Divorced #4

[Mrs D]

I'm sorry Mrs D. I hate that you had a backslide, but it happens to most of us at some point. You do realize you pursued 2-3 times between that text/call don't you? You've got to stop that....you really do have to try to let go. Hang in there...

The texts were followups to phone calls he made to me. The last text I sent was me being done. If it was pursuing, it is then. You all know Im not done, right? Im just done trying to put something together that he doesnt want. Im moving on working on myself with the hopes of becoming a better person, and maybe someday - us having a relationship again. But, I am done trying right now.

[Mrs D]

Thanks Labug - thats exactly what I feel like I am doing. I think most of my problem is that I am here. I am making myself a better person. I was the one he wanted to be with for the rest of his life. I cant get it through my head that it doesnt matter what I am doing right now. It really doesnt.

[labug]

It does matter, but your goal is not his goal. Your goal needs to be for you and who you want to be. Until you figure that out, you will continue to be unhappy. You've heard it many times, your changes have to be for you.

And your timeline is getting in the way. A month is nothing.

[Mrs D]

I am making changes for myself. I know that I was unhappy in our relationship because of the things I had done. True, some of the things he had done as well - but thats another discussion. Seems like when I start to feel good about myself, something happens and I have a huge backslide. Then Im right here again. And again. And again.

A month is nothing - but at the same time, its everything. I think Ive made descent progress with myself and my issues. I need to learn patience first and foremost.

[Carnac]

MrsD: Im 3 months into my seperation and while it seems like an eternity to me, its really such a small amount of time for changes to take place.

I know how hard your working, and I've followed you from the start and really see alot of signs that you can turn your ex's heart back to you someday IF you can figure out how to stay out of your own way. Im gonna be honest because I want to see you succeed...but really you've NEVER done NC at all. The most you've ever gone NC is about 4 days. And then not only do you break contact you pursue.

You try to justify your pursuit as things you would have done before and wanting him to see your changes but thats just the thing that is driving him further and further away....and when you drive him away you push him straight toward her. Last week you justified dropping off bagels as 'maybe you were just bringing them to the other guys he works with'....so tell me, how may times have you ever brought bagels to those guys when he wasn't around? You drop hint after hint that you want him....the concert...the kisses on the cheek, etc...i really hate saying this because I don't wanna be part of hurting anyone, but its for your own good.........HE KNOWS HE CAN HAVE YOU ANYTIME HE WANTS YOU AND THATS EXACTLY WHY HE DOESNT WANT YOU.

Im probably going to get myself in trouble here, but ask 90% of the guys in the world whats sexier a woman walking in the room in lingerie or a woman walking in the room in nothing.....the answer for most men is the woman in lingerie because there's some mystery there. Its like going to dinner with your wife and finding out she's not wearing anything under her skirt....its sexy...but if she comes home from work and you find out she didnt wear anything under her skirt its not sexy at all its worrisome. I dont know if those analogies make any sense, but the point is your not making him pursue at all because your standing there offering yourself to him for nothing in return and by doing that your certainly setting yourself up to be hurt and hurt badly.

And finally you always TELL him how much you've changed....but that simply doesn't work. You have to SHOW him how you've changed through actions and yes it is going to take time for him to notice, but at some point he will notice.

Everyone makes mistakes, some more some less....but I know how badly you want this and i've seen a few signs that tell me you might be able to get what you want if you could simply figure out how to get out of your own way. Give NC enough time to work....let him go and see what happens....worse case is he doesn't come back...but really he's not there now right? So you have nothing to lose by trying.

I know it hurts and im praying for you but its only going to get worse im afraid if you keep doing what you've been doing. If something is working we keep doing it.....if something is not working (and clearly what you've been doing isn't working right?) then we change.

[Mrs D]

Carnac - you all are so right. I guess I thought the little things that I was doing were working to be honest. I would usually get a good reaction from those things. I do know I cant continue to do those things - because those things and the little bit of reaction that I am getting is driving me insane. I hate playing games. And this is what it feels as if Im doing.

I am in NC today. I was as soon as I sent that last text to him. I also know the comment to him that I was going to laugh when they failed didnt make him happy either. I cant take it back. It was very unlike the person that I am. ALL of this is unlike me. I am not the jealous, insecure person that I am portraying right now. I never have been. So why now? I wish I could be happy for him - I really do. But its hard to be happy for something that you want to be a part of.

I will take your advise to heart. And Im sure Ive said that before, but I really feel as if Im done chasing this time. Done.

[Carnac]

MrsD: Good for you....get right back up, dust yourself off and start moving forward. I agree with you on the jealous and insecure thing....When I was younger in college etc I would go so far the other way it was almost to the point of arrogance....i used to tell girls if they wanted someone else feel free to just leave because I can find another in no time. I certainly don't wanna be that guy again, but the insecure scared little boy i've been lately isn't cool at all.

[MrBond]

"Just when I think I am doing better - he does something that brings me right back here."

No. YOU're interpreting into what you want. All he's doing is being a nice guy, which for the most part he has been this whole time even during your A.

"I cant do anything more for him. As much as I want to, I cant."

And you shouldn't.

"Last week, KD thought as I did, that the little things that I was doing here and there were good things."

Yes they were good things. Most situations will have positives come up and not be all negative.

"they played with my emotions."

Again because of YOUR interpretation of what YOU want. You have to start thinking about what HE wants.

"i feel as if I have to NC to get back to start again. Does that make sense?"

Perfect sense. It happens. That's why you have to essentially release YOUR hold on him and rely on faith and hope. Will he come back? No one knows not even himself, but he won't be able to learn what he really wants unless you unchain him.

[Carnac]

MrsD: I agree with Bond....can't tell you how to do it because I haven't gotten there yet, but I know its what has to be done.

I also wanted to tell you that i applaud you. You have good days and bad and get down on yourself at times, and at times i've been hard on you as well, but the truth is you are willing to still stand for your marriage even though you are divorced and your husband has a girlfriend and that is an admirable trait in this society we currently live in.

Even if the reasons for your divorce were because of your own mistakes you've been willing to own those mistakes admit your flaws and work toward becoming a better person. You should be proud!

[Mrs D]

MrsD: Good for you....get right back up, dust yourself off and start moving forward. I agree with you on the jealous and insecure thing....When I was younger in college etc I would go so far the other way it was almost to the point of arrogance....i used to tell girls if they wanted someone else feel free to just leave because I can find another in no time. I certainly don't wanna be that guy again, but the insecure scared little boy i've been lately isn't cool at all.

I agree. I dont like this feeling at all either. And I feel real anxious today as well. I really wish I was able to get out of that funk I was doing through the weekend. I feel it had some to do what all went down last night as well. Im just so over feeling like this. Hope your day is going well.