Divorced #4

[Carnac]

MrsD: Go on with your day. You've got a cell phone and if and when he decides he wants your son you can tell him where you are and he can decide to come get him or not. Your only a doormat if you sit around waiting on him to call so you can do whatever it is you were planning to do with your day.

This is a chance to GAL and he'll see it and it will show him your not just willing to sit around waiting on his call.....go...go now, go do something, anything...either what you already had planned or something fun for you and your son but don't wait another second go now.

[Breakdown]

Mrs D and Regret, there is some parallel between our stories, but my W was the one to have multiple EAs (including the sexting thing) and I was the one to be the ass!ole that in a way, drove her to that type of behavior.

It was probably 6 years ago I discovered my W's sexting, and she immediately broke it off and felt embarrassed and terrible about it. Fast forward a few years and she avoided sexting, but slipped back into an inappropriate relationship, which has continued up until recently (I'm not ready to say it's over, because they are still in contact).

The point I wanted to make here was that there were a lot of things we missed the first time around, that caused similar behavior to repeat. First, the issues that drove my wife towards this type of behavior were never addressed (I was insecure, controlling, critical & judgmental). My W's LL is words of affirmation, but rather than give her that, my insecurity drove me to constantly tear her down, the opposite of what she needed. My W didn't know I had these issues....she just knew she wasn't happy and I was making her more unhappy regularly. And I wasn't smart enough, or capable of taking any responsibility....I blamed her and agreed to move on, but never truly forgived her (until this past year).

Second, after the first EA, not only did we not tackle the factors that caused it, but we failed to rebuild the trust that was lost. My insecurities rose to a new level given what had happened, and I worried constantly. Eventually, this pushed her to not even want to be around me, which opened the door for more contact with OM. As you can see, this was a vicious circle.

I have broken the circle by addressing my own issues and working on me. I'm probably the happiest I've ever been, and my M is still in shambles pretty much. We haven't gotten to the point of rebuilding trust yet....well, I shouldn't say that. We are rebuilding her trust in me right now...that I can be understanding, not freak out about stuff, listen, and love her. Eventually I know we need to rebuild the trust on my side too.

Anyway, I just wanted to say, don't get lost in the "fixing of the M" to the point that you don't address the underlying issues on both sides. Otherwise, you will likely see the pattern repeat.

Mrs D, on your question of today, you've called and texted, I think you've done your part to try to communicate. Go on with your day. If you don't, you'll just resent it later.

[Mrs D]

Hey Carnac,
He came and got him about ten minutes after I posted. My son was in fhe middle of getting dressed. I was going to take him golfing. X sent a text he was on his way. C didnt want to go and asked if he could call and tell him. Course X was upset that I was lettinv C manipulate me. I told X when he finally stopped by that C is hurting, and the things hes done over the weekend that arent normal actions for him. He said how its weird he never acts out for him. He just doesnt see it, or maybe he doesnt want to see it. Idk. Im not bringing it up anymore and will just deal with it in my own.

Today. I feel like I am at a total loss of everything. Still in the funk I guess. He gets to go riding all day yesterday and I got to deal with our son testing me because hes hurting. He gets to go out with the gf while I get to wipe my sons face from tears because he doesnt understand what is going on. Jealous? Yeah maybe.

[Mrs D]

Thanks BD for your post. I am working on myself daily. Shoot. I dont even have a M to work on anymore. He has a gf. Its like he lets me in just a bit, but then pushes me away cause he is with her. KD told me I needed to detach and not go into NC because he does need to see the changes I am making within myself. Its hard though since he does have the gf.

He finally came by ten minutes after I posted. He just doesnt get our son is good crying out for him. I really think he thinks Im playing games. Sadly. I am not.

Still in the funk. Maybe its jealousy? Idk.

[Breakdown]

The funk s^cks....in a bit of one myself. Things started off great this AM, ML, made big breakfast with W for kids, then as I'm leaving for groceries, I hear W on the phone with her M talking about OM.

Old me would have flown off the handle because it sounded pretty bad...like they were in a R and it didn't work out, but that is me filling in the blanks and I have always done so with the most negative things I could think of (I am a king of negative thinking!). Now, I'm not even sure I should mention it....was planning on not, but W has asked me 2-3 times already what's wrong with me because I'm not in a good mood as usual.

As I said above, I think we're building trust on her side....so me flying off the handle or talking negative about it is just going to make her feel like she can't talk in front of me...not good.

Oh well, sorry to get sidetracked on your thread. My advice, go do something for YOU today. Have some fun! Maybe I should do the same

[Mrs D]

Hey BD.

Im just waiting for one of my GFs to call back. Think we are gonna find something to do. Im gonna have to read your thread as well after I finish Regrets. Still thinking about making cookies as well. Lol

[Breakdown]

Hey BD.

Im just waiting for one of my GFs to call back. Think we are gonna find something to do. Im gonna have to read your thread as well after I finish Regrets. Still thinking about making cookies as well. Lol

Hehe....my W decided it's cookie day too. She's been at it for hours. Kids are all happily munching away.

I went and got a movie, so I'm probably just going to veg. I thought about getting out and doing something fun too, but I'm really not feeling energetic so I think I'll just hang back and plan out my week, maybe read a bit. Time to get back in workout mode tomorrow...feeling a little flabby after a week off.

Have fun!

[Mrs D]

Well. My GF called back. Out on the boat instead. Yay! Texted X to make sure he was bringing our son home by 8. He had made the comment that he was going to take our son to get a harley davidson shirt. So I sent X a text that I wore a size medium if he wanted to pick me up a shirt. Lol. And that was his response. Lol. MEH. Im having fun with my GF. Interaction with X wasnt like in the past week. But. Im not gonna let it bother me. Will check in later.

[mamabird]

Hi Mrs D,
hope you had fun on the boat today. Great way to spend the last unofficial day of summer.

I do go to IC once a week. My H makes fun of me because 3x a month I skype w my therapist, and once a month I see him locally. Who cares. I like him and he's helping me.

My H also goes to IC but he's still being a _____ (use your imagination, anything will do) so who knows if that's working for him. But, we can only work on ourselves, and if they don't get it, then they are the ones missing out. Not us.

Some random told me I looked "fine" the other day... I usually do not get hit on so that was a very nice ego boost, esp since I was just walking along minding my own business. I keep that with me when I get a little down about my sitch. There will be life after H, if we end up getting to that point.

[Mrs D]

I hate him. I AM DONE.