Hello

[AnotherStander]

I'm new and introducing myself.
I asked my wife to leave Tuesday morning after I discovered evidence of an affair.
I'm reading the Divorce Remedy now and it really does help a lot, my question would be is it a good idea for her to read this book as well? I can get it to her and I know she would probably be receptive to it.

Just to clarify, you kicked her out but you're hoping to reconcile, correct? There are reasons that she engaged in an EA. It's best not to dwell on the EA itself if you want her back, but rather seriously consider the problems she has pointed out in your M and immediately begin to change those aspects of yourself. She will notice the changes although initially she won't acknowledge them because she'll think you're just doing it as an effort to get her back, and that you'll then revert to the same old person that drove her away. You have to make a concerted effort to actually change yourself and not just go through the motions, and these changes must be permanent.

One of my wife's complaints about me is that she feels that she doesn't know much about me. That I never share personal stuff with her like my favorite Christmas or future dreams, childhood memories, things like that.

So essentially not talking to her is what she expects from me, not pursuing her is exactly what she expects. Pursuing her is the exact 180 of that.

Regarding that first thought, opening up to her and letting her get to know you would certainly be in line with DB and is an appropriate 180. She wants to know not just your thoughts but your feelings, so work on that too. Read the "5 Love Languages" if you haven't already, it has some great tips on how to communicate your feelings.

Regarding the 2nd thought, while pursuing may indeed be a 180 for you it's not a good idea at this time. The harder you pursue the more she'll pull away. Concentrate on 180's that don't put any pressure on her.

She and I had a long discussion last night. She was actually driving to her boyfriend's house and I called her on it. We talked, yelled, and argued about it.

No yelling or arguing or deep discussions! That's pressure. Again, DBing is about changing YOU, not HER. Change yourself into a man she can't resist.

I told her I am working hard on being a better husband, I am truly too. My counselor and I are working through my communication problems.

Good, but don't dwell on trying to tell her how much you've changed or what you're changing. Show her, don't tell her. Remember 180 #29:

"29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write."

My wife said that being separated is identical to being married to me, she's alone and not having sex. She said she wants to be desired, talked to, understood, and that I treated her like a piece of furniture or a possession. All true but I didn't realize that was what I was doing.

Count yourself lucky that she's telling you about these things, many women when they get to the WAW stage are done, they won't tell you anything about what brought them to that point. They feel like they've already tried and it's not worth the effort anymore. Whenever she opens up like this then it's a great opportunity to empathize, tell her you understand why she feels that way, that you appreciate her telling you this and you are committed to changing yourself based on her feedback. Then show her the changes as much as you can within the context of a separation.

She said she doesn't feel married to me so why should she care about what I want. She says I'm a great dad and want me involved that way and she wants us to be friendly but she doesn't want to reconcile with me. Our separation will be three weeks tomorrow, Tuesday the 4th of September.

The thing is that I don't know what short term goals apply here. She says she's numb and doesn't feel anything anymore.

Another DB tip is "don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does." She's angry, upset, confused and in turmoil right now. Do not argue with her feelings, just let her express them and empathize with her. And remember this is a marathon and not a sprint, prepare for this to take many months. Read DB and review the "baby steps" info, don't expect a big instant turnaround but rather watch for small signs.

Good luck!