Dealing with Anger

[Arsene]

Hi Denver,

Thanks so much for your time. It's very helpful, believe me. I just have a few things I'd like to clarify.

Question 1.

W + OM = You are not a part of her life except for kids and financial necessities.

I was a bit taken aback with this so I went to re-read both the LRT and the section on Infidelity in DR. MWD still appears to advocate LRT in a case like mine. Your approach seems to be more a step towards atLRT.

I'm asking because, what I've been doing lately seems to be having an effect. W is starting to want to be around a bit more. She has included me in meals and even an outing to the swimming pool (which I turned down)in recent days. Mind you, I don't know her motives if any but we've been having a fun time together and I always make a point of not initiating anything and ending the moment first. I play it cool (and vague) when she asked about my life and IMO, it is genuine. I haven't shown any form of excitement and I remain calm and "Fonzy" cool.

Question 2.

Coming over to your home and pretending to be a happy little family, again IMO, should not be an option for her. She is destroying her family. Pretending that she is not is only putting off the inevitable if she continues on this path.

I see your point. I'll have to think more about this one.

Question 4.

I need to think about this some more because I'm pretty sure that it's just a matter of time before it happens. Since W is not yet interested in saving our M, I don't think I should take your approach. That might risk putting W on his side against me at this point and I don't want to encourage that. However, I'm not going to shake OM's hand and tell him to take care of W either. I'm looking for something between Suppo's approach and yours.

Question 7.

As comparison, you love your D, but I'm willing to bet my last dollar that you won't agree with, or even approve of, every choice that she makes in her life. YOu will still love her, won't you?

OK. I get that. Thanks. A bit more difficult with a WAW but I see what you mean.

On the rest of your comments, I kind of agree that there is no one correct answer and that I have to figure it out for myself (in fact this is true of all of these because I'm the only one living my own sitch).

The thing is, when I adopted the action plan you so cleverly wrote, my impressions and goals, based on the points highlighted below was to detach, not to pursue or initiate contact, be the first one to terminate contact, GAL and maintain some mystery but all of this while being the best person I can be while she is around to give her a taste of what she stands to lose. If, after having done this for a while (still undetermined - to be determined by my state of mind) I see that it's not leading me anywhere, then I would start "closing the gate" and taking these nice things away from her.

Does that make sense? That's what I got from DR but I'm not sure it's right anymore.

3. Continue to show W new me - Continue to listen and validate W. Continue to be attentive and loving. Without telling her that I love her. Continue to actually actively listen to what W talks about. Continue to be fun to be around... be in a good mood... don't be a downer... be available to W and SS, but not too available. If needed, fake it till I make it. Act AS IF.

6. Eliminate expectations. Don't be upset if W does not invite me to do things. do not be upset if she declines invites from me. If I do something nice for her, do it bc I want to, not bc I have an expectation of something or some reaction in return.

7. Do not be doormat - I am a doormat IF ... I do something that I do not want to do bc I believe W expects it or will be upset with me about if I don't do it. I am NOT a doormat if I CHOOSE to do or not do something bc it is what I WANT to do.

9. Start to GAL again. My life cannot be all about my W and SS. GAL to make myself happy and to create some mystery about myself.

10. Be the better man. I am better than the OM... no question. But that is not what is most important. I must be better than the old me. Be focused on improving myself, how I react to things, how I live my life on a daily basis. Be happy.

11. Continue to create confusion in my W about her initial decision. When my W left, she was DONE. DBing has allowed me to get her to a point of confusion on that initial decision. This has, and continues to be, a good thing. I do this by continuing with my 180's and being the better man.

14. IF NEEDED - CLOSE THE GATES nicely and lovingly, and without being a martyr. I must continue being patient and giving this time. And I must take advantage of this time to show my W more of the new me... she has seen if for 3+ months. She needs to see more of it. BUT, the time may come when I need to take the new me away from her. When she must be forced to see what her life will be like without the NEW me... This conversation must be done nicely and with love. Merely that her indecision has gotten to the point that it is not fair to me, OM, or to SS. That I will now be taking myself out of the equation. That I will still be here if and when she decides that she wants to commit to me and M, but that I don't know for how long.