know I probably should give them back to her with the changes I have made & see if her L drafts them to what I have written, then revisit them & see if there are any more changes that need to be made & see if she goes along with what I changed. I don't want to be construed as uncooperative, as I don't want her to become more angry or vindictive. But I also don't want to help her or speed this process along, as I still think we will Reconcile with more time.
I am torn on what to do now & did not respond to the text last night, as it really didn't require one.
I have also asked children & sister to not mention A to anyone (they are only ones who know), as I don't want her name dragged through the mud at the school (reputation of being phenominal teacher). Don't want kids telling friends or her co-workers. I don't feel outing the A will do any good & I feel this will keep the road home paved smooth. But this is just my opinion, which I am sticking with. People may already know, as she may have told them, but I still wear my ring & am still her husband.
Take them to your lawyer to go over the original drafts and your revisions.
I would text her back.
Reviewing papers. Will get back to you when done.
I have consulted with an attorney, but don't have the $$ to pay him And she most likely knows this! She doesn't really have the money either, that is why she went this route (I think), because it was like $2,500 cheaper.
Part of me also wants to call this guy or stop by his place of work & let him know how much direspect I have for him for ruining a family. But putting the blame on him would be childish, because he most likely only knows as much as she told him.
Of course after Saturday, he now knows that I am her H, and my children. Of course he wouldn't look at them.
Is there any way for you to come up with the $$? It may cost you more later if you don't protect yourself up front.
As for the D-bag, don't waste your time. He isn't worth it.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
And she most likely knows this! She doesn't really have the money either, that is why she went this route (I think), because it was like $2,500 cheaper.