The strange thing about all this is that he barely talks to me in person but in tm he jokes a bit...today he gave me a ride to the mall and it was a quiet ride he told me how busy he was @ work and he called inquiring an apartment but he said "just to see if he can afford it". Then when we arrived at the mall he reached for me to hug him, I did. Then I told him thanks for the ride and he said " see you tomorrow". When he left, I ran into the ladies washroom and cried. I cried because I can't even kiss my own husband and tell him that I love him.
The strange thing about all this is that he barely talks to me in person but in tm he jokes a bit.
This may be signally something about where he feel safe. I'm guessing here but maybe there is safety for him to joke via the tm and for whatever reason, he feel less safe when facing you. I could be wrong, but can you think of anything that would make him feel less safe around you in person? If you can, then you've got an opportunity to try and change that so he can feel safe again. Its a slow process but it can happen.
Originally Posted By: Amelie7
I cried because I can't even kiss my own husband and tell him that I love him.
Can you not kiss him because of your own feelings of not wanting to, or do you feel like it is not allowed? If its your feelings, what are they, pain, hurt, rejection, anger? Dig into what you're feeling so you can address it. Its hard, but helpful.
Originally Posted By: Amelie7
All I want from his relationship is to stay married, have my best friend back, communicate, laugh, cry together...
Boy, do I get this... my W has been in the house throughout our sitch (minus a couple very long summer trips) but we've still not really enjoyed our time togeher, but "functioned" as needed. Its so much less than what a M should be. Its on the upswing though and we have made choices to focus on it, spend time together and get professional help from a counselor.
You can rebuild. It is possible to create an even better friendship than what you had. Most studies will say that marriages who make it through these tough times are even stronger than before. But its going to probably be one of the toughest things you've ever done in your life.
Hang in there.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Ces67: I guess he feels that I might negatively react about his comments or silly jokes? He barely makes eye contact with me and when he does it's very brief...about me crying because I couldn't kiss him and tell him that I love him, I'm trying so hard to act as if I'm moving on without him and detaching that it kills me inside. I've been reading "Depression Fallout" and oh boy the symptoms and the stories hit me like a ton of bricks! I didn't even noticed he suffered from that and what I don't like about the book is that most couples actually divorced their spouses and that in some cases reconciliation takes very loooong time...
On Friday H came over in the evening dropped the money for the little one and played with him for a bit then left, called me an hour later to let me know he was going to see our son Saturday afternoon. Well things got pretty interesting on Saturday morning...I was doing some chores and it was around 815 am when he came home! I was very surprised, because usually H comes over in the afternoons or evenings. Our son was in the living room playing with his toys, H held him close to him and cried. H looked very distressed. I was in the kitchen moping and I could hear him bawling and saying"I miss you potato head". Then he told my mom that he wanted to talk to me. I went in the living room, sat down on the couch and we talked...and oh boy we talked. He let it all out.
H: Amelie, I'm so sorry for all the things I did to you. I'm a horrible human being...I want you to know before you found out from other people that...yes, I got involved a month ago with another woman and this woman has a serious drug problem, I even tried drugs with her and partied with her. ( I felt as if someone just punched my belly right there). A week ago I broke it off with her because I realized that she has a serious problem.
Me: (listening keeping my cool and holding my tears back)
H: I was spending all my money on booze "and blow". I am extremely depressed, I need help. I cant stay another day at my friend's place because they are all into that lifestyle. I feel so bad for them because they are all good people and they are slowly killing themselves. I feel even sorry for the woman I got involved with because she has a kid and she's messed up.
Me:(still listening...and thinking "WTF?!! He got involved with another woman and to boot he's now a depressed alcoholic and tried drugs?!")
H: Amelie, we were drinking and doing "blow" until 6am this morning, She wanted to buy more with my buddies. I looked at the picture and I told myself "wth am I doing in here?" So I left her place and when I was crossing the street, a car hit me. I jumped right on the windshield. The driver stopped and got off the car to see if I was ok, he was scared so was I. I told him I was ok and he even gave me his number. I have bruises but nothing is broken. After that incident I decided to come here and hug my son, because my life flashed right there before my eyes when I got hit by the car. Amelie, I'm so sorry, I think I'm still high on that sh*t, I need to sleep, I haven't slept in days.
Me: Ok first things first, how many times a week were you doing that sh*t?
H: Only on the weekends sometimes 3 times, we'd spend almost 3 g's on that...I was destroying myself, I'm a piece of sh*t...
Me: You need help, professional help. Because do you want our son to grow up and know that his dad is a drug addict?
H: I know I need help, and I don't want my potato head to know I'm like this
Me: I'm going to admit this has been like a punch in the gut. I knew you had a problem with booze but now you are doing that crap...
H: Please, help me (starts to sob)
Me: Ok, I'm gonna help you, you look like you need to sleep, go upstairs take a shower and sleep.
H slept until the next day, around 9 am he woke up and he said he was going to pick up his clothes from his friends' place. Two hours later he came back home with all his clothes. The thing that bothers me now is that he still tm that woman with the serious drug problem, last night he spent tm her. I asked him calmly "who are you tm a lot?" he said :" I'm tm her , because I want her to seek help". He says he feels sorry for her, but he doesn't feel anything towards her. That I shouldn't be worried in my head:(Ok you come back home and you are still keeping in touch with that woman!). He slept on the couch but came into my bed this morning (I was sleeping with the little one, because my son got used to sleep with me). H is still sleeping on my bed, guys this whole situation has being too much for me to take. I'm going for a run now, because I need to clear my head and think what am I gonna do next.
Good job keeping your cool. Serious boundaries are required. Two thoughts come to mind: 1. All contact with OW and the others MUST STOP, and 2. He MUST deal with his drug use and the things that drove him to it. He MUST do this work on his own. You can support him but that's it.
This must happen before you even consider reconciliation. Otherwise a backslide is highly likely.
As a user and possibly an addict he could very easily be svcked back in. He might even have something cooking with OW now. He must prove himself to earn your trust. Because there are serious drugs involved, until he proves himself it would be unwise to trust him.
So what do these boundaries look like to you?
The vets will no doubt have much more to say. You've done well. Good luck.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
An hour ago I had a talk with H, I was in the kitchen fixing lunch for my son, when H hugged me from behind and gave me a kiss on my shoulder. I turned around and I asked him oif he was ok..
H: I'm ok, I just feel strange coming back here, it's quiet.
Me: I understand that you might got used to the party life but here at least you won't have to touch that stuff.
H: I know...
Me: Tomorrow I'm calling the rehab center to get an appointment for the both of us, because you need help and I need to understand all this.
H: I know, I messed up...
Me: Also I would really appreciate your tm with that woman
H: (defensive tone) Well I didn't come back to be pressured, she's my friend. It kills me to see her wasting her life away! If you think things cannot work out between us, I'm gonna leave, get fcked up and dissapear
Me: Listen I'm gonna go for a walk with the little we'll talk about this later ok?
H: ok
I left for a walk with my son inside his stroller I've been reading a lot about cocaine "crashing" effects and H's having them.I'm so overwhelmed guys, I cannot trust him yet. I feel as ifhe came back just to stay then leave with this OW. I feel hurt, disgusted and angry at him, he tried to kiss me yesterday and I couldn't kiss him, I hug him instead. I treat him like a friend for now.
