Tomorrow is a New Day

[hopefulinga]

I know MWD says not to say ILY and I try not to do it. I know H is insecure, so what is the break point? He accuses me of doing things intentionally, so I don't want him to think I am doing something to be cruel. He sort of does come for the kiss. I sit at my desk in the am to do work and he walks by and stops before he leaves. I do have to get up, but that was the same pre-bomb.

I know that I've slid backwards a little bit and need to backoff a little more. The mixed signals are confusing. I am still a little irritated today. I saw a quote this am that said "You are married to a human being. The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's greener on the side you water." I would so love to give this to H. I don't get any water. He sure seems to be able to water everyone else, so yes, the grass is greener there. Maybe I am being too negative today. I just don't think he will change no matter how much I change.

Does he hold a grudge against me? I don't know for sure. I can think of a few reasons that he may. I've apologized for anything that may cause him to hold a grudge. He's never said it outright, but he does dig up stuff from the past. Maybe hurt and can't forgive? Sometimes I think he isn't cut out for M because he always wants to cut and run and doesn't put the time or effort into making it work. M#1 5 yrs. M#2 3 yrs. He's told me I am not the person that he wants to grow old with and sit in rocking chairs on the porch with, although I once was.

For my birthday last year, he went to buy me flowers. The floral shop he used apparently had closed. He called me to tell me that but didn't try to go anywhere else. I got no card and no gift, no dinner, no anything. He told me he was too busy to do any of that. He was within 50 yards of a card shop and D asked him to go in. He told her he was too busy. What was he too busy with? Looking at a golf cart with his BFF.

The year before that, he was too busy to take me out to dinner, but a friend wanted to throw a party at the airport the day before my birthday and he was all in.

For Mother's day this year, I asked him if we could go to lunch together. He said yes and then had a friend come along and was more worried about making sure his friend was happy and could find something on the menu at the place I chose. At dinner, he said I'm sorry you had to cook your own mother's day dinner. Again, no card, no nothing to acknowledge me and all of the work I do for this family. No offer to take me out, etc.

The pattern: the inability to think outside of himself and see that I am a separate person with my own needs. Will detaching change that? I don't know. I honestly don't think he will notice.

Does that crush me and make me get unmotivated? Yes. Was he always this way? No. Do I question why I am putting myself through this? Yes.