Stronger

[mishka422]

WOW. I wasn't even thinking that my past trauma was a contributing factor in my reactions to Gabe. Could that be true? ICK! I hardly ever consciously think of the rape. That was something I locked away a long time ago, or so I thought. Maybe not as well as I thought I had.

Things with Gabe are ok. No, I'm not completely happy but I'm not completely miserable either. Being in the middle is ok for now. I get really down sometimes and let it fly here so I don't explode but I don't think it's really that bad.

No, we don't talk about our R. We talk about everything else. We laugh together, he holds me, hugs me for no reason, and takes care of us. I really can't ask for anything more than that.

Saturday morning I did nearly blow everything though. We were going to breakfast together. Just us, a rareity. We got in the car and started to drive away and realized the tire went flat. I have been keeping an eye on that tire because it had a slow leak but it went flat overnight so the slow leak obviously turned into a great big one! We got back to the house and he pulled the tire off and we took it to the tire place around the corner. They couldn't even look at it until 4pm. UGH! Well, that made him mad and we drove on up the street where there are two more tire places which he wouldn't stop at. I asked him if he was heading to AutoZone to deal with it there and he said "Does it matter? Why do you need to know?" It was a weird response but I came back with a really boneheaded comment. I told him I needed to know because I was hot and miserable (his car doesn't have AC) and wanted to know how long I could expect to be that way so I could mentally prepare. (I'm a HUGE WUSS!) He got all peeved off and made a U-turn and said, "Forget it! I was just going to go on to breakfast and deal with this afterward but since you are so hot and miserable I'll just take you home." I just kept looking out the window and started crying, trying to stifle it so he wouldn't know but apparently I sniffed a little to hard one time and he realized I was crying. That made him even more mad. He hates it. I never said another word. He kept trying to explain to me why he was taking me home and how he was sorry I was hot and miserable and couldn't handle the heat...blah blah blah. It was too late by then. He went to deal with the tire, I went to the bedroom and laid down and then he left later and didn't say where he was going. When he came back (he went fishing) he hugged me and that was that.

No, not a healthy way of dealing with it but it was over.

Stupid huh?