I have the "Boundaries" set, which gives step by step instructions for getting your personal boundaries up and running. One of my favorite quotes comes when she's explaining that you're not to try to set things straight when someone is saying infuriatingly untrue stuff to you: "Being them is punishment enough."
I also have the "Co-addicted Relationships" set. This one is really good at explaining what's unhealthy in most relationships and why. It also lays out the steps to take for healing and moving into healthy Rs. It clarifies what codependence is (basically a bit, or perhaps a lot, of immaturity) and the difference between that and love addiction (what most people think of as codependence). As I've said before, listening to this one is always an inspirational kick in the arse. Pia's examples are of rather extreme cases, but the hint of recognition really boosts awareness of the things I need to work on. I might still be stuck in some of my bad patterns, but at least there's Pia's voice in my head pointing it out to me.
Goals report: Logged 23 miles on my bike yesterday, while listening to Spanish lessons. And I just want to point out that I do not live in a flat area. I arrived at a friend's house for lunch and tried to use a little of my new Spanish. It didn't go as I'd hoped. Sigh. I'll keep plugging away.
One of my challenges since P left has been dealing with an annoying housemate. He's a really nice guy, but leaves a trail in the kitchen and bathroom. P happily cleaned up after him when she was here. I have very little tolerance for cleaning up after him. He also has a different sense of boundaries so is completely comfortable using (abusing, "it broke", not replacing...) anything he can find, regardless of whose it is. This has been very good practice for me in addressing difficult concerns, as well as figuring out and enforcing my boundaries. I've become more relaxed about figuring out a path forward.
I frequently do the math in my head. The rent is pretty compelling (and he's a known quantity, whereas a different housemate would be an unknown quantity - maybe better, maybe not). The other big factor is that he takes care of P's cats when I'm on the road and when we take off for winter gigs. (Now that P isn't living here, I'm paying the full price in picking up after him.) Third factor is me feeling guilty if I kick him out. Since I've made clear requests more than once, and he's unable (though not unwilling) to fulfill them, this is diminishing. Fourth factor is that me kicking him out would be a black mark against me on P's scorecard. Yeah, I need to work through that. One of her complaints was that I'm too hard, not kind enough. I think she'd be more comfortable if I was more like her and always said "it'll be fine". On the one hand she recognizes that she needs to be more assertive, but on the other hand she's horrified when I am. I can see that these are some of her messed up issues and examples of poor boundaries on her part, but I know the consequences on the scorecard.
So, here's where I want to be: I can be open and kind and communicative with the housemate. I can state what my limits are. If he's not with the program, I can choose to give him notice. I can look for another housemate. I can't control what P thinks about any of it. I don't want to be in an R if I have to compromise at that level.
I look around the boards and I see all manner of difficult compromises being required. It's true, but there's a line. Sometimes it's just hard to find it. What is stepping out of my comfort zone toward a good end and what is compromising my integrity? That will be my question to ponder for today.
