Dealing with Anger

[Arsene]

MrsD, Suppo, Broken, Denver,

Thanks for your support. It makes me feel like I can do this. I think that so far I have been doing well. Here is an update on my sitch.

Friday was W's bday. I know everyone says not to do a thing but that's not me. Besides, I had bought her a few harmonicas while in my country and told d8 that she could give one to W for her bday. D8 made her mom a card and we wrapped the present. She asked me why I wasn't going to give something to mom. I just said it was probably not a good idea. Nonetheless, W had planned to spend the day with D8 so I'd told her she would pick her up from school because i was going to be busy with a job. Besides, in the evening I had my first meeting with the ToastMasters (an English public speaking club) so it was good timing.

In the morning, I texted W saying:

Me - I hope you have a beautiful day. 40 is a great time to be alive. I truly hope you find happiness in your life.

W - Thanks Arsene. I hope the same for you.

Later that day, I got another text after D8 gave her the harmonica

W - I thank you so much for the harp. It is lovely. Thanks a lot to both of you.

Later that day, W told me that she couldn't spend to day with D8 because a job had come up. She needed me to get D8 around 6. I told her I couldn't because I had a meeting. She was a bit taken aback but we eventually decided that D8 could go with her at her gig, which finished at 21:30.

I told her that I would try to pick D8 up if my meeting finished earlier. I said I would let her know.

I was a bit disappointed because I know how much D8 wanted to spend time with her mom and I also was looking forward to going out with friends after the meeting.

Anyway, as it turned out, the meeting was canceled but I decided to still go out for a quick drink with a friend. I decided to let W take care of D8 (she had been going on for a while that she missed seeing mom sing, so she would be happy to spend some time with her mom on her birthday), knowing that she would be in bed by 10 at most. I then went to a local McDs to kill an hour (on this site) before meeting my friend.

How does it happen that in a city of 8 million people, my W and D8 would walk in the McDs where i was (neither of us are fans of McDs and we rarely go). It wasn't bad though. We had a nice exchange. I told her I was waiting to go to my appointment (W doesn't know anything about who or what the meeting was about - i suspect she thought it was work related), but didn't mention that the original meeting had been cancelled and that I was now just meeting a friend for drinks. As I still wasn't sure whether or not I would pick up D8 from the hotel lounge I said I'd call her if I could. As she left, W brought me a hamburger, saying it was for her bday (in this country you give food to your guests/friends on your bday).

In the end i didn't pick up D8 and by the time I got home, she was sleeping soundly, and W was gone (landlady was in the house).

An hour later, I got text from W asking me if she could be with D8 the whole day on the following day to make up for the fact that she'd had to work on Friday (she'd also had a lesson in the after noon, during which D8 sat and waited around). She also asked if it was ok for her to keep D8 overnight at her boarding house. I replied the following morning that I had no problems with that and that i hoped they have a good time together.

I know this may sound like a non-event but the point is, all day, I felt upbeat and I let nothing get to me. I didn't judge, criticise or felt anything other than love for my W. I was upbeat and happy. I think that I even showed confidence, and didn't make myself too available. I know I could have picked up D8 but I couldn't have, had the meeting not been canceled so I stuck with my plan, not to show/teach W anything, but because I felt like going for a drink with a friend on a night where I had planned to do so.

Today was similar. W again had to cancel with D8 because of a gig that just materialized. They spent the afternoon together at least but I had to cancel my plans, and I did willingly. One thing which happened in the morning though caught me off guard.

W had arranged to get movers to move some items of furniture in the house we recently rented. Now I don't plan on moving in before next week (I need to find a maid to take care of D8 first) but we had to get the movers for this Sunday. I explained this to the landlady (whose neighbours are helping in the move) and she understood that we weren't moving the furniture on Sunday (what I said is that me and D8 were moving next week). When W arrived, landlady asked her why we weren't moving on Sunday. W came to me in anger and started saying that I couldn't change the date, that she'd arranged for the movers already (W and I had spoken about me and D8 not moving before next week the previous day) so I kind of went on the defensive a bit and told her that it's what we had agreed the day before. That the furniture was moving Sunday and me and D8 next week. She then realise she was over-reacting and calmed down immediately (but didn't apologize). I wish I had stayed calm to point out the misunderstanding instead of going impulsively on the defensive but in the end no harm was done, I think.

In the evening, as I arrived back home, W was still there, getting ready (and looking great !!sigh!!). I told her her outfit was nice and we had a pleasant enough time until she said that a friend was picking her up by motorcyle(a guitarist I know - in fact, the only member of her former band who objected to her and OM seeing each other more and more 2 years ago, at the time of the EA) and said she would leave her stuff in the room. I suggested she keep it in the car as I'd probably be sleeping when she gets back. She was cross, I could tell (threw a few things in the bag quite roughly and even repeated - I thought petulantly - you'll be sleeping). I didn't let it affect my mood and I could tell she looked pissed off when she was taking her stuff outside, to the car. Nonetheless, I asked her if she had time for dinner before leaving and in the end we had a nice dinner with no animosity.

Just another weird thing happened. When the guitarist arrived to pick her up, I decided that we knew each other so I would not hide from him. Besides, I always respected the fact that he had said something back then so I went out to say hi. He looked a bit embarrassed but was nice. Commented on how I had lost weight and then proceeded to explained that they were playing for a wedding and asked me if it was ok. I got wondering how much he actually knew about what was going on.
W left and we exchanged polite good byes.

Again, I'm pretty happy with the way I can handle myself lately. I have been chasing thoughts of OM as they occur. I have been chasing the slumps with meditation and focus on happiness. I have been catching my thoughts before anything negative about W, or others, enter my mind and I have been focusing on the fact that I am doing the only thing that I can do for my situation. Giving it time and making the best of that time.

I do have a few questions but I'll keep them for tomorrow. Cheers every one!

[Arsene]

Thanks Needgrace. I appreciate your support and kind words.

Suppo, In a sense, I think that analogy is still a valid one. Very much like a POW, our lives have been put on hold and we endure torture and the venom of our keepers daily. Very much like a POW, we try to use the time to better ourselves (physically and mentally) because we know that it's our only chance out of here. Very much like a POW we have to accept that deliverance probably won't happen on our own timeline.

It is at a totally different level of course, but nonetheless, Stockdale's words are still every bit as valid in our sitches.

Thanks for the cheers mate!!

[Denver_2010]

I can't recall when I posted that. Do you know the month?

It was in May 2011.

Ahhh yes... good times.

I was just beginning to understand what I needed to do in May/June of 2011. When I first set my boundaries with W and began learning how to enforce it.

[Arsene]

Ok, so here are a few questions I've been pondering on over the last two days. The way I see it now, I have to live a good life and make the best of every contact I have with my wife without being walked all over (avoid cake eating).

1. Where is the line between being kind, pleasant, funny, fun to be around and pursuing? How can I be loving and not be seen as pursuing?

2. Because my wife lives in a boarding house, a lot of her time with D8 will be in our home. If I can manage the dynamics of this (not get dragged into arguments or be detached enough not to be hurt), is this a good idea or should I consider other options? (none comes to mind right now)

3. I never initiate contact unless it is important and re: logistics/D8, however, I have in the past offered subtle invitations to join D8 and I in our activities, which wife has readily accepted. Is this not a form of pursuing? I have to admit that as much as I do it for D8, a part of me also hopes to rekindle in W the family spirit which we had in the past. I must add that I never have any expectations when I invite her.

4. OM is not on my mind at all. I have been able to totally forget about him (or at least chase any thought of him that comes to mind). As I am starting to find my way through the music scene in this city, it seems very likely I would bump into him, either with or without W (as just happened with Suppo). How should I behave when/if I do? Does this change if he's with W? Does this change if I'm with D8?

5. On the same issue, I am also bound to bump into many of her friends (musicians and singers) and not knowing what W may have told them about our sitch and about me, how should I behave if/when this happens? It's to be noted that people in this country have a different sense of "small talk" and that they are very forthcoming with personal questions.

6. I find it difficult to assert myself on certain things such as what I have done over the last few days i.e.: Ask her to leave so I can go to sleep, Ask her to take her stuff with her so she won't wake me up when she comes to fetch it, ask her not to expose D8 to OM, etc... I find that I'm often graver/sterner than I want to be when I ask her to do things which "go against what I would really like" or which "ask her to do something which I think she would dislike". Is this bad? How can I change this?

7. "I love my W without conditions... so accept what she does, feels and thinks with the knowledge that she is on her own journey." I do not accept everything she does (OM). I accept that there is nothing I can do about it. Is this the same thing?

8. As my W seems to be a bit erratic in her behaviour (to say the least), it's difficult for me to gauge what is working and what isn't. Furthermore, if we are really doing this for ourselves, why should it matter whether it is affecting our S? I truly believe that the changes I ma making are making me a better man. Nonetheless, I do want my W to reconsider her decision so how can I see if it's working considering her erratic behaviour?

9. I know many vets have different idea of what constitutes "cake eating". Denver's definition of "doormat" as posted in his plan of action, says:


I am a doormat IF ... I do something that I do not want to do bc I believe W expects it or will be upset with me about if I don't do it. I am NOT a doormat if I CHOOSE to do or not do something bc it is what I WANT to do.

Is "cake eating" the same? I allow her to "cake eat" if "I do something that I do not want to do bc I believe W expects it or will be upset with me about if I don't do it" or if I expect her to do something or act differently in return?
If not, what is "cake eating"? is it simply W coming to me to try to fulfill (or get) something that she can't get out of OM? Is it W taking advantage of me still being in love with her? If I only do what I choose to do, in a loving way, am I not still allowing "cake eating"?


I think that this is it for now. I truly appreciate anyone's comment on any or all of the above questions. I'll post more if any more come to mind.

Cheers,

[Mrs D]

Arsene. You sound so positive and upbeat today!!! Keep up the great work my friend!

[Arsene]

Day 3 of the new plan of action - Update

Good day today. W and I had planned to move some of our bigger items to the new house today. W had arranged with the neighbour to get a few guys to move our stuff. Had planned to meet up with W and "movers" at our old house (the one where our tenants live) at 2 pm to pick up some of our stuff from the house.

I spent the morning with D8 around the boarding house and playing guitar and got to the old house at 2 but I felt a bit weird arriving there first. W had made the arrangements with the tenants (people we know) and I don't know what she told them about us so I drove around the block waiting for W to arrive.

When she did I went and joined her. The truck and driver were there but the hired "movers" weren't. W was snippy and asked me where they were. I told her I had no idea, that I thought she had taken care of it. She then told me I should have talked to them as they live across my boarding house. She said she thought I would have. I kept calm and said that I was sorry but that if I had known I would have but I didn't know anything about the deal she had made with them (she never told me - just that she had found movers). She then called my landlady (who knew about the deal) and was told that the neighbour and found work elsewhere and wouldn't make it. W was pretty upset but she no longer was angry with me. We decided to see if we could find a few helpers in the neighbourhood, which we did.

It was strange going in our old house. This is where we had lived the three yeas leading up to W's EA. During those years, we'd done lots of renovations and now, the house is exactly as we wanted it (unfortunately we don't live there anymore). It's impossible to walk through this time warp and not be affected by it. I sensed W didn't want to face her emotions. She stayed out most of the time, until I asked her to come and have a look at our back yard garden and how it had grown. She used to love sitting there in the morning. She stayed in the back yard for a bit, very pensive. I remained upbeat and the move went on well.

For the first trip, W and I drove the car together (I left my motorcycle at our old house) and we had nice light convo where she lightened up abit and we shared a few laughs. On the way, I stopped at a fruit stall to get fruit for the "movers" (part of my 180s is working on my generosity - I never used to do stuff like this but for the last 6 weeks, I've been getting stuff and food for security guards in our neighbourhood and for helpers and my landlady and other lodgers - W has no idea I've been doing this because I don't do it for her but I have to admit that this one was to show off a bit - not too proud of this) and when we got to the house the mood was great.

To make a long story short, the whole move went very well and W seems to like the new house however, she did make a point to say more than once that this was MY house. D8 was very excited about seeing her new room and told W that now, she could spend the night whenever she wanted and cuddle with her.

Once things were sorted at the new house, W and D8 took the movers back and I went to my boarding house to wait for them (they were to come back and have dinner with me). They eventually showed up 2 hours later having had dinner. I wasn't affected by it (the old me would have been bothered a lot and made some snide remark) and I was upbeat about them being back. W said she'd wanted to invite me out for noodles but I had insisted on coming back home (not the way I remember the convo) so I just said I'd take a rain-check on the invite.

W and daughter then laid in bed while I was doing some work and a few times W talked to me so I stopped what I was doing to listen and validate when I could. She'd heard from her guitarist (the guy I'd spoken to the previous evening) that I might have found some gig somewhere and she was very curious about it and very excited. I down-played it and told her it still wasn't sure so I didn't want to talk about it yet. She said i deserve to get a gig, that I've improved a lot and that when I did get it, she wanted me to invite her.

The convo then turned to an offer I got from my former boss in a neigbouring country. W said I should take it. I said the offer would be there whenever I want to take it (my boss's words) if I choose to but that for the time being D8 needed to be here near her mom. W said but she is here. It looked like she was trying to get me to go by myself, I jokingly asked if she was trying to get rid of me and left the room to get a glass of water.

She'd also been asked by a mutual female acquaintance (Y), if she could meet her to discuss marital problems. Y is the wife of a good friend of mine and she isn't being treated very well. For a long time, W and I had thought that Y should just leave her husband (my friend). Now W said that she didn't understand why Y was doing this to herself. Then, she reflected that perhaps many people also didn't understand what SHE was doing. I didn't comment. We stayed silent for a long pause and then I addressed D8.

D8 eventually went to bed and fell asleep (W fell asleep too) so I left the room for a bit (I thought about waking her up to tell her to leave but she seemed so peaceful that I just figured I'd let her rest for a bit). Minutes later, she exited the room and instead of leaving right away, took a seat so we talked a bit. The talk was mainly about our financial situation (which is the worst in my last 30 years) and she seemed very worried (about me???). I told her that I would be fine and that everything would fall into place by the end of next month. We talked a bit more and she again tried to get me to talk about my possible gig and then, I pleasantly and jokingly told her to get out, that I needed my beauty sleep. She hesitated (literally 5-10 minutes) between taking the car or the bicycle. Asked me my advice (which I didn't offer),changed her mind twice and finally opted for the car. As she left the house, I walked her out and we exchanged good nights.

She just sent me a few texts to ask me questions about an English lesson she is planning for a private tomorrow. I answered and joked a bit. She reciprocated and joked some more. I didn't reply to her last text.

I feel good about today. I just read my plan of action and I think I did everything right, or at least in a way I wanted to do it.

Maybe it is getting easier after all.

[Denver_2010]

1. Where is the line between being kind, pleasant, funny, fun to be around and pursuing? How can I be loving and not be seen as pursuing?

IMO, as long as your W is with, or spending time with, OM, that you cannot pursue or pressure. Meaning, you only have contact with her when it is necessary, usually re your kids. You give her the space that she is asking for by living your life without her.

WHEN YOU DO have that incidental contact, THAT is when you are pleasant and fun to be around (even if it's only for 1 or 2 minutes). Just be yourself. If there's a chance to be funny, be funny.

The point is that you are happy without her. You are being who YOU want to be. A person that is fun, funny and pleasant to be around for ANYONE. NOT just your W.

This is a tough thing to 'get'. Trust me, I struggled with it for a very long time, and probably never quite got it completely down. But I got better at it.

W + OM = You are not a part of her life except for kids and financial necessities.

Necessary contact = You showing her that you are that great guy. Because you ARE. Not because you are pretending to be for HER.

2. Because my wife lives in a boarding house, a lot of her time with D8 will be in our home. If I can manage the dynamics of this (not get dragged into arguments or be detached enough not to be hurt), is this a good idea or should I consider other options? (none comes to mind right now)

Tough one Arsene. And a dynamic that I did not have to deal with.

IMVHO, I think that you should let her time with D be her time. You should politely make yourself scarce. Coming over to your home and pretending to be a happy little family, again IMO, should not be an option for her. She is destroying her family. Pretending that she is not is only putting off the inevitable if she continues on this path.

But you have to do what is right for YOU Arsene. With your D's interests very much in the equation. No one can answer that for you.

3. I never initiate contact unless it is important and re: logistics/D8, however, I have in the past offered subtle invitations to join D8 and I in our activities, which wife has readily accepted. Is this not a form of pursuing? I have to admit that as much as I do it for D8, a part of me also hopes to rekindle in W the family spirit which we had in the past. I must add that I never have any expectations when I invite her.

I'd stop this ASAP. See my answers to questons 1 and 2.

It is pursuing. And it is keeping your W from seeing the consequences of her actions. I am not suggesting that you punish her by stopping this pursuing behavior. I'm suggesting that you let her see what she is doing to your family. Stop pretending. Dinners with you and daughter are probably not going to rekindle that family spirit. She is running from that. Let her run. Let her see that what she is running to isn't nearly as fulfilling as what she is running from.

4. OM is not on my mind at all. I have been able to totally forget about him (or at least chase any thought of him that comes to mind). As I am starting to find my way through the music scene in this city, it seems very likely I would bump into him, either with or without W (as just happened with Suppo). How should I behave when/if I do? Does this change if he's with W? Does this change if I'm with D8?

Again, very personal call. You may have read about my little encounter with OM back in either late May or early June of 2011. I thought that I did well by not beating him with a tire iron. But I was not polite. And I will tell you, confronting him and telling him what I thought of him was the right move for me. I have no regrets about that whatsoever. In fact, I feel very good that he knows exactly where he stands with me. AND, that he did nothing to defend himself or his actions.

IMO, what OM is doing is NOT right. He is messing with another man's W. He is messing with a married woman. A married woman who has a young child. I have absolutely no sympathy or care about someone who is doing that. (yes, I realize the hypocrisy re my friend if you've read my moral dilemma thread). But this is how I truly feel.

Again, personal call. I do think that you need to always set a good example for your daughter regardless though.

5. On the same issue, I am also bound to bump into many of her friends (musicians and singers) and not knowing what W may have told them about our sitch and about me, how should I behave if/when this happens? It's to be noted that people in this country have a different sense of "small talk" and that they are very forthcoming with personal questions.

For me, I talked about it when I felt like it. If I didn't, I politely said that it was something that I didn't want to talk about, or I quickly changed the subject. Whatever is best for you and your emotional health.

I chose to never say anything bad about my W. In fact, I defended her when someone would be critical, even in the slightest. I did this for two reasons, 1) I love her and I don't like hearing anyone say anything badly about her, and 2) I knew that I wanted her to come back to me and that meant also coming back to my friends and family. If she felt like they looked at her negatively, I felt that that might make her even more hesitant to come back. That was validated multiple times during our sitch where W would tell me that she was not looking forward to seeing my friends or family bc she thought that they thought she was a bad person. Things would have been all that much worse, if I had fed that fire.

Keep the road home paved and smooth as they say.

6. I find it difficult to assert myself on certain things such as what I have done over the last few days i.e.: Ask her to leave so I can go to sleep, Ask her to take her stuff with her so she won't wake me up when she comes to fetch it, ask her not to expose D8 to OM, etc... I find that I'm often graver/sterner than I want to be when I ask her to do things which "go against what I would really like" or which "ask her to do something which I think she would dislike". Is this bad? How can I change this?

I don't know if it is bad per se. I certainly understand it and did a lot of that myself. I think that ideally you want to ask for what you need and want. Politely, kindly, and with love. You cannot control how she reacts to your requests. And I ultimately figured out that my W was not going to D me over things like you are talking about. If she was going to D me, it was going to be because of the previous 7 1/2 years that we spent together and all of the hurt that came from that.

7. "I love my W without conditions... so accept what she does, feels and thinks with the knowledge that she is on her own journey." I do not accept everything she does (OM). I accept that there is nothing I can do about it. Is this the same thing?

Not sure if I understand the form of the question, but I think so. Loving someone unconditionally does NOT mean that you accept everything that they do or all of their choices.

In fact, it doesn't even mean that you have to choose to have them in your life. You can love them from afar when they are doing something that hurts you, or causes you emotional harm. You are loving them, but protecting yourself.

As comparison, you love your D, but I'm willing to bet my last dollar that you won't agree with, or even approve of, every choice that she makes in her life. YOu will still love her, won't you?

8. As my W seems to be a bit erratic in her behaviour (to say the least), it's difficult for me to gauge what is working and what isn't. Furthermore, if we are really doing this for ourselves, why should it matter whether it is affecting our S? I truly believe that the changes I ma making are making me a better man. Nonetheless, I do want my W to reconsider her decision so how can I see if it's working considering her erratic behaviour?

Some questions just can't be answered Arsene. The best that I can do is tell you what I did. I watched for small positive signs and progress. I journaled about them here. Generally, I think that the positive signs that I saw were indeed there. But things did not progress as QUICKLY as I had hoped or expected.

Truegritter told me a couple of times that "the turkey is not ready to come out of the oven". He was trying to tell me that my W was not truly ready to reconcile even though I could would have swore to him that he was wrong. That she indeed was. But see, I was seeing all of these positive things going on, and having EXPECTATIONS.

Expectations are the killer. Throw them out. Use the small steps, the small positive signs, as fuel to keep your fight up. BUT, they don't mean jack until your W decides that she wants to work on her M. If/when she does, you will know.

And of course your W is erratic. I think that this process is ultimately more difficult on the WAS than it is on LBS. They usually don't really know what they want, even if they are convinced that they do. Almost all of them are erratic.

I read a post from a long ago poster here to view your W the same as the crazy homeless person babbling on the side of the street. Kind of funny in a way. Kind of sad in a way. But I do think that they are usually very lost and all over the board as a result.

9. I know many vets have different idea of what constitutes "cake eating". Denver's definition of "doormat" as posted in his plan of action, says:


I am a doormat IF ... I do something that I do not want to do bc I believe W expects it or will be upset with me about if I don't do it. I am NOT a doormat if I CHOOSE to do or not do something bc it is what I WANT to do.

Not mine, but the definition that I adopted because I came to believe it. I think that either came from Truegritter or Jackthreebeans.

Is "cake eating" the same? I allow her to "cake eat" if "I do something that I do not want to do bc I believe W expects it or will be upset with me about if I don't do it" or if I expect her to do something or act differently in return?
If not, what is "cake eating"? is it simply W coming to me to try to fulfill (or get) something that she can't get out of OM? Is it W taking advantage of me still being in love with her? If I only do what I choose to do, in a loving way, am I not still allowing "cake eating"?

Tough questions Arsene. I don't think that there are black and white answers to many of these.

IMO, she is cake eating if she is taking advantage of the fact that you do not want to upset her, and that you want to please her. So she uses THAT to get something from you while, at the same time, either getting something also from OM, and/or just living it up and avoiding her responsibilities as a W. Ultimately, I think that it comes down to getting two things that should be diametrically opposed to one another.

She should not get the benefits of being your W, while also getting to go out and live it up with OM.

Drawing the line, or even seeing the line, is the hard part. I don't think that there is any instruction manual on this. You're going to have to figure this one out on your own somewhat.

[Arsene]

Hi Denver,

Thanks so much for your time. It's very helpful, believe me. I just have a few things I'd like to clarify.

Question 1.

W + OM = You are not a part of her life except for kids and financial necessities.

I was a bit taken aback with this so I went to re-read both the LRT and the section on Infidelity in DR. MWD still appears to advocate LRT in a case like mine. Your approach seems to be more a step towards atLRT.

I'm asking because, what I've been doing lately seems to be having an effect. W is starting to want to be around a bit more. She has included me in meals and even an outing to the swimming pool (which I turned down)in recent days. Mind you, I don't know her motives if any but we've been having a fun time together and I always make a point of not initiating anything and ending the moment first. I play it cool (and vague) when she asked about my life and IMO, it is genuine. I haven't shown any form of excitement and I remain calm and "Fonzy" cool.

Question 2.

Coming over to your home and pretending to be a happy little family, again IMO, should not be an option for her. She is destroying her family. Pretending that she is not is only putting off the inevitable if she continues on this path.

I see your point. I'll have to think more about this one.

Question 4.

I need to think about this some more because I'm pretty sure that it's just a matter of time before it happens. Since W is not yet interested in saving our M, I don't think I should take your approach. That might risk putting W on his side against me at this point and I don't want to encourage that. However, I'm not going to shake OM's hand and tell him to take care of W either. I'm looking for something between Suppo's approach and yours.

Question 7.

As comparison, you love your D, but I'm willing to bet my last dollar that you won't agree with, or even approve of, every choice that she makes in her life. YOu will still love her, won't you?

OK. I get that. Thanks. A bit more difficult with a WAW but I see what you mean.

On the rest of your comments, I kind of agree that there is no one correct answer and that I have to figure it out for myself (in fact this is true of all of these because I'm the only one living my own sitch).

The thing is, when I adopted the action plan you so cleverly wrote, my impressions and goals, based on the points highlighted below was to detach, not to pursue or initiate contact, be the first one to terminate contact, GAL and maintain some mystery but all of this while being the best person I can be while she is around to give her a taste of what she stands to lose. If, after having done this for a while (still undetermined - to be determined by my state of mind) I see that it's not leading me anywhere, then I would start "closing the gate" and taking these nice things away from her.

Does that make sense? That's what I got from DR but I'm not sure it's right anymore.

3. Continue to show W new me - Continue to listen and validate W. Continue to be attentive and loving. Without telling her that I love her. Continue to actually actively listen to what W talks about. Continue to be fun to be around... be in a good mood... don't be a downer... be available to W and SS, but not too available. If needed, fake it till I make it. Act AS IF.

6. Eliminate expectations. Don't be upset if W does not invite me to do things. do not be upset if she declines invites from me. If I do something nice for her, do it bc I want to, not bc I have an expectation of something or some reaction in return.

7. Do not be doormat - I am a doormat IF ... I do something that I do not want to do bc I believe W expects it or will be upset with me about if I don't do it. I am NOT a doormat if I CHOOSE to do or not do something bc it is what I WANT to do.

9. Start to GAL again. My life cannot be all about my W and SS. GAL to make myself happy and to create some mystery about myself.

10. Be the better man. I am better than the OM... no question. But that is not what is most important. I must be better than the old me. Be focused on improving myself, how I react to things, how I live my life on a daily basis. Be happy.

11. Continue to create confusion in my W about her initial decision. When my W left, she was DONE. DBing has allowed me to get her to a point of confusion on that initial decision. This has, and continues to be, a good thing. I do this by continuing with my 180's and being the better man.

14. IF NEEDED - CLOSE THE GATES nicely and lovingly, and without being a martyr. I must continue being patient and giving this time. And I must take advantage of this time to show my W more of the new me... she has seen if for 3+ months. She needs to see more of it. BUT, the time may come when I need to take the new me away from her. When she must be forced to see what her life will be like without the NEW me... This conversation must be done nicely and with love. Merely that her indecision has gotten to the point that it is not fair to me, OM, or to SS. That I will now be taking myself out of the equation. That I will still be here if and when she decides that she wants to commit to me and M, but that I don't know for how long.

[Arsene]

Day 4 of the new plan of action - Update

Didn't see much of W today and had a few depressing thoughts (about W+OM) while driving around but kept telling myself that 2 years=730 days and that I was just on Day 4 so I needed to calm down. I notice that if I look at the big picture like this it usually makes me smile. 2 years is nothing if it gets me and W another 30 together, especially if I don't spend the 2 years "waiting" for W but working on myself.

No calls from W all day. I met a friend in the morning and discussed a possible business partnership then I had a lesson. I got back home at 4 pm and the car wasn't there so I expected W to be gone with D8 but as I walked in she was there (which meant she probably got a lift from OM - which still always gets to me a bit). I kept my cool and all was pleasant. W mentioned that they were planning to go to the pool and asked me if I would join them. I really wanted to and spent a few moments considering it but in the end told her that I had some work to do.

W and D8 left and were gone for about 2 hours. When they got back W immediately got ready to go and while she was getting ready, her phone started ringing but she just let it ring without answering. I guessed it was OM, probably waiting to pick her up at the end of the street and again, it got to me. I left the room and went to prepare the meal for D8 and myself. As I was in the kitchen, keeping busy, W came to say goodbye. I replied courteously enough but I know I'd lost my cool and I'm sure it showed.

I still got a lot of work to do on this plan of action. I'll do better next time.

[suppo]

Arsene,

I will catch up & offer up some perspective at work tomorrow! Very very hectic (Wholly F-In $hit) weekend.

Keep the Faith Brother & continue to believe in yourself as well!