Why I let it continue... I had hope and faith in that he would 'see' what I saw - because in the past, he eventually came around (but did he?). I never thought of divorce actually until he brought it up. I don't know why. I guess I always thought of 'us together forever' and working through any issue no matter what because it made more sense to me to tackle a problem. But I didn't see it as the problem was within him.
I am going to sidetrack here. One thing that I am seeing as a theme is that I will 'protect' others from my H's behavior. His crazymaker, his moods... Why should I be the one who bears that burden? I am taking a huge step back here as you will read below and not rescuing other people. But I see I need to commit to rescuing myself too.
Moving was dependent on selling the house - which hasn't sold or had any other offers. I met with a second agent yesterday and found out some very helpful information. I am firing my agent tomorrow and hiring a new one. H and I talked about that today.
Just journaling here: I should have set up the S going to H's house boundary earlier! (it appeared that he used the furniture as an excuse). S hated it over there - no toys, no furniture, no tv, nothing to do. And boy - did H hear about it from S!
I will say now, he is involved with one heck of a woman.
She is trashing me, calling me crazy, then at the same time writing passive aggressive things so I see it. Then posting some of his blog entries so she can 'connect' with him (again so I see it), and writing comments like "it's better to wait for something that you want, then to regret not doing it". Fun! I've since blocked her - but he also sees a copy so at least I'm not 'making it up'. There's some drama going on for her (it's always one-sided, he doesn't respond to emails often) as she is going on and my junk mail is getting bigger each time I look at the count (not reading it not reading it). Two I read before I blocked it was something about how he is hot/cold. Then later she tried to talk to him tonight on phone (after of course she couldn't reach him ALL day today (yeah.... he is with his son!), he didn't want to talk and "she doesn't get it and is confused." (Yeah - honey...no sympathy, no words from me here - call ME crazy?! Talk to him.)
With the first contacts from her, I had what I will call a final rise from me - and I stopped mid sentence and said "wow, you both got what you want. You got a rise and she got the satisfaction of knowing that I am pissed and that I know about her. I don't HAVE to have this in my life - it's drama and I don't need it and it blocks my nice life I'm setting up for MYSELF and our son. Have at it." He went silent. I didn't talk to him for 1.5 days until today when he called. I said I was finally ready to let him go. He deserves to be happy and if that's the type of life he wants, I'm not stepping in his way. I deserve to be happy and I can't spend the rest of my life with women coming in and out like that and that means he will accept that I won't be a part in his life anymore except to email him only about S's school stuff if I have to. I've got my goals now and they don't involve him anymore.
I am complying with what a court would say for custody. He got S on Fri/Sat,. In the conversation today, he said the only time I was "crazy" was when he lied and continued to lie when evidence pointed otherwise and calling me crazy deflected that from him. Wow. an admission. Finally.
But onto things I'm more thinking about now (which isn't H, I promise!)
Tomorrow S starts school. I am nervous! It's the first time in 5 years that I will be on a 'schedule' that I can't mess up (or I make him late for school). And the first time I will be apart from him eek! I might cry!
My GOALS: I redefined them over the weekend after getting fun fun fun emails from the chick. While I loved my husband - I don't like the crazymaker part. It's too distracting and focuses me on him (I do see this and am constantly working on that).
My goals are to get S to school on time, get my work under control get my behind running more and working out (Running outdoors is going to be more difficult as I'm living like a single parent 95% of the week now) Sort of long-term: I have my finances going well. I'm proud of that. I am making headway now.
Me& h + S M: 13 t: 14
H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my! I'm done. 12/12
"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
