Breakdown, I have read some of your sitch now. Wow. Talk about a roller coaster. You are a good man for sticking with it.
Thanks Regret. I certainly hope my W eventually agrees with you
Originally Posted By: RegretfulLA
The difference between my H and you is that he is not aware of any of these things, nor is he invested at all (at this point) in working on our M. He hasn't read one book and his IC doesn't seem to be helping him much. He is still all worked up about my prior misbehavior (sexting), for which I have apologized profusely, but hasn't seen that HIS behavior contributed. How were you able to get to the point where you could look inside and admit that you were partially to blame? How did you get over the anger you have towards your W?
These are tough questions, and it hurts my heart to think that someone else has a situation so similar.
What you describe reminds me a lot of when I discovered my W's sexting thing 5-6 years ago. I wasn't ready to accept any responsibility, only blame her...question her as to how she could do such a thing to our family. How could she be so weak with so much on the line? Had our values we'd shared for 20+ years changed so drastically? What was she teaching our children?
Looking back, that was my first big opportunity to change my behavior, to address my own brokenness. But I missed out on it. My W apologized over and over, she explained in as "exciting." I think the only thing I took on as my own at that point was maybe I wasn't paying enough attention to her. Unfortunately, for an insecure person, that isn't always a good thing to try to fix.
For me, I think I started really thinking about who I was and who I wanted to be about 6 months before the bomb. I started reading "A Journey Called You" and started thinking about a lot of things, but it was a very slow process at that point. What made me start thinking that? I don't honestly know. Maybe my age, maybe I just got tired of being unhappy, maybe I was bored, maybe it was my uncle dying, I really don't know.
After W dropped the B, my thoughts went into high gear. I dug into it like there was no tomorrow because based on my childhood, divorce was not something I wanted for my children, and I really do love this woman with all my heart.
As for the anger, about a year ago, I pulled my W aside one day and said "I know you may not need to hear this, but I need to say it....I forgive you. I forgive you for all of it...for the teenage hurts, for the time we were apart, for the texting thing, for all of it." I really did forgive her, and the anger slid away. The thing was though, I had so many hurt feelings and so much resentment from my childhood, I had to forgive my parents too. I had to forgive myself for how I had treated W and kids.
I also allowed God to play a bigger part in my life and that has helped immensely. The idea that he puts obstacles in front of us to drive change really helps me deal with my problems, and work thru them.
Originally Posted By: RegretfulLA
What could I do or say to my H that would help him come around a bit? I am behaving much differently than your W in that I am totally kissing my H's butt. I could stand up to him but he's a lot angrier than you are and I think I need to back down as a 180.
I really struggle to answer this one, as my W asks me once in a while something similar. She is always trying to figure out what she could have done along the way to make me "get it." She sometimes is mad at herself because she thinks if she would have asked for D after our first 5 years, maybe I would have fixed myself then and we'd have 10 good years under our belt now. My response to that is "I wasn't ready, so I'd have probably told you to go ahead and go....I always figured you'd leave anyway." She hates this answer, but I think it's important for her to understand she couldn't force this change....I had to want it.
On the other hand, I have a similar issue with my W, as she is really bent on blaming me for everything bad in our M. She refuses to accept any responsibility for her own negative behaviors. When she admits that something was wrong, she pushes it back on me....I forced her to do that, I mistreated her so what was she supposed to do, etc etc.
So I guess I'd say, you can't force it....they have to want to change, they have to want to listen, to understand. You have to be patient and wait for them to come around.
I will say though, I wouldn't continue to kiss your H's butt though. You apologized...it is up to him to forgive. If he's like me, that's going to be difficult, especially the first time. What you can do is stand your ground. Don't let him continue to have all the power by blaming you for everything. That just allows him to avoid his own issues.
If you are able to have calm discussions about serious topics, I think over time, you could get there kinda how Mach1 helped me break down some of my own walls. Ask deep questions, and explain your own feelings. The fact that you had an EA is just the first layer of the onion....why did you? What were you feeling? What did it give you your H didn't? Has it always been like this? Did you try to change your H? Did you try to make you H happy and eventually give up? (that one was true for my W)
