a new perspective

[strongerthanever]

My heart longs to be loved. Not because I need it, or feel incomplete without it. I think it is human nature to want to be loved. I believe that I am a great woman, that I have so much to offer. I know there are men out there who value the same things I do.

I know it exists, not just in the movies. A man that looks at me and is so grateful that I'm a part of his life. A man that holds me and breathes me in, and his heart just races. A man that supports me and is proud of me, is honored to have me by his side. A man that cares for me and loves me back to health when I am sick. A man whose favorite place is on the couch, with me in his arms. A man who doesn’t mind leaving home because he is so happy to come back to it, and me, at the end of the day. A man that wipes away my tears and kisses me when I am sad. A man that doesn’t get restless with daily life, because he knows the little things are what mean the most. A man that makes love to me and holds me in his arms as I fall asleep afterwards. A man that believes in maintaining his own relationship, whose grass is always greener than any other side, because he does not allow it to die or become overtaken by weeds. A man who looks forward to the changing of the seasons and the new memories that will be created.

I know it exists. I know I'm ready for it. I know I deserve it.
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I wrote that exactly a month ago. It was more of my heart's wish list than something I ever thought I would have. Tonight I realized that person does exist, and is in my life.

Tears fill my eyes as I type this, I feel so humbled and grateful.

4 years ago I married my H, and after the first year it went down hill. So much that by year 3 I became the WAS. The 4th year has been spent in this limbo situation.

I can honestly say that I'm not mad at H, I don't have any negative feelings towards the way he has treated me over the past several years. If you don't know better, you just don't. I think this sitch IS that life learning lesson for him, though I feel the Lord isn't done molding him just yet. My role in this lesson hurt, but I understand it was meerly a role. So again, I don't judge, and can look back detached.

There comes a time where you have so much love and acceptance that you let go. It doesn't feel like you are turning your back on something. It just feels like you are opening yourself up to compassion, acceptance, love, and anything that life brings you. Like pouring the contents of a fish bowl into the ocean, not knowing what's out there, but knowing everything will be ok.

So I have reflected, grown and loved myself. I began thinking about my future R, and it just unfolded with such ease that it feels as natural as breathing.

Life has brought me a wonderful man. He works in the hospital with me. We have been friends for 2 years, and we have been chatting more often for the past few months. Little did I know, he was patiently waiting for my walls to come down, as he says.

We have spent so much time together, esp these past few days, and it just clicked. My heart opened. And everything in that letter up top? That's him. It really is. And like I said, my eyes fill with tears, my heart is so humbled. It feels so natural, so easy. There's nothing holding me back, I have nothing to be scared of. It's like you try so hard to create a door when there is another door AND it's open. Just had to let go of that knob and look in another direction to see it.

Obviously a divorce still needs to be granted, and H and I will always have some sort of a R co parenting our little girls-but this chapter of my life is over and another has just begun.