Mrs D and Regret, there is some parallel between our stories, but my W was the one to have multiple EAs (including the sexting thing) and I was the one to be the ass!ole that in a way, drove her to that type of behavior.
It was probably 6 years ago I discovered my W's sexting, and she immediately broke it off and felt embarrassed and terrible about it. Fast forward a few years and she avoided sexting, but slipped back into an inappropriate relationship, which has continued up until recently (I'm not ready to say it's over, because they are still in contact).
The point I wanted to make here was that there were a lot of things we missed the first time around, that caused similar behavior to repeat. First, the issues that drove my wife towards this type of behavior were never addressed (I was insecure, controlling, critical & judgmental). My W's LL is words of affirmation, but rather than give her that, my insecurity drove me to constantly tear her down, the opposite of what she needed. My W didn't know I had these issues....she just knew she wasn't happy and I was making her more unhappy regularly. And I wasn't smart enough, or capable of taking any responsibility....I blamed her and agreed to move on, but never truly forgived her (until this past year).
Second, after the first EA, not only did we not tackle the factors that caused it, but we failed to rebuild the trust that was lost. My insecurities rose to a new level given what had happened, and I worried constantly. Eventually, this pushed her to not even want to be around me, which opened the door for more contact with OM. As you can see, this was a vicious circle.
I have broken the circle by addressing my own issues and working on me. I'm probably the happiest I've ever been, and my M is still in shambles pretty much. We haven't gotten to the point of rebuilding trust yet....well, I shouldn't say that. We are rebuilding her trust in me right now...that I can be understanding, not freak out about stuff, listen, and love her. Eventually I know we need to rebuild the trust on my side too.
Anyway, I just wanted to say, don't get lost in the "fixing of the M" to the point that you don't address the underlying issues on both sides. Otherwise, you will likely see the pattern repeat.
Mrs D, on your question of today, you've called and texted, I think you've done your part to try to communicate. Go on with your day. If you don't, you'll just resent it later.
