I wonder if worry about the A is such a bad thing. I mean if they are having an A it does not mean much- only that they are not working on themselves like they should and are not very confident in their own sitch. The chance of the A moving into any thing else is very rare usually burns out in 6 months. I say that but I am in the same boat and do not always feel this way. I feel that if she is in an A that that will only make things last a lot longer because she is not working on herself and GAL. I think if you are not strong enough to handle it yet it is best to brush it under the table for now but you will have to adress it sooner than you think.. as it will keep coming up in your thoughts.
You said that in the initial months of your separation that it probably worked to your benefit not knowing about the A. Once again, I 100% agree with you, I feel the same. I don’t know if having a confirmation of an A would change what I am doing, it’s too hard for me to tell because I haven’t been through it, so I just don’t know. Yes, the pain of such information would be VERY hard. You said it’s the hardest thing you dealt with. I can’t even imagine Denver, unless I go through it. There’s a decent chance that I will eventually have to go through that unimaginable and brutal realization.
Yeah, I agree. At BD, W told me she couldn't be with any other man. She just needed to be alone. I believed her and I have to say it did help me get used to the idea of us being separated. By the time she told me about OM, I'd hardened a bit and managed to take it reasonably well. Don't take me wrong. Living everyday with this in my life is really the toughest thing I have ever done. There is not a day when it doesn't tear my heart apart and when I don't feel physical pain about it. Thankfully, I've since learned to deal with these thoughts and it does get a bit easier in the end, until the next sign that W is or is going to be with him. Then it starts all over again. It's tough but watching my family falling apart isn't a walk in the park either so we do what we have to do to save our families, marriages and selves.
Good luck to you mate!
Rah, Rah, Rah, class of 2012!!!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I am in writing mode right now. I always thank everyone for their help. I hope my consistent ‘thank you’s” don’t get diluted because I am saying them with all sincerity. It’s unique confiding in people I’ve never met before however I trust you guys and I value you input and opinions more than an IC. While IC’s have there value, I believe MWD addresses the differences in DR, upon reflection, so true!!!!
While I still question my judgment (which is a good thing). I am in good hands on this board, no doubt! You guys keep me in check. Denver, you have a “no brass tax” approach which helps my sanity. IMO, I feel there’s a high probability my W has been with OM since our separation however I am getting the feeling it doesn’t change much in regards to how I handle my sitch. Arsene even asked the other day if he should do something different if there’s OM. My W left me, that’s a fact. She lost respect for me and she also feels I do not financially support our family. My W didn’t have her needs met and neither did I.
I feel I should take a very similar approach as most others on this board regardless of OM or not. From my perspective, my W “might” want to come back however I feel I take the same approach as if there’s OM, it helps me detach.
Denver, you recently commented on my thread that finances are” things that are handled as a couple”. While I agree, I don’t want to talk about this too much because it will cause me to focus on W’s shortcomings. My W is super passive aggressive. She was raised by a father who was the 100% breadwinner. My FIL put 4 kids through college, my MIL hasn’t worked a day in her life, while some women think this is the glamorous life, I call BS in a heartbeat. It doesn’t make for a happier W. Women that are stay at home moms don’t work for an employer, they take care of the kids, which is a huge job! But SOME women think they will have utter happiness if they have “this lifestyle”, Absolute BS from what I have seen.
Ok, I should take other people out of this but this is how MY W views happiness, in a sick kind of way. Finances aren’t a two way street with my W. I truly feel she thinks the husband should take care of finances, it’s all my W knows, its in her upbringing.
Yes, I want to make the CMB, cash money brotha! I enjoy the nice lifestyle. I am not one to just settle, I am not an underachiever, I am not someone that wants to “just get buy”. I hope you can understand that I am not a slacker!.
Here’s the bottom line, women want to feel safe. They want to know things are taken care of. They don’t want their life to be nonstop financial stress, they want to feel comfortable.
It’s more than “just the money”. It’s what’s behind the money, the safety and security they feel. I am finally coming to understand this realization. (Acc, you helped me with that!) I am also the 5 LL will ingrain that in my brain even more.
Just a little venting, I still love my W like no other! Even though I am complaining, I want my family back. This is all a somewhat mute point; I guess I can address it more if I ever make it to the piecing forum. Thoughts?
Suppo, I feel for you man!!!I don’t want to discount anyone, because this is tough on ALL our kids. I am so sorry your kids have had to deal with the confusion, , I am sincerely sorry!
What a complete different mindsets W and I have, she calls and leaves me a vm saying our daughter is not listening to her. W wants me to call her back so I can talk to D that’s almost 5 and discipline her over the phone because she’s not listening to W. This is right after W had a 4 day break without the kids. If role’s were reversed, I would never do that, what a joke.
She doesn’t even realize (or cares) how unattractive she sounds. W’s hurting; she’s having a tough time. But, come on! I didn’t reply to vm. W initiates contact 95% of the time, I respond about 60% of the time, mainly if it’s kid related but this doesn’t apply. I’ve talked to the kids a lot over the last couple days about proper behavior. I can try to teach them right from wrong when I am around them. When W has them, that’s her choice.
I am in writing mode right now. I always thank everyone for their help. I hope my consistent ‘thank you’s” don’t get diluted because I am saying them with all sincerity. It’s unique confiding in people I’ve never met before however I trust you guys and I value you input and opinions more than an IC. While IC’s have there value, I believe MWD addresses the differences in DR, upon reflection, so true!!!!
While I still question my judgment (which is a good thing). I am in good hands on this board, no doubt! You guys keep me in check. Denver, you have a “no brass tax” approach which helps my sanity. IMO, I feel there’s a high probability my W has been with OM since our separation however I am getting the feeling it doesn’t change much in regards to how I handle my sitch. Arsene even asked the other day if he should do something different if there’s OM. My W left me, that’s a fact. She lost respect for me and she also feels I do not financially support our family. My W didn’t have her needs met and neither did I.
I feel I should take a very similar approach as most others on this board regardless of OM or not. From my perspective, my W “might” want to come back however I feel I take the same approach as if there’s OM, it helps me detach.
Denver, you recently commented on my thread that finances are” things that are handled as a couple”. While I agree, I don’t want to talk about this too much because it will cause me to focus on W’s shortcomings. My W is super passive aggressive. She was raised by a father who was the 100% breadwinner. My FIL put 4 kids through college, my MIL hasn’t worked a day in her life, while some women think this is the glamorous life, I call BS in a heartbeat. It doesn’t make for a happier W. Women that are stay at home moms don’t work for an employer, they take care of the kids, which is a huge job! But SOME women think they will have utter happiness if they have “this lifestyle”, Absolute BS from what I have seen.
Ok, I should take other people out of this but this is how MY W views happiness, in a sick kind of way. Finances aren’t a two way street with my W. I truly feel she thinks the husband should take care of finances, it’s all my W knows, its in her upbringing.
Yes, I want to make the CMB, cash money brotha! I enjoy the nice lifestyle. I am not one to just settle, I am not an underachiever, I am not someone that wants to “just get buy”. I hope you can understand that I am not a slacker!.
Here’s the bottom line, women want to feel safe. They want to know things are taken care of. They don’t want their life to be nonstop financial stress, they want to feel comfortable.
It’s more than “just the money”. It’s what’s behind the money, the safety and security they feel. I am finally coming to understand this realization. (Acc, you helped me with that!) I am also the 5 LL will ingrain that in my brain even more.
Just a little venting, I still love my W like no other! Even though I am complaining, I want my family back. This is all a somewhat mute point; I guess I can address it more if I ever make it to the piecing forum. Thoughts?
Women do want security... both, emotional and financial. Definitely true.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
At least I have my damn labrador! He doesnt fu!ck with me, nothing but love.
Ahhh, yes. Dogs are the best. Nothing but loyalty there, Rough!
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
You seem to be in the right mind set mate. You didn't tell us how you handled the "junk food" issue with your W. did you ever address that? (at least I think it was you!!! )
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Arsene, I figured that I can’t do anything in regards to how W feeds the kids, I can only control what I feed them and do my best to instill good eating habits when I have them. I just got a wild text from W that I need to share.
"I'm curious, are you dating and with anyone? I don’t know why but I'm curious and I guess you would have my blessing"
WTF! No, I am not dating anyone. Yeah, when I dropped the kids off tonight I was dressed up and I acted like I was in a hurry. I kind of have that style a lot when I drop off the kids. Its almost standard operating procedure for me, if I stick around and chit chat to much, it just gets me down afterword’s. I was taught it’s a good idea to dress nice and be the first to end the conversation. See, I think I am learning.
Is the text worth a response? It sounds like she’s trying to drag me into a relationship talk? Respond or ignore? Any guidance?
)