"I'm curious, are you dating and with anyone? I don’t know why but I'm curious and I guess you would have my blessing"
WTF! No, I am not dating anyone. Yeah, when I dropped the kids off tonight I was dressed up and I acted like I was in a hurry. I kind of have that style a lot when I drop off the kids. Its almost standard operating procedure for me, if I stick around and chit chat to much, it just gets me down afterword’s. I was taught it’s a good idea to dress nice and be the first to end the conversation. See, I think I am learning.
Is the text worth a response? It sounds like she’s trying to drag me into a relationship talk? Respond or ignore? Any guidance?
I struggled with this question. I answered it very vaguely, but got hit pretty hard by the vets that were following my sitch. My way got my W p!ssed at me. But I also think that it got her thinking.
However, I suppose that my advice would still be to just be honest. "No. I am not dating anyone right now.".
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Yeah, I would definitely put the "right now" or "for the time being" / "for now" somewhere in there. Keep her thinking.
I was quite upfront about it with my W and told her that I needed the time to work on myself and that dating at this time would interfere with that. I told her that for now, I needed to be on my own.
Of course, I got a bit of hell on this from some folks around here because they saw right through me and knew I was trying to make W feel guilty with this statement.
However, I'm actually wondering if it does require an answer. In my case it was done in person and I hadn't had much time to think about it but for you? Let it sit for a while. See if she pushes for more.
I also wonder why they ask. If they really want to leave why should they care? My wife used to encourage me to see other people (2 years ago, when I found out about the EA)or even recently, telling me that so and so would be a good match for me. She'd say it would make me feel better. I told her then, and now that no, it was to make HER feel better. Maybe that is what it is. They feel guilty and want to know that we are also messing up things.
Imagine how it must feel to carry all the guilt on your shoulders (W has told me that everyone thinks she's the "baddy"). Here you've demonized your S to justify your lack of strength and the fact that you've given up on something which was to last "until death do us part" and the person you left suddenly transformed into "prince charming". It must be very confusing for them.
The old sins they've dug up don't stick anymore so it's time to try to attach new ones to us so they can go on and happily do what they want in the knowledge that we deserve what ever we get.
Does that make sense? It might just be that they want to check the waters, see if we are still available, see if they've pushed us too far, beyond the point of no return.
They are WAS!! By definition, they don't make sense, do they?
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I also wonder why they ask. If they really want to leave why should they care? My wife used to encourage me to see other people (2 years ago, when I found out about the EA)or even recently, telling me that so and so would be a good match for me. She'd say it would make me feel better. I told her then, and now that no, it was to make HER feel better. Maybe that is what it is. They feel guilty and want to know that we are also messing up things.
This is so similair to my W after discovering her affair, you're absolutely spot on about why they do this & on every level it is only serving their needs, no matter how they would like us to perceive it.
It does all of the below...
1. A self serving way to justify their own actions and feel less guilty.
2. A temperature check to make sure we are still their plan B.
3. A power trip - because they are convinced that in their current state of mind they are 'done' or 'checked out', they can be-little the situation and your vows.
4. An opportunity for them to play mind games - who do they think they are recommending potential love interests for us? I don't ever remember my W saying, 'I'm thinking about having an affair, what do you think of this guy from work'? - It doesn't work, because it's wrong no matter how they justify it.
5. Finally on it's most basic kindergarten level, 'I did something bad to you, you need to get me back'.
Maybe you were a little too honest in your answers, but yeah I'd have said 'right now' because you aren't lying and it makes it less clear that you are just waiting for the WAS to wake up.
I think regardless of how much work we do on ourselves, it all comes down to time if the sitch doesn't move on. Everyone's timeframe is different and sometimes like Denver did you go 'all in' when you feel like your done / ready to move on to the next chapter in your life. It doesn't always save your marraige but it definitely saves yourself.
Hang in there Arsene I'm on a similar road to you - we'll get there when we get there.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
Just to let you know, that what you're doing isn't LRT and you aren't necessarily following the LRT.
What you are doing is essentially being a "friend" to W. You don't want to be in the friend-zone. You want to be her lover. You're going to have to figure out how to fire those impulses in her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks everyone- After reading your posts and thinking about her text, she “might” be feeling guilty about something she’s done and that’s why she’s asking me this question. Once again, here’s her text. I think I am going to respond in a while with a response very similar to what Denver suggested.
"I'm curious, are you dating and with anyone? I don't know why but I'm curius and I guess you would have my blessing."
This is not my thread but I feel like the comment above refers to me (Rough doesn't sound like he's in the friend-zone). Is that so?
If yes, come over to my thread so I can ask for clarifications.
Thanks Bond
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I guess you would have my blessing??? What a mind fu!ck. It's such a stupid sentence, but whatever. Why do you ask?
Yeah, W told me something like this as well. I often wonder if she really means it or if it's just some kind of "reverse psychology" statement. If we know we can, we're less likely to go for the forbidden fruit, right (it wouldn't be forbidden anymore).
I remember two years ago, just after I found out about her EA and we were working on rebuilding our relationship. It was still a rocky roller-coaster mindF@ck when we were good for a few days and threatening to leave each other for a few days. I was waiting for her outside a bar where she sang and a prostitute approached me. I kindly told her I was waiting for my wife and she commented on how lucky my W was and she stopped putting the moves on me and just started chatting (I am a foreigner and people are always curious about me). My W came out of the bar, saw the girl, walked straight to her and physically (an violently)pushed her away telling her to stay the F@ck away from her husband. The prostitute simply walked away. I was shocked. I didn't comment.
I don't know now, though. We have been separated for 3 months and she seems to be doing well with OM. Would she still feel the same way?
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Thanks Arsene and I also want to thank Denver. I appreciate your guidance with the “one liner” that I texted W. I told her, “no, I am not in a relationship right now”. I didn’t receive a response back from her but I don’t really care. I am just glad I was given the guidance, it helped a lot. My W has a masters in psychology but she’s never been one to use much of this psych babble.
Our daughter’s birthday is just around the corner. I will be seeing a lot of my in laws and W’s friends for the first time in months and I am not sure the right way to act. I know they will be asking me how I am doing. I am good at flipping the conversation around and focusing on them which I feel is a good approach. My gut tells me to act like everything is ok. It’s a song and dance.
Here’s my game plan. From others perspectives, please let me know if I am on track. I am going to dress nice, smile, be friendly and focus on daughter. When there’s chit chat going on, I will give the impression things are ok on my end. I don’t want to send the message that, “things are great” at the same time I don’t want to send a message that “I am in the dumps”. I would appreciate opinions from any of you. _________________________________ Freshman class of 2012 Me(M):38 W:43 Together: 14 Married: 11 D: 4 S:8 W wanted separation 5/5/12 Stopped living together 5/5/12
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”. Thomas Jefferson
