Now separated. Am I doing the right things? Pt 2

[breakdownbill]

I also wonder why they ask. If they really want to leave why should they care? My wife used to encourage me to see other people (2 years ago, when I found out about the EA)or even recently, telling me that so and so would be a good match for me. She'd say it would make me feel better. I told her then, and now that no, it was to make HER feel better. Maybe that is what it is. They feel guilty and want to know that we are also messing up things.

This is so similair to my W after discovering her affair, you're absolutely spot on about why they do this & on every level it is only serving their needs, no matter how they would like us to perceive it.

It does all of the below...

1. A self serving way to justify their own actions and feel less guilty.

2. A temperature check to make sure we are still their plan B.

3. A power trip - because they are convinced that in their current state of mind they are 'done' or 'checked out', they can be-little the situation and your vows.

4. An opportunity for them to play mind games - who do they think they are recommending potential love interests for us? I don't ever remember my W saying, 'I'm thinking about having an affair, what do you think of this guy from work'? - It doesn't work, because it's wrong no matter how they justify it.

5. Finally on it's most basic kindergarten level, 'I did something bad to you, you need to get me back'.

Maybe you were a little too honest in your answers, but yeah I'd have said 'right now' because you aren't lying and it makes it less clear that you are just waiting for the WAS to wake up.

I think regardless of how much work we do on ourselves, it all comes down to time if the sitch doesn't move on. Everyone's timeframe is different and sometimes like Denver did you go 'all in' when you feel like your done / ready to move on to the next chapter in your life. It doesn't always save your marraige but it definitely saves yourself.

Hang in there Arsene I'm on a similar road to you - we'll get there when we get there.

Bill