Hello guys.. It's been about two weeks since I returned home from Tennessee, and I still feel like a mixture of emotions is going on. My husband spent the whole week at home last week, which was nice- and with it also being his last week in the Army we were able to get a lot of things accomplished that we had needed to do, and we even starting sorting things in our house.
Let me explain, we have two rooms that are basically full of "junk" or things that need to be sorted or tossed if that makes sense. I have been putting off going through these items, because I always felt like it would be a step towards divorce- but for now its a step towards making our place more like a home, or one less thing to do in the case of a divorce. Its just hard to go through memories, of ten years together, with everything else going on.
My husband has all of these- "plans" for us, and our future and paying off debt and he talks like I am a permanent part of his future, no talk of divorce, or even separation. BUT its like he is avoiding the elephant in the room-- his "friend." He doesn't "want to talk about it" or be "beraded" so he listens to me and how I feel, but its starting into the 9th month and I feel like things will never change. I don't think he would file papers, if anyone filed papers it would be me, but I'm not ready to do that, but at the same time, this isn't a marriage.
When we are together, we have a great time together, we can talk for hours and be productive and work in the yard or on the house or cook meals together and it just feels great, but then its like the phone rings and he has to go or he has to leave, and its just a constant reminder- that this isn't a marriage.
I am torn between just smiling and being his friend and putting my feelings on the back burner until I can go speak to my new counselor at the end of the month- she is a family marriage therapists and also specializes in PTSD, which I think is a big help. My husband is also starting personal counseling next month, his final date out of the Army is early November so there are a lot of changes coming our way- he will have to find a job, and set up his school stuff, and all that stuff. I don't know the "friend" fits in to that.
Like I said, I am torn between asking for time apart-- perhaps going on contact until I can meet with the counselor and really talk about things with a professional who can help me sort out these emotions... or just enjoying our time together and being his friend...
I guess I am due for another re-read of DBing... I did start to make plans for myself that don't involve him. For instance, when I go to the nail place I don't even think about what he is doing, I just say- yup the 19th at 1pm is good for me. I started classes again and started doing hobbies at home- like craft projects and meal planning to save money. So definitely putting my needs first and my schedule revolves around only me, I guess its just the part that I don't know what to do about my marriage that is nagging at me.
Well thanks for listening... enjoy your week!
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
